Redeemed

It is almost midnight and this page must be written.  My husband and kids are sleeping but I can’t because I have a liar whispering in my head. He prowls around like a lion. 

There are some words (in my youth) that I should have never heard.

I don’t love you anymore.

I choose someone else.

Some conversations knock the wind and hope right out of you. 

Wait, I thought remission mean more time?  Reply: Not in your case. 

Should I keep taking Cholesterol medicine? Reply: No.

Mammograms?     Reply: Not anymore.

When do I get to stop taking chemo? Reply: Never.

There are some words that should never be spoken.

Cancer is a blessing. 

I know just how you feel.....(when you don’t)

But there are promises that the liar can’t take from me.

This is not my home.

              John 14:2-4

            In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place            for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going."

I belong to the King.

My children and husband will see me again. 

There is no pain or tears in Heaven. 

             Revelation 21:4-8

           He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the     old order of things has passed away."  He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" 

My salvation seals my eternity. 

He listens to my prayers.  Even the ones I shout, beg and cry out to Him. 

The prowling lion has left for now. Jesus is here with his hand on my shoulder. Telling me that I am many things but the most important is ...redeemed.

My husband and Brad Paisley Think a lot alike:)

If you are wondering if I have the best husband in the world-why, yes, I do.  On our 10th anniversary (we are going on 16 yrs now), he made me a sweet CD of songs that reminded him of me.  Some of them are funny, some of them are just downright sweet-like this one.  (One of them was a bit ironic-Craig Morgan's I thought I was Tough. ) This one is by Brad Paisley.  If you have known me for a long time, you will grin at some of these details.  I didn't write it.  I just found the CD the other day and it has replaced Luke Bryan.  I know…shocker!  But here's my favorite.  Or one of them!  

She's Everything to Me-Brad Paisley

She's a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses

She looks great in anything
She's I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She's I can't find a thing to wear
Now and then she's moody

She's a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowing
She's a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She's a warm conversation
That I wouldn't miss for nothing
She's a fighter when she's mad
And she's a lover when she's loving

[Chorus]
And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on
'Cause she's everything to me

She's a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She's a cross around her neck
And a cuss word 'cause its Monday
She's a bubble bath and candles
Baby come and kiss me
She's a one glass of wine
And she's feeling kinda tipsy

She's the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers
She's a picture in my wallet
and my unborn children's mother
She's the hand that I'm holding
When I'm on my knees and praying
She's the answer to my prayer
And she's the song that I'm playing

[Repeat chorus]

She's the voice I love to hear
Someday when I'm ninety
She's that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for



[Thanks to Tim Anderson for lyrics]

Sunny and 75

I had a great Christmas.  Kids were good.  Presents were wonderful.  Great church service.

Then I have to start the new year with an additional threat over my head.  Bilirubin levels are high, have gall stones, trying to determine where levels are off due to my chemo or maybe even something wrong with my liver.

I won't lie….I was thankful that there were no addition finds of cancer in other organs but I feel like I have been kicked in the gut.  Literally.  I am tired of doctors, medicine, side effect, changes and threats of health crisis.  It is ONLY Jan. 2.  Kind of ironic.  Anyway, I am just tired.  And a bit angry right now.

If I could drive my car to the Bahamas-I would.  I need a beach trip like yesterday.  The sand and wind always make me feel like cancer and all of its friends live somewhere else.

My youngest daughter told me today (when she saw me crying), "You won't always be sick. Don't worry."  She is so wise and I don't think she knew how correct her statement was.  I won't always be sick.  Thank you Jesus!

Christmas

I am a bit blue tonight, thinking about Christmas.  Unspoken concerns go with holidays for cancer patients.  I asked my doctor why Thanksgiving was so hard on me?  I practically cried through the whole thing. (Of course no one knew because I am the great pretender and I did it privately)  I didn't understand.  She explained (and honestly) that EVERY holiday  is hard on a cancer patient.  There are expectations for you to forget, to play nice, to be cheerful, etc.  and there is the unknown. She says almost 99% of her patients hit walls when it comes to Thanksgiving and Christmas and other significant birthdays.  I guess I agree with her.

I look at Christmas and lament over what I could have done better.  What will the kids remember from THIS Christmas?  Is it Jesus?  Is it that I gave one kid more presents than the other by mistake? And yes, the expectations thing…..it is so there. I know my kids expect me to act like I don't have cancer.  I know my husband really likes the whole Pollyanna thing.  I really feel like sleeping all the time.  Yes, I know this is a sign of depression. Just throwing it out there.

