Joy

For the most part if I wasn't taking chemo you wouldn't know I had cancer.  I am very thankful for that.  VERY thankful. I have hair, I look normal (still working on the weight I put on with the meds for 2 years), I feel decent and life is moving along.  Fast. The kids have really forgotten that I am still in the trenches.  That is alright.  Let them have a life.  I don't want them to worry about me all the time.  I wish my husband didn't have to either.

People ask me all the time how I am doing.  I am ok.  I have lots of things to be thankful for.  I make lists mentally or write them down.

One thing that has hit me sideways....is when I hear friends of mine are cured/in remission.  (And don't tiptoe around me and not tell me. It is something I have to deal with and get over.) On one hand, I am overjoyed because those words are so hard to get.  I know.  I rejoice over their news.  On the other hand, I try to hold back tears of "Why NOT me, God?" I look at my kids and husband and want so badly to say those words "I am cancer free" and mean it.  Why can't they do the victory dance around the kitchen with great news? Is that normal?  Shouldn't I just be happy for them and not think about my health?

For less than three months, I got to be treatment free. From March until June 2013.  It was a time of growing energy. I actually walked around the block, cleaned my house, weeded flower beds, soaked up sunshine at the baseball fields and felt normal. This doesn't sound glamorous. But it is a beautiful thing when you sleep without help from a pharmacy or when you have enough energy to go up and down the stairs without taking breaks.  It is a blessing when you can drink a glass of wine without worrying "How will this effect my chemo meds?".

In the meantime, what helps? My kids and husband's patience helps. My Bible study group helps. Counseling helps. Sunshine helps. Reading the Bible really helps.

Jesus will heal me.  I just have to wait. Victory dance is coming.

Spring Break

When Spring Break comes around we never travel.  Kind of lame.  But we do clean out closets, rooms, garage, etc  Just a good time to tackle it.  I try to use only 2 days to do this so the kids don't revolt.  But I have never been into clutter or hoarding of any type.  Lately it has gotten worse.

You won't wear it?-It goes
You won't use it? It goes
It doesn't fit? By the time you lose weight to fit into it, it will be out of fashion-toss it
Project unfinished? Finish it
If it is a closet....I am not scared to go in:)

Side Effects Bite

I write this entry to purely educate people.  If you know someone who is undergoing treatment for cancer they may mention a bizarre side effect called Hand and Foot Syndrome?  Much like no chemo is the same, the side effects are vastly different as well. One of the side effects that go with my kind of chemo is Hand and Foot Syndrome.  (Not Hand and Foot Disease-very different.  Kids commonly catch Hand and Foot disease.) 

Hand and Foot Syndrome causes red, peeling and a burned like appearance/feeling on the palms of hands and soles of your feet. The oncologist said all humans have layers of skin and the fibers that hold layers 1,2,3. This kind of chemo get erodes or loosens the fibers. I take Xeloda (7-8 pills a day).  Fatigue worsens with second week as well.  But tolerable. 

I am on a 3 week cycle of Xeloda. First week-not bad.  Second week-gets worse.  Third week, I am off Xeloda but the side effects peak at this point.  Right now I am mid-third week.  The drug accumulates in my system.  Even though I am considered “mild to moderate” with the side effects, this weekend is the worst I have encountered.

Currently, my palms and soles feel like I have second degree burns.  I am hobbling or tenderly limping.  Even though it feels so much better to do so, I can’t go barefooted.  Your skin sticks to things (like the bottom of the shower or tile grout) and can crack, peel off or blister.  I have trouble doing the following with my hands-washing dishes (anything hot), holding/gripping things, twisting ANYTHING, write with a pen (I can do it but it hurts) putting my shoes on or anything that causes me to challenge the dexterity.  Even holding a book in one position for very long makes my skin hurt.  Basically the skin is super tight, like skin that has healed from a burn. Almost a plastic look to it.  I can not stretch my fingers out all the way or make a closed fist.  

Walking around the block would immediately result in cracks (deep ones that bleed) or blisters.  By the way, NOTHING works.  I have tried at least 8 to 10 different balms, lotions, oils, etc.  The only thing that has improved is I am not peeling much.  I religiously use Vitamin E oil and am convinced this is the only thing that has lessened peeling. The pain, redness, burned feeling is still present.  Don’t pitch me a cure-heard it all, seen it or tried it.  Not helping.

