Friends

Friendships change, shift, disappear, thrive, morph and reappear. Like most girls, I grew up with friends that I thought I would have forever.  Growing up, marrying and having kids changes your relationships with your friends.  That is natural.  Friends of your teens or early adult years mature at different rates and it is not reasonable to expect to keep EVERY friend you have ever made.

Your true friends show themselves when you are in the trenches.

I was not prepared for was the utter loss of certain friends when I was diagnosed the first time with cancer.  People I thought were my "2 a.m friends" (this is a term used for people you can call at 2 a.m with emergencies-it should be a short list) vanished.  Friends that I considered "good friends",(maybe I wouldn't call them at 2 a.m but they would be there for me in a good times and bad) dropped off the radar really quick.  I mean gone.....never to call or see you again.

For a year or more, I was bitter about this.  Saddened deeply.  Grieved.  It still bothers me, especially if I see those select people.  But I let go of it last month.  At a Beth Moore Bible Study the group was asked to write down something that had scarred or marked them on a notecard (without your name of course) and lay it on the altar.  Symbolically-you are laying it at God's feet and letting go of it. Normally, this type of activity would have made me very uncomfortable.  I don't like touchy-feely kind of moments in public.  But a weight was on my heart that I could not deal with anymore.

You would think with the severity of this illness I would have something else to write on that card, but abandonment was the main word.  Not cancer, not chemo, not surgeries, not even the fear of dying.  It was being forgotten by a handful of people I trusted and loved that marked me the deepest.

In spite of that loss, God filled my life with new friends or stronger ones. Out of the darkest hours, a writing mentor, my Bible study group, church family, high school friends, neighbors down my street and an adoptive online Facebook group became pillars of strength for me.  God supplied them.  Hand picked. They filled in the gaps made by others.  I am so thankful.

Trials always teach humans something.  It teaches us to love or how to be indifferent...be resilient or weak....to be a friend or not. Trials have taught me to be a bit more careful with friends. Value the ones that God supplies.

Panic Attack

I decided to boycott Relay For Life. I also had a cold. So I really didn't feel well, physically.  Relay for Life is supposed to be this really beautiful thing.  But it brings back too many bad memories.  I don't like it.  My kids had to go for school reasons.  Then I realized it was affecting my middle son.  Badly.  So we both boycotted it .  The more I heard about Relay for Life or saw it on Facebook or thought about people being there, the worse it got for me.  It is not rational. I know this event has nothing to do with my cancer but it is linked mentally to me.  I want no part of it.

I moved into a horrible panic attack.  I guess that is what you call it.  It started in the shower where I wailed and beat my fists into the tile.  I was tired of being sick, tired of meds, and tired of not being "normal".  The episode grew into a full blown panic attack. I couldn't breathe, cried uncontrollably, hot face, clawed at my neck of my shirt.....I lost it.  Joe had to literally hold me and pray over me.  I felt the Holy Spirit calming me.  I calmed down somewhat but man, that was the worst I have been in over a year.  I took sleep meds and Adavan and it still didn't calm me down much.  Of course, I had fever too so this was probably adding to the feeling like crap part.

This week means many things to me and now to my kids.  Around Mother's Day/Relay for Life, the past 2 years on May 17, I have been diagnosed with cancer Stage 2 and then Stage 4.  So I guess I am getting more and more aware of what day is coming.  So is the middle son.  Relay for Life just kind of kicks off the week of terror for me.

Today I ran into Mary B. and she gave me two scriptures.  I can't remember them now.  Everything is kind of a blur.  Plus, I am still dealing with this cold/low grade fever.  I attempted to go to baseball today-I didn't last through 2 innings and left.

Right now if I could punch something with my red, burned hands, I would take it out on a punching bag.  If I could run to a beach house-I would disappear for about a week....let's say after May 17.
I am thankful for the pool and sunshine today-although I didn't feel good, I stuck my feet in the cold water and prayed.  (Felt good on my poor feet too).

Processing With A Seven Year Old

While I was tucking in Ike, he noticed the redness of the bottom of my feet.  It prompted a very off the cuff kind of question and answer session between us.

Ike: Mommy, why are you still taking Ninja medicine (chemo)?
Me: Because it is working to kill the cancer cells.
Ike: But I thought you got rid of the cancer.  It's still there? Why?  You lost your hair and everything.
Me: My cancer is a kind of sneaky, tricky kind and it didn't kill all of the bad cells last time.
Ike:  So you have it again? (His voice breaking up)  Mommy....I thought it was gone.
Me:  (I lost it-bawling) I did too honey.

(He crawled up in my lap and buried his head)
After rocking him for a few minutes, I told him this medicine was doing a good job.

Ike:  Are you going to die?  This time...are you gonna die?
Me: Everyone dies.
Ike:  Sometimes babies in Mommy's tummies, old people, like that?
Me: Yes-everyone. I am no different.  One day I will too.  But I'm going to heaven. I love Jesus. He will be so excited to see me. And you, one day.
Ike:  Will you look different?
Me:  I will look better.  My hair will probably be longer.
There was a long pause. I guess he was processing the information again.

