Door 3?

Joe and I were braced for really bad news after the Petscan/Catscan.  And we were ready for great news.  Remission.  When the doctor came in she gave us the news that if she looked at the Catscan-she would declare "remission".  Petscan still shows the nodule in my right lung. It almost looks normal.  The "heat" of the cancer is down to 2.5 from 5 or 7-this is HUGE praise.  God has for sure answered my prayers and all of your prayers.

We asked a bunch of questions.  Xeloda will work only so long and then we will switch to another combo drug, and then another.  Remission does not last with my kind of cancer, according to statistics.  So when we got in the truck, I asked my husband, "Is it just me or are you conflicted with  your feelings on the results?  Thankful but doubtful?"  He replied that he was expecting Door #1(bad news) or Door #2 (Remission) but hadn't consider a Door #3.  Me either.  He hit it right on the head.

If you ask medical experts they will caution me.....rejoice but don't get too comfortable.  I think this is a test.  God answered my prayers.  I have a choice.  Either hang on every word the doctor says and pin my hopes on her answers to my questions or trust that Jesus is working.  It may not be to my timing or to my end result but He is in control.  Not doctors. I am choosing to look away from statistics and look toward the small miracle we saw today.  It may be temporary.  But it may not.  Door #3 is-God has the last say-ALWAYS.

Honesty

My next scan is on November 8.  (Brain/body) I am anxiously awaiting the results of that test even before it has been given.  My prayer is that doctors can't find any cancer-anywhere.  To have it so gone (and never to return) they can't explain how it happened.  But I will also be thankful for just staying where it is and being smaller.  No spreading to liver, brain or bones.

I look at my future and I sometimes feel cheated.  Joe and I had so many plans.  Plans to move. Plans to retire together and have a place in the country after the kids all move away.  Plans for grandchildren, weddings of our kids, graduations and now, nothing is certain.  In actuality, nothing is certain with or without cancer but I sure prefer the illusion that there is a pattern of things.  Kids grow up, get married, grand kids follow, you die in the end with a very full life, etc.  So, yes, if I am being honest I feel like I have been cheated because if you listen to medical statistics-that might not happen for me.

I am thankful for every second I have with my family, so please don't send me emails or messages saying "Be thankful" or "Don't worry about any of this." and "Put this in God's hands."  (Yes, I get them-all the time!) I am just being really honest.  Not mad at God. I trust Him, even if He doesn't cure me this side of heaven. Not greedy.  I want to stay with my family.  Is that so wrong?  If I had my way, all 7 of us would just go together when we were all old and gray with grown grandchildren to boot. It would be like one family reunion. But that doesn't happen.  Someone has to go first.  That is a scary thought.

 God is OK with me being honest.

Angels and Us

God created angels are separate beings from us. The theory is that they are fluffy, cuddly creatures in white with big poofy wings.  They are not.  In the Bible it describes them as WARRIORS. Yeah, kick ass types.  Not to be trifled with.  Other descriptions are messengers-still pretty scary because people hide their faces from looking at them.  Read some of these random descriptions of angels.
Exodus 3:2

And the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush. He looked, and behold, the bush was burning, yet it was not consumed.

Matthew 1:24

When Joseph woke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him: he took his wife,

Matthew 16:27

For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done.

Revelation 8:5

Then the angel took the censer and filled it with fire from the altar and threw it on the earth, and there were peals of thunder, rumblings, flashes of lightning, and an earthquake

Revelation 12:7

[ Satan Thrown Down to Earth ] Now war arose in heaven, Michael and his angels fighting against the dragon. And the dragon and his angels fought back,

Just to be really clear-when I die I will not be an angel.  It doesn't promise that in the Bible.  Nice thought but no-I won't.  I was no angel here on earth and I certainly won't be one in heaven.  Do I have an angel who protects me or looks after me?  Certainly. Do I want to look at his face-nope, I am a scaredy cat!   When I go to heaven I will be there for one purpose-worship the Lord.  I would love to think I would be watching out for my kids, but I don't know if my job will entail that.  I do know that my 5 children have a warrior assigned to them.  I trust God to supply that for them.  I don't have a flaming sword anywhere.  (unless I look in Ike's closet-might find one there:)

County Fair

We have the county fair next week but really anyone that has kids that show animals-KNOWS it doesn't actually start on Sunday-it really starts in April (with goats) and late summer with Rabbits. Lots of prep work goes into animals.  Clipping, feeding, grooming, water and lots of daily driving.  (MONEY!) It is worth it when they go to auction.  That is how my kids are saving up for their living expenses for college and a car. So it DOES pay off WHEN/if they go to auction.