I don’t tell you this to incite pity.  Quite the opposite.  I just want to explain why I look “normal” but I am not feeling normal.  Because I am not losing my hair with this type of treatment, it misleads friends and family.  Believe me when I tell you that I am still very much dealing with side effects-you just can’t see them.  Today I lost in it in the church bathroom (right in front of a dear friend and my daughter who happened to walk in….ugh!) because I was in a lot of pain.  

My husband and I joke that I am the great pretender.  I haul butt across Waller County about 50-60 miles or more a day, running kids to practices, goats, games, etc. but then I collapse into a wailing puddle behind closed doors. (And no, until they put my body in the ground I am not slowing down. It doesn’t help the side effects anyway.)  It isn’t every day but often.  Today was one of those days- the wailing puddle part. 

Part of dealing with cancer is physical limitation.  I am limited in many ways right now.  I shudder to use the word-handicapped. But I will be danged if I’m going to stay in bed all day or miss a baseball/soccer game with my kid.  I am not going to miss watching them make their show goats drag tires, or helping them with their homework or a project.  I am not going to stop making costumes or bake cupcakes.  When you stop-you stop living.  When my heart stops beating,I will stop.

The Truth

Spring 2014

Dear Family and Friends,

I’ve been putting off writing this letter for years.  First, it was fear of rejection or gossip and then it was the old “I don’t have time.” mantra.  Now time is an issue.  While I have time, there are things I want you to know, since you are the people I care most about.  Cancer gives you a mortality check daily. Unless there is an absolute cure or God completely takes this from me, my trip to Heaven will be sooner than I had planned.  That is ok.  I am ready for whatever God brings to me.  John 14:2 In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.

You might wonder, “CeCe, why are you writing this?  You have cancer, how could you possible believe in a good God?”  Well, I don’t have all the answers about WHY I have cancer but I do know this world-with its brokenness, tragedies and illnesses are not what God designed.  He made our world perfect.  No illnesses, no accidents, and no heart ache.  But Adam and Eve broke that relationship.  Therefore, our perfect world was changed when they were cast out of Eden. 

Even with my salvation, I still have to stand before God and answer when He asks me “Why didn’t you speak My Name?”  My worst fear is for Him to point to all these people I could have witnessed to and didn’t because I was a coward. So this is me, making a sweeping attempt at rectifying that.  I don’t want to get to heaven and look around and miss you standing there because no one was bold enough to tell you the truth.  

Here it is…the truth. Society and culture will tell you this is wrong. It isn’t politically correct.  But Jesus is the ONE and only true God and the ONLY path to Heaven.  Period.  No New Age stuff, no Buddha, no Allah, etc.  Just Jesus. 

His love is free. You can’t “earn it” or buy it or just be a “good person”. He offers it to anyone. No matter what you have done, said, accomplished, saved, or stored up in life, He offers it to you.  Drugs, alcohol, abuse, divorce, depression, illness, tragedy….there is nothing he can not forgive and there isn’t a greater love in the world than Jesus.  Once you make that decision-you are sealed.  Nothing you do will unseal the Holy Spirit from your heart. You are His beloved.  And it is the winning team. Love always conquers. Love never fails.  We do though.  We fail, fall and fill ourselves with things of this world that won’t help us in the long run. 

Being a good person is not enough. I know a lot of people that are almost saints in my eyes. But they haven’t given their heart to the Lord. Sadly, I know many evil people, and they haven’t given their heart to the Lord either. The end result will be the same-when those people die on this earth, they will not be in Heaven.  It is not enough to know God exists either-James 2:19 … Even the demons believe—and shudder.

So how do you get this Jesus I am talking about? It is simple. It is painless. If you are ready….You ask Jesus (no fancy words needed) that He accept you, the sinner, and forgive you of your sins.  We all sin.  Big sins, little sins…doesn’t matter.  When I asked the Lord to forgive mine I tried to list them.  (The ones I knew about) They were about a mile long. You ask Him to be YOUR Savior.  That is it.  You are promised the same promise I have.  Heaven and a God that fights for you. 

Romans 3:23 all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God;

Be warned.  When you accept Jesus, you have gained a Savior and gained an enemy. Satan is a very real enemy.  He will tell you over and over that your salvation is not enough, don’t bother telling anyone about Jesus, you will never be good enough to get into heaven….etc. He is the prince of liars. 

 1 Peter 5:8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But just the name of Jesus can send Satan running. Like I said, Jesus is the winning team.

Writing this puts me in a vulnerable place.  If you are already saved, then I love you and I am so glad you have the Good News about Him. 