Ike:  Will you know me when you get to heaven?  Can I find you there?

Folks, this is probably the hardest conversation I have had to have with someone with the exception of telling my middle son when I was re-diagnosed. Seriously, I could barely breathe as we were talking.

Ike ended it with saying, "Mommy I want Jesus to hold you with his whole heart."
Me too.

Joy

For the most part if I wasn't taking chemo you wouldn't know I had cancer.  I am very thankful for that.  VERY thankful. I have hair, I look normal (still working on the weight I put on with the meds for 2 years), I feel decent and life is moving along.  Fast. The kids have really forgotten that I am still in the trenches.  That is alright.  Let them have a life.  I don't want them to worry about me all the time.  I wish my husband didn't have to either.

People ask me all the time how I am doing.  I am ok.  I have lots of things to be thankful for.  I make lists mentally or write them down.

One thing that has hit me sideways....is when I hear friends of mine are cured/in remission.  (And don't tiptoe around me and not tell me. It is something I have to deal with and get over.) On one hand, I am overjoyed because those words are so hard to get.  I know.  I rejoice over their news.  On the other hand, I try to hold back tears of "Why NOT me, God?" I look at my kids and husband and want so badly to say those words "I am cancer free" and mean it.  Why can't they do the victory dance around the kitchen with great news? Is that normal?  Shouldn't I just be happy for them and not think about my health?

For less than three months, I got to be treatment free. From March until June 2013.  It was a time of growing energy. I actually walked around the block, cleaned my house, weeded flower beds, soaked up sunshine at the baseball fields and felt normal. This doesn't sound glamorous. But it is a beautiful thing when you sleep without help from a pharmacy or when you have enough energy to go up and down the stairs without taking breaks.  It is a blessing when you can drink a glass of wine without worrying "How will this effect my chemo meds?".

In the meantime, what helps? My kids and husband's patience helps. My Bible study group helps. Counseling helps. Sunshine helps. Reading the Bible really helps.

Jesus will heal me.  I just have to wait. Victory dance is coming.

Spring Break

When Spring Break comes around we never travel.  Kind of lame.  But we do clean out closets, rooms, garage, etc  Just a good time to tackle it.  I try to use only 2 days to do this so the kids don't revolt.  But I have never been into clutter or hoarding of any type.  Lately it has gotten worse.

You won't wear it?-It goes
You won't use it? It goes
It doesn't fit? By the time you lose weight to fit into it, it will be out of fashion-toss it
Project unfinished? Finish it
If it is a closet....I am not scared to go in:)

Side Effects Bite

I write this entry to purely educate people.  If you know someone who is undergoing treatment for cancer they may mention a bizarre side effect called Hand and Foot Syndrome?  Much like no chemo is the same, the side effects are vastly different as well. One of the side effects that go with my kind of chemo is Hand and Foot Syndrome.  (Not Hand and Foot Disease-very different.  Kids commonly catch Hand and Foot disease.) 

Hand and Foot Syndrome causes red, peeling and a burned like appearance/feeling on the palms of hands and soles of your feet. The oncologist said all humans have layers of skin and the fibers that hold layers 1,2,3. This kind of chemo get erodes or loosens the fibers. I take Xeloda (7-8 pills a day).  Fatigue worsens with second week as well.  But tolerable. 

I am on a 3 week cycle of Xeloda. First week-not bad.  Second week-gets worse.  Third week, I am off Xeloda but the side effects peak at this point.  Right now I am mid-third week.  The drug accumulates in my system.  Even though I am considered “mild to moderate” with the side effects, this weekend is the worst I have encountered.

Currently, my palms and soles feel like I have second degree burns.  I am hobbling or tenderly limping.  Even though it feels so much better to do so, I can’t go barefooted.  Your skin sticks to things (like the bottom of the shower or tile grout) and can crack, peel off or blister.  I have trouble doing the following with my hands-washing dishes (anything hot), holding/gripping things, twisting ANYTHING, write with a pen (I can do it but it hurts) putting my shoes on or anything that causes me to challenge the dexterity.  Even holding a book in one position for very long makes my skin hurt.  Basically the skin is super tight, like skin that has healed from a burn. Almost a plastic look to it.  I can not stretch my fingers out all the way or make a closed fist.  

Walking around the block would immediately result in cracks (deep ones that bleed) or blisters.  By the way, NOTHING works.  I have tried at least 8 to 10 different balms, lotions, oils, etc.  The only thing that has improved is I am not peeling much.  I religiously use Vitamin E oil and am convinced this is the only thing that has lessened peeling. The pain, redness, burned feeling is still present.  Don’t pitch me a cure-heard it all, seen it or tried it.  Not helping.

I don’t tell you this to incite pity.  Quite the opposite.  I just want to explain why I look “normal” but I am not feeling normal.  Because I am not losing my hair with this type of treatment, it misleads friends and family.  Believe me when I tell you that I am still very much dealing with side effects-you just can’t see them.  Today I lost in it in the church bathroom (right in front of a dear friend and my daughter who happened to walk in….ugh!) because I was in a lot of pain.  

