Still Here

After 2 years of fighting this cancer, it is weird to say I am used to it.  Chemo has become a way of life to us.  The kids don't really even register that I have cancer anymore. That is a curse and a blessing all in one. There are rather high expectations where my energy is concerned.  The expectations are set upon me by me but my Joe and the kids are guilty of this too.  I won't stop until I literally drop.  I monitor my energy level. I nap before big events or long activities and then I usually plan one day in bed a week. (This does not mean I don't get really angry or depressed sometimes but it kind of like "Oh well...." around here)

Joe is gone until SEPT 3. Yes, I said 3 months.  It will benefit us in the end but right now I feel like I have Satan at all four sides and he is whipping my butt. I am pretty stubborn by nature.  I am trying not to add to my plate (which is full to the brim right now).  Don't worry, I am armed with various weapons-figuratively and literally.

My prayer request is an odd one.  The regular "heal me prayer" is always the first thing I ask for from my friends.  Pray that I am miraculously healed. COMPLETELY.
But my second prayer is that I publish my novel.  I want to leave that as a legacy and a provision for my family.  Some people have relayed to me that this should be the last thing I worry about. Well, I still have dreams cancer can not erase.  If you pray, I appreciate it!

Caged Up Humor:)

Kids see things so different.  Today, during Ethan’s award ceremony, SJH showed a super cute video of the 8th graders.  Total goof balls…..loved it.  It was set to the Katy Perry song, Roar.  The kids danced, held up signs, and just generally acted like fun kids!  Wish I had the money on the spot to buy the dvd but I didn’t.  

Anyway, there was this one part where it showed where the band equipment goes-rows of like giant cages (lockers).  Bigger than my Labrador's huge kennel. In the middle of the video, the kids had gotten in them and were “rattling” the cages.  (Note:  I worked for this school.  ALL CONTROLLED….NO ONE WAS LOCKED IN THEM!!! I repeat no children were harmed in the making of this graduation video!)  

I was laughing so hard.  Ike did NOT find it amusing.  Here is the conversation that followed.

Ike:  Those JERKS…they are putting kids in cages!  (His face was priceless…total outrage.  I tried to keep a straight face.)

Me:  Shhhh….Ike!!  Oh no, honey…..that isn’t…

Ike:  Is that what they DO IN MIDDLE SCHOOL?

Me:  No, it is joke, they aren’t really…

Ike: That’s NOT funny.  Wait, is my brother, Ethan in there?

Me:  No. Honey, no one is in there. No one is in a…

Ike:  Is Zach? (friend of Ethan’s)

Me:  No

Ike: Is Colton? Is Andy? Is Allyn?

 (The list went on and on and by this time the parents behind me were giggling.  Ike’s grave expression was priceless.)

Me:  No (to all).  Ike, it was a joke.  It was just to make the video funny.  

Ike:  Well, it’s not funny and they better not put my brother in there.  You don’t put kids in cages. What is wrong with this school?   

Me:  (Trying to calm him down because he was getting louder and louder and more outraged) Hush.  No one is in a cage.  Oh my gosh. 

Ike mumbled for about five more minutes about the unfair life of middle school students.  

At the end of the ceremony, an administrator (awesome principal who I worked for in the past) spoke and made reference to the video.  I don’t remember his exact words but it was something like “I saw some great dance moves and some not so great dance moves.  I saw some cages.  We don’t have that in high school.”  

We all laughed.  The kids laughed. 

Ike said, “See, he didn't think it was funny either.”  

Classic.  I have laughed all day even though a particular 8 year old still doesn’t see the humor!!!

Ten things I am thankful for....

I am thankful for....

1) feet that are still walking or getting around

2) kids that swing into action when I am sick

3) husband that feeds me ice chips

4) Ambian

5) oncologist that always thinks of what is best for me-not exactly what I want to hear sometimes

6) praying friends

7) My friend traveling through D.C  who sends me emails checking in at random

8) old faithfuls...the friends who have not forgotten I am still in the trenches fighting, who keep reminding me they are praying, thinking of me, etc

9) rain, sweet rain

10) thunder

11) a Mother's Day card in PERFECT Ikester handwriting made all by himself at school.  Goes straight in my treasure box.

12) kids that love me

13) financial steady times (for now)

14) college boy moving back to this area

15) end of school coming up-end of crushing schedules

16) strength to let Joe go for 3 months for training.  

17) a bed and breakfast trip coming up

18) my Jesus being patient with me as I stamp my feet and say "THIS IS NOT FAIR!" 

19) Jesus holding me as I cry, "I am so done with this.  Let me out of this deal, please."  

20) Jesus that gives me rest and assurance that I am His.  

Tag Line Contest

I have very vocal and creative friends SO here is a challenge just for you.  (I am kind of scared to see what you come up with)  I am going to be a columnist for a new digital magazine coming out this summer but I need a "tag line".  2-4 word catchy line that sums up me or my personality. Trying to use alliteration but not sound cheesy. 

Some suggestions have been Boots and Bluebonnets, Gritty Girl, etc.  

I need suggestions because it will be on everything-column tag line, novels that I plan to publish, a website, title of my blogs, etc.  Whoever comes up with the best one I will either use your name in my next novel or put your name in my acknowledgment page when I get published.  Your choice.  

(Rules-nothing with cancer-I am more than that.)

Let the games and fun begin:) Contest on……GO!

