Honesty

My next scan is on November 8.  (Brain/body) I am anxiously awaiting the results of that test even before it has been given.  My prayer is that doctors can't find any cancer-anywhere.  To have it so gone (and never to return) they can't explain how it happened.  But I will also be thankful for just staying where it is and being smaller.  No spreading to liver, brain or bones.

I look at my future and I sometimes feel cheated.  Joe and I had so many plans.  Plans to move. Plans to retire together and have a place in the country after the kids all move away.  Plans for grandchildren, weddings of our kids, graduations and now, nothing is certain.  In actuality, nothing is certain with or without cancer but I sure prefer the illusion that there is a pattern of things.  Kids grow up, get married, grand kids follow, you die in the end with a very full life, etc.  So, yes, if I am being honest I feel like I have been cheated because if you listen to medical statistics-that might not happen for me.

I am thankful for every second I have with my family, so please don't send me emails or messages saying "Be thankful" or "Don't worry about any of this." and "Put this in God's hands."  (Yes, I get them-all the time!) I am just being really honest.  Not mad at God. I trust Him, even if He doesn't cure me this side of heaven. Not greedy.  I want to stay with my family.  Is that so wrong?  If I had my way, all 7 of us would just go together when we were all old and gray with grown grandchildren to boot. It would be like one family reunion. But that doesn't happen.  Someone has to go first.  That is a scary thought.

 God is OK with me being honest.