I have to admit that even after I lost my hair, I "shampooed" my head (stumble and all) every day in hopes that it promoted healthy hair or something. Silly, yes.... but I did it. Now, my hair is growing back in. Not evenly though. Lots on the sides and back and hardly more than fuzz on the top/bangs area. This is not a good look:) I am hoping it starts filling in because a comb-over is not attractive on a female-well, let's face it's not attractive on anyone.
I even bought a brush! The lady at CVS looked at me kind of strange. I said, "Wishful thinking?"
The hair is bright silver and black. (Forgot my natural color was so dark) Hmmmm......well, it is hair. Cassidy said, "Good thing, there is hair color!" Smarty pants!
Surgery is Thursday. I am praying for "clear margins", eye lashes, eye brows and hair and if not all can be given at once, I just want clear margins for now.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Last Chemo
Every one asked me "What are you doing special for your last day of chemo?" Uh....nothing. To me, it was not a special day. Anti-climatic. I am thankful to be done, but was not in a partying mood. I got a free t-shirt-no lie-that says I SURVIVED CHEMOTHERAPY. OK. It was sweet. I think I will not wear it in public. But I can sleep in it. It is just a big red target for more people to come approach me in HEB. Lol
I adore my team of nurses at the St. Joseph Cancer Clinic. (I think they have talked Cassidy into a new line of work) I love my oncologist, Dr. Fleener. They are all blessings to me. Probably saved my life. In 7 days of finding the tumor, myself, I was in an oncologist office and had a plan. That is pretty rare. I know my ob/gyn and surgeon worked hard to get me into the best team possible.
I am pretty sure the reason I am not in a partying mood is because I know the second half of this battle comes in the surgical room on November 1. My tumor has not shrunk down to a 1.8 or 2.2 as we thought but is predicted to be a 2.6, still half of the original amount. This means the surgeon still has to cut a cm. in diameter around that to attempt to get clear margins. He said we will not know until 3-4 days after surgery if they are clear. If they are-great, I go to the next step-30 cycles of radiation. If not, more surgery and it will look more like a mastectomy. But Fleener is pretty confident that the 2.6 measurement is off and he can get clear margins anyway.
So I am confident that surgery will just happen like its going to happen and we will pray for clear margins. It's going to be in God's hands. I control nothing.
I adore my team of nurses at the St. Joseph Cancer Clinic. (I think they have talked Cassidy into a new line of work) I love my oncologist, Dr. Fleener. They are all blessings to me. Probably saved my life. In 7 days of finding the tumor, myself, I was in an oncologist office and had a plan. That is pretty rare. I know my ob/gyn and surgeon worked hard to get me into the best team possible.
I am pretty sure the reason I am not in a partying mood is because I know the second half of this battle comes in the surgical room on November 1. My tumor has not shrunk down to a 1.8 or 2.2 as we thought but is predicted to be a 2.6, still half of the original amount. This means the surgeon still has to cut a cm. in diameter around that to attempt to get clear margins. He said we will not know until 3-4 days after surgery if they are clear. If they are-great, I go to the next step-30 cycles of radiation. If not, more surgery and it will look more like a mastectomy. But Fleener is pretty confident that the 2.6 measurement is off and he can get clear margins anyway.
So I am confident that surgery will just happen like its going to happen and we will pray for clear margins. It's going to be in God's hands. I control nothing.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Pretty People
The County Fair for me holds lots of things. Small joys with my kids, lots of high school memories and tons of music and tradition. For the most part, it was a positive experience this year all the way around. I was exhausted being a chemo patient and up there over 12 hours one day, and various days similar days but other than that, it was fine. Kids made out like bandits on sale so we are very thankful.
But I struggled with last night. Joe and I worked the dance hall booth (like I did last year). I can't fit into anything attractive because of the steroids so I wore a t-shirt and jeans that What Not to Wear would hang me for, I am bald wearing a scarf, despite my makeup my eyebrows and eyelashes are almost completely gone....so the belle of the ball is gone. I was never a beautiful woman but the one that used to flirt and charm her way through a dance floor is no more. It was hard to swallow.
I was surrounded by pretty girls with their pretty blingy clothes that I can't fit into anymore, with their pretty long hair and their pretty sparkly jewelry. They were flirting with the pretty boys that gave them a lot of attention. And they laughed and danced to pretty music. (I sat and watched, a lot like Scarlett O'Hara at the Ball after she is widowed for the first time). Then those pretty girls leaned into the dance hall booth where we sold beer chips and smiled and flirted with my pretty husband where he occasionally and innocently flirted back. Thus, I wanted to scratch their pretty little eyes out. Hard to digest - to put it mildly.
I was exhausted after being at auction until 2:30 that day and all week so I tried to put it into perceptive but driving home I cried. My husband asked me what was wrong but I didn't dare start speaking in fear of the flood that would follow. I hated all those girls. I hated all those clothes that I would not fit into. I hated their hair. I hated all the starched up boys that asked them to dance. Most of all I hated the way I looked and how people looked at me.
I don't write this blog to make people feel better. I write what I honestly feel about cancer. Honestly is not pretty. I have been pretty upbeat all week but goodness last night kicked me in the gut all over again.
But I struggled with last night. Joe and I worked the dance hall booth (like I did last year). I can't fit into anything attractive because of the steroids so I wore a t-shirt and jeans that What Not to Wear would hang me for, I am bald wearing a scarf, despite my makeup my eyebrows and eyelashes are almost completely gone....so the belle of the ball is gone. I was never a beautiful woman but the one that used to flirt and charm her way through a dance floor is no more. It was hard to swallow.