Friends

Friendships change, shift, disappear, thrive, morph and reappear. Like most girls, I grew up with friends that I thought I would have forever.  Growing up, marrying and having kids changes your relationships with your friends.  That is natural.  Friends of your teens or early adult years mature at different rates and it is not reasonable to expect to keep EVERY friend you have ever made.

Your true friends show themselves when you are in the trenches.

I was not prepared for was the utter loss of certain friends when I was diagnosed the first time with cancer.  People I thought were my "2 a.m friends" (this is a term used for people you can call at 2 a.m with emergencies-it should be a short list) vanished.  Friends that I considered "good friends",(maybe I wouldn't call them at 2 a.m but they would be there for me in a good times and bad) dropped off the radar really quick.  I mean gone.....never to call or see you again.

For a year or more, I was bitter about this.  Saddened deeply.  Grieved.  It still bothers me, especially if I see those select people.  But I let go of it last month.  At a Beth Moore Bible Study the group was asked to write down something that had scarred or marked them on a notecard (without your name of course) and lay it on the altar.  Symbolically-you are laying it at God's feet and letting go of it. Normally, this type of activity would have made me very uncomfortable.  I don't like touchy-feely kind of moments in public.  But a weight was on my heart that I could not deal with anymore.

You would think with the severity of this illness I would have something else to write on that card, but abandonment was the main word.  Not cancer, not chemo, not surgeries, not even the fear of dying.  It was being forgotten by a handful of people I trusted and loved that marked me the deepest.

In spite of that loss, God filled my life with new friends or stronger ones. Out of the darkest hours, a writing mentor, my Bible study group, church family, high school friends, neighbors down my street and an adoptive online Facebook group became pillars of strength for me.  God supplied them.  Hand picked. They filled in the gaps made by others.  I am so thankful.

Trials always teach humans something.  It teaches us to love or how to be indifferent...be resilient or weak....to be a friend or not. Trials have taught me to be a bit more careful with friends. Value the ones that God supplies.

Panic Attack

I decided to boycott Relay For Life. I also had a cold. So I really didn't feel well, physically.  Relay for Life is supposed to be this really beautiful thing.  But it brings back too many bad memories.  I don't like it.  My kids had to go for school reasons.  Then I realized it was affecting my middle son.  Badly.  So we both boycotted it .  The more I heard about Relay for Life or saw it on Facebook or thought about people being there, the worse it got for me.  It is not rational. I know this event has nothing to do with my cancer but it is linked mentally to me.  I want no part of it.

I moved into a horrible panic attack.  I guess that is what you call it.  It started in the shower where I wailed and beat my fists into the tile.  I was tired of being sick, tired of meds, and tired of not being "normal".  The episode grew into a full blown panic attack. I couldn't breathe, cried uncontrollably, hot face, clawed at my neck of my shirt.....I lost it.  Joe had to literally hold me and pray over me.  I felt the Holy Spirit calming me.  I calmed down somewhat but man, that was the worst I have been in over a year.  I took sleep meds and Adavan and it still didn't calm me down much.  Of course, I had fever too so this was probably adding to the feeling like crap part.

This week means many things to me and now to my kids.  Around Mother's Day/Relay for Life, the past 2 years on May 17, I have been diagnosed with cancer Stage 2 and then Stage 4.  So I guess I am getting more and more aware of what day is coming.  So is the middle son.  Relay for Life just kind of kicks off the week of terror for me.

Today I ran into Mary B. and she gave me two scriptures.  I can't remember them now.  Everything is kind of a blur.  Plus, I am still dealing with this cold/low grade fever.  I attempted to go to baseball today-I didn't last through 2 innings and left.

Right now if I could punch something with my red, burned hands, I would take it out on a punching bag.  If I could run to a beach house-I would disappear for about a week....let's say after May 17.
I am thankful for the pool and sunshine today-although I didn't feel good, I stuck my feet in the cold water and prayed.  (Felt good on my poor feet too).

Processing With A Seven Year Old

While I was tucking in Ike, he noticed the redness of the bottom of my feet.  It prompted a very off the cuff kind of question and answer session between us.

Ike: Mommy, why are you still taking Ninja medicine (chemo)?
Me: Because it is working to kill the cancer cells.
Ike: But I thought you got rid of the cancer.  It's still there? Why?  You lost your hair and everything.
Me: My cancer is a kind of sneaky, tricky kind and it didn't kill all of the bad cells last time.
Ike:  So you have it again? (His voice breaking up)  Mommy....I thought it was gone.
Me:  (I lost it-bawling) I did too honey.

(He crawled up in my lap and buried his head)
After rocking him for a few minutes, I told him this medicine was doing a good job.

Ike:  Are you going to die?  This time...are you gonna die?
Me: Everyone dies.
Ike:  Sometimes babies in Mommy's tummies, old people, like that?
Me: Yes-everyone. I am no different.  One day I will too.  But I'm going to heaven. I love Jesus. He will be so excited to see me. And you, one day.
Ike:  Will you look different?
Me:  I will look better.  My hair will probably be longer.
There was a long pause. I guess he was processing the information again.

Ike:  Will you know me when you get to heaven?  Can I find you there?

Folks, this is probably the hardest conversation I have had to have with someone with the exception of telling my middle son when I was re-diagnosed. Seriously, I could barely breathe as we were talking.

Ike ended it with saying, "Mommy I want Jesus to hold you with his whole heart."
Me too.