My husband and I joke that I am the great pretender.  I haul butt across Waller County about 50-60 miles or more a day, running kids to practices, goats, games, etc. but then I collapse into a wailing puddle behind closed doors. (And no, until they put my body in the ground I am not slowing down. It doesn’t help the side effects anyway.)  It isn’t every day but often.  Today was one of those days- the wailing puddle part. 

Part of dealing with cancer is physical limitation.  I am limited in many ways right now.  I shudder to use the word-handicapped. But I will be danged if I’m going to stay in bed all day or miss a baseball/soccer game with my kid.  I am not going to miss watching them make their show goats drag tires, or helping them with their homework or a project.  I am not going to stop making costumes or bake cupcakes.  When you stop-you stop living.  When my heart stops beating,I will stop.

The Truth

Spring 2014

Dear Family and Friends,

I’ve been putting off writing this letter for years.  First, it was fear of rejection or gossip and then it was the old “I don’t have time.” mantra.  Now time is an issue.  While I have time, there are things I want you to know, since you are the people I care most about.  Cancer gives you a mortality check daily. Unless there is an absolute cure or God completely takes this from me, my trip to Heaven will be sooner than I had planned.  That is ok.  I am ready for whatever God brings to me.  John 14:2 In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.

You might wonder, “CeCe, why are you writing this?  You have cancer, how could you possible believe in a good God?”  Well, I don’t have all the answers about WHY I have cancer but I do know this world-with its brokenness, tragedies and illnesses are not what God designed.  He made our world perfect.  No illnesses, no accidents, and no heart ache.  But Adam and Eve broke that relationship.  Therefore, our perfect world was changed when they were cast out of Eden. 

Even with my salvation, I still have to stand before God and answer when He asks me “Why didn’t you speak My Name?”  My worst fear is for Him to point to all these people I could have witnessed to and didn’t because I was a coward. So this is me, making a sweeping attempt at rectifying that.  I don’t want to get to heaven and look around and miss you standing there because no one was bold enough to tell you the truth.  

Here it is…the truth. Society and culture will tell you this is wrong. It isn’t politically correct.  But Jesus is the ONE and only true God and the ONLY path to Heaven.  Period.  No New Age stuff, no Buddha, no Allah, etc.  Just Jesus. 

His love is free. You can’t “earn it” or buy it or just be a “good person”. He offers it to anyone. No matter what you have done, said, accomplished, saved, or stored up in life, He offers it to you.  Drugs, alcohol, abuse, divorce, depression, illness, tragedy….there is nothing he can not forgive and there isn’t a greater love in the world than Jesus.  Once you make that decision-you are sealed.  Nothing you do will unseal the Holy Spirit from your heart. You are His beloved.  And it is the winning team. Love always conquers. Love never fails.  We do though.  We fail, fall and fill ourselves with things of this world that won’t help us in the long run. 

Being a good person is not enough. I know a lot of people that are almost saints in my eyes. But they haven’t given their heart to the Lord. Sadly, I know many evil people, and they haven’t given their heart to the Lord either. The end result will be the same-when those people die on this earth, they will not be in Heaven.  It is not enough to know God exists either-James 2:19 … Even the demons believe—and shudder.

So how do you get this Jesus I am talking about? It is simple. It is painless. If you are ready….You ask Jesus (no fancy words needed) that He accept you, the sinner, and forgive you of your sins.  We all sin.  Big sins, little sins…doesn’t matter.  When I asked the Lord to forgive mine I tried to list them.  (The ones I knew about) They were about a mile long. You ask Him to be YOUR Savior.  That is it.  You are promised the same promise I have.  Heaven and a God that fights for you. 

Romans 3:23 all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God;

Be warned.  When you accept Jesus, you have gained a Savior and gained an enemy. Satan is a very real enemy.  He will tell you over and over that your salvation is not enough, don’t bother telling anyone about Jesus, you will never be good enough to get into heaven….etc. He is the prince of liars. 

 1 Peter 5:8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But just the name of Jesus can send Satan running. Like I said, Jesus is the winning team.

Writing this puts me in a vulnerable place.  If you are already saved, then I love you and I am so glad you have the Good News about Him. 

If you are not saved yet, you might really resent this letter.  You might even want to tell me so.  That is ok.  I can take the heat. I’m no longer scared to stand for the name of Jesus.

 If this letter offends you, I am sorry it does. Ask yourself why it really offends?  Truth usually has a way of doing that. I can’t argue you to the Cross. But again, I would rather say these words now than look around in heaven and realize you are not going to be there with me, one day. 

Part of loving Jesus is stepping out on faith and going to people to tell them that no one is left out of this promise if they want the Savior.  

In a few months it will be Easter. Easter is a time to realize it isn't about Egg hunts (which I still love to do for the kids), candy and pretty pastel dresses. It is about Jesus crucified on a cross for your sins and mine.  He rose after being sealed in a tomb. The tomb was open.  Jesus lives.  One day He will come again.  In the meantime, His salvation is yours for the taking. I love you enough to tell you about Him. Earth was never meant to be all there was for us-it is temporary.  Heaven is our home.

In Christ,

CeCe