Door 3?

Joe and I were braced for really bad news after the Petscan/Catscan.  And we were ready for great news.  Remission.  When the doctor came in she gave us the news that if she looked at the Catscan-she would declare "remission".  Petscan still shows the nodule in my right lung. It almost looks normal.  The "heat" of the cancer is down to 2.5 from 5 or 7-this is HUGE praise.  God has for sure answered my prayers and all of your prayers.

We asked a bunch of questions.  Xeloda will work only so long and then we will switch to another combo drug, and then another.  Remission does not last with my kind of cancer, according to statistics.  So when we got in the truck, I asked my husband, "Is it just me or are you conflicted with  your feelings on the results?  Thankful but doubtful?"  He replied that he was expecting Door #1(bad news) or Door #2 (Remission) but hadn't consider a Door #3.  Me either.  He hit it right on the head.

If you ask medical experts they will caution me.....rejoice but don't get too comfortable.  I think this is a test.  God answered my prayers.  I have a choice.  Either hang on every word the doctor says and pin my hopes on her answers to my questions or trust that Jesus is working.  It may not be to my timing or to my end result but He is in control.  Not doctors. I am choosing to look away from statistics and look toward the small miracle we saw today.  It may be temporary.  But it may not.  Door #3 is-God has the last say-ALWAYS.

Honesty

My next scan is on November 8.  (Brain/body) I am anxiously awaiting the results of that test even before it has been given.  My prayer is that doctors can't find any cancer-anywhere.  To have it so gone (and never to return) they can't explain how it happened.  But I will also be thankful for just staying where it is and being smaller.  No spreading to liver, brain or bones.

I look at my future and I sometimes feel cheated.  Joe and I had so many plans.  Plans to move. Plans to retire together and have a place in the country after the kids all move away.  Plans for grandchildren, weddings of our kids, graduations and now, nothing is certain.  In actuality, nothing is certain with or without cancer but I sure prefer the illusion that there is a pattern of things.  Kids grow up, get married, grand kids follow, you die in the end with a very full life, etc.  So, yes, if I am being honest I feel like I have been cheated because if you listen to medical statistics-that might not happen for me.

I am thankful for every second I have with my family, so please don't send me emails or messages saying "Be thankful" or "Don't worry about any of this." and "Put this in God's hands."  (Yes, I get them-all the time!) I am just being really honest.  Not mad at God. I trust Him, even if He doesn't cure me this side of heaven. Not greedy.  I want to stay with my family.  Is that so wrong?  If I had my way, all 7 of us would just go together when we were all old and gray with grown grandchildren to boot. It would be like one family reunion. But that doesn't happen.  Someone has to go first.  That is a scary thought.

 God is OK with me being honest.