If you are not saved yet, you might really resent this letter.  You might even want to tell me so.  That is ok.  I can take the heat. I’m no longer scared to stand for the name of Jesus.

 If this letter offends you, I am sorry it does. Ask yourself why it really offends?  Truth usually has a way of doing that. I can’t argue you to the Cross. But again, I would rather say these words now than look around in heaven and realize you are not going to be there with me, one day. 

Part of loving Jesus is stepping out on faith and going to people to tell them that no one is left out of this promise if they want the Savior.  

In a few months it will be Easter. Easter is a time to realize it isn't about Egg hunts (which I still love to do for the kids), candy and pretty pastel dresses. It is about Jesus crucified on a cross for your sins and mine.  He rose after being sealed in a tomb. The tomb was open.  Jesus lives.  One day He will come again.  In the meantime, His salvation is yours for the taking. I love you enough to tell you about Him. Earth was never meant to be all there was for us-it is temporary.  Heaven is our home.

In Christ,

CeCe

Redeemed

It is almost midnight and this page must be written.  My husband and kids are sleeping but I can’t because I have a liar whispering in my head. He prowls around like a lion. 

There are some words (in my youth) that I should have never heard.

I don’t love you anymore.

I choose someone else.

Some conversations knock the wind and hope right out of you. 

Wait, I thought remission mean more time?  Reply: Not in your case. 

Should I keep taking Cholesterol medicine? Reply: No.

Mammograms?     Reply: Not anymore.

When do I get to stop taking chemo? Reply: Never.

There are some words that should never be spoken.

Cancer is a blessing. 

I know just how you feel.....(when you don’t)

But there are promises that the liar can’t take from me.

This is not my home.

              John 14:2-4

            In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place            for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going."

I belong to the King.

My children and husband will see me again. 

There is no pain or tears in Heaven. 

             Revelation 21:4-8

           He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the     old order of things has passed away."  He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" 

My salvation seals my eternity. 

He listens to my prayers.  Even the ones I shout, beg and cry out to Him. 

The prowling lion has left for now. Jesus is here with his hand on my shoulder. Telling me that I am many things but the most important is ...redeemed.

My husband and Brad Paisley Think a lot alike:)

If you are wondering if I have the best husband in the world-why, yes, I do.  On our 10th anniversary (we are going on 16 yrs now), he made me a sweet CD of songs that reminded him of me.  Some of them are funny, some of them are just downright sweet-like this one.  (One of them was a bit ironic-Craig Morgan's I thought I was Tough. ) This one is by Brad Paisley.  If you have known me for a long time, you will grin at some of these details.  I didn't write it.  I just found the CD the other day and it has replaced Luke Bryan.  I know…shocker!  But here's my favorite.  Or one of them!  

She's Everything to Me-Brad Paisley

She's a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses

She looks great in anything
She's I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She's I can't find a thing to wear
Now and then she's moody

She's a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowing
She's a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She's a warm conversation
That I wouldn't miss for nothing
She's a fighter when she's mad
And she's a lover when she's loving

[Chorus]
And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on
'Cause she's everything to me

She's a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She's a cross around her neck
And a cuss word 'cause its Monday
She's a bubble bath and candles
Baby come and kiss me
She's a one glass of wine
And she's feeling kinda tipsy

She's the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers
She's a picture in my wallet
and my unborn children's mother
She's the hand that I'm holding
When I'm on my knees and praying
She's the answer to my prayer
And she's the song that I'm playing

[Repeat chorus]

She's the voice I love to hear
Someday when I'm ninety
She's that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for



[Thanks to Tim Anderson for lyrics]

Sunny and 75

I had a great Christmas.  Kids were good.  Presents were wonderful.  Great church service.

Then I have to start the new year with an additional threat over my head.  Bilirubin levels are high, have gall stones, trying to determine where levels are off due to my chemo or maybe even something wrong with my liver.

I won't lie….I was thankful that there were no addition finds of cancer in other organs but I feel like I have been kicked in the gut.  Literally.  I am tired of doctors, medicine, side effect, changes and threats of health crisis.  It is ONLY Jan. 2.  Kind of ironic.  Anyway, I am just tired.  And a bit angry right now.

If I could drive my car to the Bahamas-I would.  I need a beach trip like yesterday.  The sand and wind always make me feel like cancer and all of its friends live somewhere else.

My youngest daughter told me today (when she saw me crying), "You won't always be sick. Don't worry."  She is so wise and I don't think she knew how correct her statement was.  I won't always be sick.  Thank you Jesus!