One huge blessing is Josh.  A long time ago I was a parent to a young man that lived in my home for a short time. I loved him but I always felt like I failed him. He left and lived his life. All of the kids I saw in my classroom, I tried to pour out love to them because of Josh. I could not contain sobs of joy as I he sat with my other 5 kids last Sunday and Christmas Eve.  I feel like God is telling me "See, I turn all things to good, with or without your efforts."  Josh is a huge comfort today.

Thank you God for giving me the gift of your Son.  Thank you for my 5 kids and wonderful husband.  I choose Joy even when I have nights like this .  Happy Birthday Savior of mine!

Door 3?

Joe and I were braced for really bad news after the Petscan/Catscan.  And we were ready for great news.  Remission.  When the doctor came in she gave us the news that if she looked at the Catscan-she would declare "remission".  Petscan still shows the nodule in my right lung. It almost looks normal.  The "heat" of the cancer is down to 2.5 from 5 or 7-this is HUGE praise.  God has for sure answered my prayers and all of your prayers.

We asked a bunch of questions.  Xeloda will work only so long and then we will switch to another combo drug, and then another.  Remission does not last with my kind of cancer, according to statistics.  So when we got in the truck, I asked my husband, "Is it just me or are you conflicted with  your feelings on the results?  Thankful but doubtful?"  He replied that he was expecting Door #1(bad news) or Door #2 (Remission) but hadn't consider a Door #3.  Me either.  He hit it right on the head.

If you ask medical experts they will caution me.....rejoice but don't get too comfortable.  I think this is a test.  God answered my prayers.  I have a choice.  Either hang on every word the doctor says and pin my hopes on her answers to my questions or trust that Jesus is working.  It may not be to my timing or to my end result but He is in control.  Not doctors. I am choosing to look away from statistics and look toward the small miracle we saw today.  It may be temporary.  But it may not.  Door #3 is-God has the last say-ALWAYS.

Honesty

My next scan is on November 8.  (Brain/body) I am anxiously awaiting the results of that test even before it has been given.  My prayer is that doctors can't find any cancer-anywhere.  To have it so gone (and never to return) they can't explain how it happened.  But I will also be thankful for just staying where it is and being smaller.  No spreading to liver, brain or bones.

I look at my future and I sometimes feel cheated.  Joe and I had so many plans.  Plans to move. Plans to retire together and have a place in the country after the kids all move away.  Plans for grandchildren, weddings of our kids, graduations and now, nothing is certain.  In actuality, nothing is certain with or without cancer but I sure prefer the illusion that there is a pattern of things.  Kids grow up, get married, grand kids follow, you die in the end with a very full life, etc.  So, yes, if I am being honest I feel like I have been cheated because if you listen to medical statistics-that might not happen for me.

I am thankful for every second I have with my family, so please don't send me emails or messages saying "Be thankful" or "Don't worry about any of this." and "Put this in God's hands."  (Yes, I get them-all the time!) I am just being really honest.  Not mad at God. I trust Him, even if He doesn't cure me this side of heaven. Not greedy.  I want to stay with my family.  Is that so wrong?  If I had my way, all 7 of us would just go together when we were all old and gray with grown grandchildren to boot. It would be like one family reunion. But that doesn't happen.  Someone has to go first.  That is a scary thought.

 God is OK with me being honest.

Angels and Us

God created angels are separate beings from us. The theory is that they are fluffy, cuddly creatures in white with big poofy wings.  They are not.  In the Bible it describes them as WARRIORS. Yeah, kick ass types.  Not to be trifled with.  Other descriptions are messengers-still pretty scary because people hide their faces from looking at them.  Read some of these random descriptions of angels.
Exodus 3:2

And the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush. He looked, and behold, the bush was burning, yet it was not consumed.

Matthew 1:24

When Joseph woke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him: he took his wife,

Matthew 16:27

For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done.

Revelation 8:5

Then the angel took the censer and filled it with fire from the altar and threw it on the earth, and there were peals of thunder, rumblings, flashes of lightning, and an earthquake

Revelation 12:7

[ Satan Thrown Down to Earth ] Now war arose in heaven, Michael and his angels fighting against the dragon. And the dragon and his angels fought back,

Just to be really clear-when I die I will not be an angel.  It doesn't promise that in the Bible.  Nice thought but no-I won't.  I was no angel here on earth and I certainly won't be one in heaven.  Do I have an angel who protects me or looks after me?  Certainly. Do I want to look at his face-nope, I am a scaredy cat!   When I go to heaven I will be there for one purpose-worship the Lord.  I would love to think I would be watching out for my kids, but I don't know if my job will entail that.  I do know that my 5 children have a warrior assigned to them.  I trust God to supply that for them.  I don't have a flaming sword anywhere.  (unless I look in Ike's closet-might find one there:)