I was surrounded by pretty girls with their pretty blingy clothes that I can't fit into anymore, with their pretty long hair and their pretty sparkly jewelry. They were flirting with the pretty boys that gave them a lot of attention. And they laughed and danced to pretty music. (I sat and watched, a lot like Scarlett O'Hara at the Ball after she is widowed for the first time). Then those pretty girls leaned into the dance hall booth where we sold beer chips and smiled and flirted with my pretty husband where he occasionally and innocently flirted back. Thus, I wanted to scratch their pretty little eyes out. Hard to digest - to put it mildly.
I was exhausted after being at auction until 2:30 that day and all week so I tried to put it into perceptive but driving home I cried. My husband asked me what was wrong but I didn't dare start speaking in fear of the flood that would follow. I hated all those girls. I hated all those clothes that I would not fit into. I hated their hair. I hated all the starched up boys that asked them to dance. Most of all I hated the way I looked and how people looked at me.
I don't write this blog to make people feel better. I write what I honestly feel about cancer. Honestly is not pretty. I have been pretty upbeat all week but goodness last night kicked me in the gut all over again.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Dark Side
Kelly Clarkson has a song out right now. Dark Side. It really speaks to me right now. Don't know why. Cancer feels dark. Brings out the darker part of you. Oh, there are people that pretend to be fine with it. I call bull on that one! Cancer is never "fine". Some people just fake it better than others. I am staying busy (4 kids at home means I must stay busy) but the thought of that poison lurking inside me is always in the back of my mind. Until it is gone, there is no rest. No peace for me. If we are being honest....that is the truth.
Dark Side
There's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away
Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
What can become
If you give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
Friday, September 28, 2012
Lion King and Mommy
I have Isaiah home today. Took him to the doctor. His throat looks like strep, feels like strep but isn't testing positive. Doc said it probably would culture positive by tomorrow morning. Anyway, I am home with Ikester. He was watching Lion King (for the millionth time!) so I laid down on my bed with out my scarf. He came in and I expected shock from him.
Ike: Whoaaaa-where's your hair?
Me: No answer
Ike: Oh, I forgot it's gone. Do you sneak in here to take that off (pointing to the scarf)?
Me: Yep
Ike: Ok. I am going to watch Lion King. You don't have to be in your room. I like your hair.
He is the only kid out of the 5 that would react that way. The others have told me this is NOT acceptable. Lol Therefore, since I lost my hair in June, no one has seen me without some type of head cover on. Only Isaiah. Sweet boy!
Ike: Whoaaaa-where's your hair?
Me: No answer
Ike: Oh, I forgot it's gone. Do you sneak in here to take that off (pointing to the scarf)?
Me: Yep
Ike: Ok. I am going to watch Lion King. You don't have to be in your room. I like your hair.
He is the only kid out of the 5 that would react that way. The others have told me this is NOT acceptable. Lol Therefore, since I lost my hair in June, no one has seen me without some type of head cover on. Only Isaiah. Sweet boy!
Monday, September 24, 2012
Quiet Day at Chemo
Saw Dr. Fleener. She and I talked of things to come. New words like remission. Haven't heard that one associated with my case yet. That will be my new word after surgery. It has a certain ring to it.
I asked her to write a positive letter about my cancer to attach to my adoption home study for Sherry. She and I discussed what kind of adoption this was. CPS adoptions tend to shut adoptions down even if the patient has been in remission for a couple of years. This a private adoption so I was told by my lawyer it should not be a factor but it still scares me. You might want to pray for us. It is a scary thing for someone else to make decisions when the doctor thinks I am healthy enough to do this and Joe and I know we are the right people to adopt.
I asked her to write a positive letter about my cancer to attach to my adoption home study for Sherry. She and I discussed what kind of adoption this was. CPS adoptions tend to shut adoptions down even if the patient has been in remission for a couple of years. This a private adoption so I was told by my lawyer it should not be a factor but it still scares me. You might want to pray for us. It is a scary thing for someone else to make decisions when the doctor thinks I am healthy enough to do this and Joe and I know we are the right people to adopt.
Friday, September 21, 2012
The Biker
I was stuck at Walmart (why is it always Walmart) and a man's voice came from behind. It was one of those Sean Connery silvery toned, deep voices...I half expected to see him standing there. Except without the accent. Instead it was a biker. Older man. He asked me how I was doing. At first I thought he was asking because I had been arguing (politely) with customer service over the expired Visa card they sold me. But then he clarified..."I mean, how are you doing with the cancer?"
It was a rare time I didn't bristle. He was really being sweet. He said his wife battled it three times. The first time the doctors wouldn't listen when she begged for a mastectomy and as a result it came back twice. Different story than mine but he told me it was the hardest thing he had ever walked through and could not imagine her pain or mine. I didn't take offense to anything he said. Clearly, he just wanted to reach out. He saw my ring and asked how my husband was taking it. No one ever asks about Joe. We talked for about 15 minutes.
I walked out to my truck feeling very blessed as I watched him drive off on his Harley. A true gentleman.
It was a rare time I didn't bristle. He was really being sweet. He said his wife battled it three times. The first time the doctors wouldn't listen when she begged for a mastectomy and as a result it came back twice. Different story than mine but he told me it was the hardest thing he had ever walked through and could not imagine her pain or mine. I didn't take offense to anything he said. Clearly, he just wanted to reach out. He saw my ring and asked how my husband was taking it. No one ever asks about Joe. We talked for about 15 minutes.
I walked out to my truck feeling very blessed as I watched him drive off on his Harley. A true gentleman.
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