Twitter Life

To be a published author a writer can't just write well or creatively.  It isn't enough to be a Wilson Rawls or John Grisham. A writer must have beyond a wonderful novel.  Gone are the days of the publishing house doing all the work for you-setting up times and dates for you to be somewhere to sign books, etc. (If that time ever existed.)  Now it is all about networking-facebook, twitter, blogs.  Basically, creating a platform.

 I have received some questions about why I want more twitter followers at my age.  Good question.  If you have asked me this two years ago, I would have rolled my eyes and scoffed at the idea.  I am THIS close to finishing the first draft of my novel, The Storage Locker. Next step-find an agent and then a traditional publishing house. If you know me, I am extremely determined.  My mind is made up-this is to be MY year.

I have a lot of loyal friends and family out there, but I need "followers" beyond that as well if my foot is to get in the door. If you have twitter, please re-tweet my name.  It would help with the promotion of the platform I am trying to develop.

It is a Twitter Life out there.  Tweet me:)  Add me to your twitter....

CeCe Benningfield

@c6benningfield

  Let the re-tweeting begin.  

Giving up is not an option-a lesson for my child

My youngest daughter just had her first violin recital and did beautifully! She wakes up and does her violin practice UNPROMPTED before breakfast, skips to violin lessons, breezes through violin, and is hailed “excellent” and “advanced” by her teacher.  I preface this because she was dissolved into a puddle of emotional tears after her first recital claiming she doesn’t like violin and wants to give up lessons. Although this came out of no where after such a successful recital, I calmly listened and then I told her that committing to something is not without consequence.  If I let her give up when things were tough then she would string together a long list of activities to give up.    There is a time and a place to give up things but this is not the time, nor the place.

When you have given it your all and a long enough time to figure out whether it is really for you-then maybe giving something up is ok. But music is at least a one year-two year long commitment in my opinion, especially when you are GOOD.  I told her I didn’t care about recitals or performances.  If she wanted to skip the next one, that is fine.  We could negotiate recitals, but lessons are another matter.  Quitting disappoints me, her teacher, her Dad and frankly, in the end herself.

God wants to see us keep our promises. I also explained that riding something out is something that is not encouraged in our culture.  

Honestly, if you quit the little things you might think it is ok to quit the big things.  

It might be a stretch... but violin one day, dance lessons the next, your church the next, your marriage, your family, etc.  If it gets too hard  you can just find another activity to replace it with, right?

She wiped her tears and said, “So in other words, Cowboy Up?” 

“Yeah, pretty much, honey.”

 I told her in August we would re-evaluate, but to be warned, I would push her to do another year.  My daughter smiled and said, “Well, can I get contacts then?” (Way off subject, but glasses and contacts always come up when we talk about jr. high) I told her this was up for negotiation and would depend on how she committed to other things.  

“Oh, so if I keep doing violin, I get contacts?”

That girl!  Anyway, drama diverted.....lesson learned? I hope so. 

What I have learned about cancer!

Today is my last radiation treatment.  Last treatment-period.  I thought I would sit down and write what I have learned about cancer.  If you have a friend with cancer, in the future, it might be eye opening to read.  I don’t speak for all cancer patients, just me, but I have learned a lot of lessons the hard way.  So here it is-what I know about cancer....

1. Cancer treatments take a long freaking time!  Mine started in June and ended Jan. 15.  Lesson: There is still basketball practice, baseball, soccer, homework, carpool, work, groceries, errands to run and cancer treatments.  Some people are not affected by the treatments as bad as others.  My side effects were pretty bad at times. After everyone goes on with their lives, you are still in the trenches-with kids, family, a life, but in the trenches.  
2. Cancer is lonely.  Never let your friend got through chemo every week or every other week alone.  The chemo lab is filled with a lot of VERY sick people, white stark walls, IV drips and hours of time to think about horrible things.  Don’t let them sit there wondering where their families or friends are.  Get together with the family or a bunch of friends and divide up the sessions.  Arrive in the middle of chemo with lunch or something.  Anything. Don’t leave that person to sit there alone when other patients have family, sometimes multiple people, sitting with them.  Even if you have to watch them sleep-go.  Be there. 
3. Cancer is exhausting.  Meals are great but if your friend has kids, this is where the real need is, I promise you!  I have five.  My oldest son was the source of stability for them when I was going through the first half of my chemo and it was summer.  I can’t tell you how much it pained me to see the kids trapped in the house all summer with no escape.  Call your friend.  Ask them if today is a good day to get the kids for a few hours.  Yes, that means all of them-especially the one that is hell of wheels.  Someone had to say, “What is a good day to get the kids this week?  How about now?” Take them overnight if your friend will allow.  But take them!  Hiring someone to clean your friend’s house, as the treatments drag on, is another way to really support that person.  Boots on the ground....that is what your friend needs.           
4. Cancer is an adult thing.  Kids need to have a life. During treatment, ask to keep your friend’s children or watch them.  I was blessed to have two special girlfriends that helped out.
5. Cancer is ugly.  If your friend looks like hell, they are probably feeling like hell too. Even if they are silent.  Let them sleep.  Yes, this might mean taking the kids out of the house or letting them have an extra day off of work but sleep does a lot for a patient.  Our bodies are, for a better word, battered from the disease and the treatment.
6. Cancer is expensive.  I was blessed to have high school friends and friends in general that rallied around us early on.  I am very thankful for that.  In some cases, cancer can effect your job, or your ability to work at all.  It effects everyone so differently.  
7. Cancer separates you from life.  Other than running my kids from place to place after chemo (and most of the time ON the day of chemo) and radiation, I didn’t see many people.  It leads to darker things-depression, sadness and a yearning for fellowship.  Sometimes it is because the patient feels like they look different or they just feel like crap-whatever the reason, isolation becomes a silent enemy.
8. Cancer has a friend-Satan.  Satan likes to pal around with cancer. The devil’s job is to whisper dark thoughts in the patient’s head like, “You know you’re going to get this again, right?”  or “No one really cares about you.  If they did, they would be here.” or “This is going to kill you.”  Your friend that has cancer is probably too sick and too weak to fight him off.  You need to step forward.  Not only pray over your friend but proclaim to them that all of these lies are LIES.  Speak words of encouragement.  Laugh with them.  The best way to beat the devil is to shine Light on him.  Prayer is great.  Again the boots of the ground method is what most people really want-prayer and physical presence to beat the enemy who whisper in the dark.
9. Cancer defines who your friends really are.  It takes away time, beauty, youth, parts of your body and your energy, but when it wipes away friendships-that is unneeded.  There is no need to lose friends.  I lost many and gained some from unusual places.  It is sad.  Think about who you call your friend....if they are sick-you should show up.  Call, write, something....staying silent equals “I don’t really care about you” whether that was your intention or not. 
10. Cancer shows you that there is a choice.  We all die.  Where is your eternity?  Heaven or Hell.  Nothing will shape that question up like having cancer.  I know I chose Jesus about 14 years ago, so with His Grace and Mercy, I will go to heaven.  But you might want to think about that question....you don’t know how much time you have.  