I think my kids have forgotten that I am taking chemo. Chemo wipes you out on a regular day.  And my lovely side effects don't help matters. When you add running back and forth to goats (they don't live in our back yard-ten min drive each day), helping them work them and rabbit stuff plus you add in football practice, violin lessons, middle school homework (which will be another post!) and rehearsals for choir, etc....this MOMMA IS TIRED.

Some friends say "Well, you don't have to be out there at fair, let Joe do it."  Our family doesn't work like that. Do you KNOW me?  lol  I organize everything, keep the kids on track, get them where they need to go-besides I deserve to see them accomplish things.  I put in half of the work!  Joe has a full time-very demanding job.  When he gets home, he is running with us the whole time. I am blessed to have a man who does his part with the kids.   What WILL HELP is when Sherry gets her licence to drive!!  WHOOOHOOO.

I know next week will be full throttle school/county fair.  I will probably be crying by Wed. but I am will be doing a happy dance when (please LORD!) the kids stand at the auction and people bid on those goats and rabbits.  Come out to the Waller County Fair-Tuesday/Thursday and Sat.  It is something we look forward to (and dread on some levels) every year.  It is a LOT of hard work for all of us.

Trenches

My battle trenches are deep.  Cancer dug them for me.  I try to dig out.  I try to fight the good fight but sometimes it gets dark within the trench walls.  Jesus shines a light. I can choose joy or misery will choose me.  I have to remind myself of that about 100 times a day.  Inside these trenches is hopeless, despair and fear.  It is just where Satan wants me.  Afraid.  Scared to try to have a life. Afraid to plan.

But God wants me to look up, out of my trench into the sun, even into the stars.  He wants me to focus on the Light-always, not my circumstances. I say these words and I know I fall short of following them. He doesn't care-He still commands me to find joy.

Glass House

My boys will be fourth generation Aggies if they decide to go to Texas A&M.  In our house there is a lot of talk about our very young quarterback. I have looked at the media, the fans, and even the people that want him to fail.  After watching the chaos on ESPN and social media, I have come to one conclusion.  

If you are looking at a man (or woman) to be a role model, you will be disappointed at some point. Sure, we need an example, but a human is not it.  Men are fallible.  They fall. They stumble. They make mistakes and, nowadays, in front of the whole world if you have a camera turned on them.  Many people crave the attention. Some people dodge it. Some should. 

Don’t look at any athlete or Hollywood icon to give your children examples to follow.  The Bible points to ONE.  Jesus.  He is the only example that will never fail or disappoint. If your focus is on him, your life morphs into purpose, grace and honor. Place your focus elsewhere and you will be broken with the world’s lies, deceit, and disillusion.  

Romans 3:23-for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  This means a quarterback, a starlet, teachers, parents, police officers, a President.  This means me. I try not to throw stones because I have one BIG glass house, if you get my drift. 

Heaven Conversation

"Mommy, what if I get to heaven and you're not there yet? I might be scared." This is the conversation I dreaded most about cancer.  Ike brought it up out of the blue as I tucked him in (a job usually Joe does-not me) His eyes welled up with tears.  He was serious and after an answer.

Me: You can sit with Jesus and wait for me. But waiting in heaven is not like here on earth. You might ask Jesus "Where is my mom" and I would be there in a flash. 

I kind of acted it out with mock conversation.  

He giggled but only briefly.  

Ike: "What if you can't find me there?"  

Me: The minute I get to heaven, Jesus will show me.  But you'll be so busy that you won't notice time or where I am.  

Ike:  "What will I be doing?"  Singing, dancing, playing and all to honor the King on the Throne.

Ike: "If you get there before me, just wait." 

I really tried not to cry. This came out of no where. Cass almost said the exact same thing when she was about five. I told him I would wait until he is holding my hand again.  

Ike held on to my hand for a long time.  "I love you with all my heart and kisses."

Yes, this is what motherhood really is-teaching them about Jesus and their eternal home. 

To add to this, the conversation went a little south with questions like
Are there animals in heaven?
Are there bounce houses in Heaven?
Do you think dinosaurs live there too?

How big is an angel?