Adios Cancer.....you’ve been hell.  Glad I am clear of it.  Thankful to be DONE!  Thank you Jesus for allowing me to live.

The last stretch

Life has gone on.  My kids and my husband probably don't think about it much but I am still going through treatment.  It still sucks. Not as much as chemo but it is not fun.  I wouldn't say that I am "forgotten" but it feels like on a daily basis when my husband and kids don't really stop and think about the fact that I am STILL going through this crap.

I am not sick anymore.  And I'm not depressed or very angry on a daily basis. Thank the Good Lord. I am not bald. Really thankful.  I am thankful for finding out who my true friends are....that was a hard lesson but I am thankful.  Lost a lot of friends, who I thought were friends, in the process but a good sifting was in order, I guess.  I don't feel like a train hit me...so that is good.  But I lay on a table, half naked every day, and get residual cancer cells fried.  EVERY FREAKING DAY!  Yes, it gets weary.

I am tired of driving there, I am tired of stripping off my clothes in front of strangers, and I am tired of feeling like I fell asleep in a tanning bed on one side.  Most of all I am TIRED of not looking like me.  Chemo left me with silver hair, an odd complexion with a rash on my face, gray eyebrows, and about 15 lbs of weight.  It pisses me off.  I am 44, not 66.  But I feel like I am 66 right now.  I certainly look it.

I have had about 5 people come up to me at various times and tell me "I had cancer and it blessed me...."  WHATEVER!  Cancer is not a blessing.  I am sick of people claiming that it blessed them somehow.  You can sell that somewhere else.

Great Week

I have slept the last 4 nights.  This is a HUGE accomplishment.

My daughter said, "I feel like I have learned something today! I'm not waiting on other students to finish their work before I learn some more!" This was our first day of homeschooling.  She looked very happy.  I haven't seen her smile like that in months.  I felt like I had a purpose today.

I had normal energy this past week.  Wow....I feel good.  Especially with sleep!

Sleep? What is sleep?

Let's talk about sleep or the lack there of.  When you go through chemo, your body is all jacked up.  Steroids the doctors give you keep you up so I was given Adavan to help me sleep.  2 at night.  Every night.  After my last week of chemo, Doc told me to stay on the Adavan because the chemo resides in your system for up to 10 days and therefore, I might have trouble sleeping.  I tried at various times to NOT take it and sleep without it-didn't work.  The steroids just keep you wired.  With chemo you also feel like you need to sleep at weird times (not at night), so I would catch a nap, daily.

Then with surgery, I had pain killers prescribed, which I hated to take but they were necessary.  They confused my body.  Made me sleepy but I didn't actually sleep.  Adavan helped.  I was down to one at night.  I stopped taking pain killers about a week and half after surgery (a radiation doctor kind of set me back on recovery progress when he started poking around on my incision and put me back in the pain zone) Now, I am down to nothing at night and no pain killers for about a week or so.  I am also breaking my habit of napping during the day.  I'm actually just laying down for about 15-30 min and not sleeping.  This is a huge habit to break.  This week, my goal is to not lie down at all, except on Sunday:)   The bigger problem is I can not remember a time when a full night's sleep happened.

Radiation is about to start-I am worried about the fatigue factor.  I would like my energy to increase not decrease.  It has been great to have a little more energy each day lately.

I guess I am wondering when do I go back to normal where sleep is concerned.  I would like to just turn off the lights and go to sleep each night.

Rough Day

This Sunday I really wanted to be off pain killers post surgery.  I missed seeing my kids.  Pain killers confuse me. They make me sleepy but I can't sleep.  Make me want to curl up on my bed away from people, but make me lonely. I can't focus on them and Joe has to really be in charge.  The kids are kind of on auto pilot.  Which I don't like.  I can still hear them on LOUD auto pilot.  (They are being really good but when mom is down...the mice like to play.)  So I decided I didn't need them.  Well, apparently the 4 incisions on my body laughed at me and decided otherwise.  About 1 p.m I was a crying mess.

Being in pain also draws out other stuff that is bothering you like worrying secretly about the pathology report that is still outstanding and an unknown.  If you know me you know I like to be in control.  Cancer =in control of NOTHING.  This is probably why I have been crying today more than just over being in some pain.  I would like to hear the two words "clear margins" so we can move on to the third phase of this mess.  Radiation.

So today was a rough day but tomorrow will be better I am sure.  Joe goes back to work and the kids go back to school.