The last stretch

Life has gone on.  My kids and my husband probably don't think about it much but I am still going through treatment.  It still sucks. Not as much as chemo but it is not fun.  I wouldn't say that I am "forgotten" but it feels like on a daily basis when my husband and kids don't really stop and think about the fact that I am STILL going through this crap.

I am not sick anymore.  And I'm not depressed or very angry on a daily basis. Thank the Good Lord. I am not bald. Really thankful.  I am thankful for finding out who my true friends are....that was a hard lesson but I am thankful.  Lost a lot of friends, who I thought were friends, in the process but a good sifting was in order, I guess.  I don't feel like a train hit me...so that is good.  But I lay on a table, half naked every day, and get residual cancer cells fried.  EVERY FREAKING DAY!  Yes, it gets weary.

I am tired of driving there, I am tired of stripping off my clothes in front of strangers, and I am tired of feeling like I fell asleep in a tanning bed on one side.  Most of all I am TIRED of not looking like me.  Chemo left me with silver hair, an odd complexion with a rash on my face, gray eyebrows, and about 15 lbs of weight.  It pisses me off.  I am 44, not 66.  But I feel like I am 66 right now.  I certainly look it.

I have had about 5 people come up to me at various times and tell me "I had cancer and it blessed me...."  WHATEVER!  Cancer is not a blessing.  I am sick of people claiming that it blessed them somehow.  You can sell that somewhere else.

Great Week

I have slept the last 4 nights.  This is a HUGE accomplishment.

My daughter said, "I feel like I have learned something today! I'm not waiting on other students to finish their work before I learn some more!" This was our first day of homeschooling.  She looked very happy.  I haven't seen her smile like that in months.  I felt like I had a purpose today.

I had normal energy this past week.  Wow....I feel good.  Especially with sleep!

Sleep? What is sleep?

Let's talk about sleep or the lack there of.  When you go through chemo, your body is all jacked up.  Steroids the doctors give you keep you up so I was given Adavan to help me sleep.  2 at night.  Every night.  After my last week of chemo, Doc told me to stay on the Adavan because the chemo resides in your system for up to 10 days and therefore, I might have trouble sleeping.  I tried at various times to NOT take it and sleep without it-didn't work.  The steroids just keep you wired.  With chemo you also feel like you need to sleep at weird times (not at night), so I would catch a nap, daily.

Then with surgery, I had pain killers prescribed, which I hated to take but they were necessary.  They confused my body.  Made me sleepy but I didn't actually sleep.  Adavan helped.  I was down to one at night.  I stopped taking pain killers about a week and half after surgery (a radiation doctor kind of set me back on recovery progress when he started poking around on my incision and put me back in the pain zone) Now, I am down to nothing at night and no pain killers for about a week or so.  I am also breaking my habit of napping during the day.  I'm actually just laying down for about 15-30 min and not sleeping.  This is a huge habit to break.  This week, my goal is to not lie down at all, except on Sunday:)   The bigger problem is I can not remember a time when a full night's sleep happened.

Radiation is about to start-I am worried about the fatigue factor.  I would like my energy to increase not decrease.  It has been great to have a little more energy each day lately.

I guess I am wondering when do I go back to normal where sleep is concerned.  I would like to just turn off the lights and go to sleep each night.

Rough Day

This Sunday I really wanted to be off pain killers post surgery.  I missed seeing my kids.  Pain killers confuse me. They make me sleepy but I can't sleep.  Make me want to curl up on my bed away from people, but make me lonely. I can't focus on them and Joe has to really be in charge.  The kids are kind of on auto pilot.  Which I don't like.  I can still hear them on LOUD auto pilot.  (They are being really good but when mom is down...the mice like to play.)  So I decided I didn't need them.  Well, apparently the 4 incisions on my body laughed at me and decided otherwise.  About 1 p.m I was a crying mess.

Being in pain also draws out other stuff that is bothering you like worrying secretly about the pathology report that is still outstanding and an unknown.  If you know me you know I like to be in control.  Cancer =in control of NOTHING.  This is probably why I have been crying today more than just over being in some pain.  I would like to hear the two words "clear margins" so we can move on to the third phase of this mess.  Radiation.

So today was a rough day but tomorrow will be better I am sure.  Joe goes back to work and the kids go back to school.

Where is my hair brush.....

I have to admit that even after I lost my hair, I "shampooed" my head (stumble and all) every day in hopes that it promoted healthy hair or something.  Silly, yes.... but I did it.  Now, my hair is growing back in.  Not evenly though.  Lots on the sides and back and hardly more than fuzz on the top/bangs area.  This is not a good look:)  I am hoping it starts filling in because a comb-over is not attractive on a female-well, let's face it's not attractive on anyone.

I even bought a brush! The lady at CVS looked at me kind of strange.  I said, "Wishful thinking?"
The hair is bright silver and black.  (Forgot my natural color was so dark)  Hmmmm......well, it is hair.  Cassidy said, "Good thing, there is hair color!"  Smarty pants!

Surgery is Thursday.  I am praying for "clear margins", eye lashes, eye brows and hair and if not all can be given at once, I just want clear margins for now.

Last Chemo

Every one asked me "What are you doing special for your last day of chemo?"  Uh....nothing.  To me, it was not a special day.  Anti-climatic.  I am thankful to be done, but was not in a partying mood.  I got a free t-shirt-no lie-that says I SURVIVED CHEMOTHERAPY.  OK.  It was sweet.  I think I will not wear it in public.  But I can sleep in it.  It is just a big red target for more people to come approach me in HEB.  Lol

I adore my team of nurses at the St. Joseph Cancer Clinic. (I think they have talked Cassidy into a new line of work)  I love my oncologist, Dr. Fleener.  They are all blessings to me.  Probably saved my life.  In 7 days of finding the tumor, myself, I was in an oncologist office and had a plan.  That is pretty rare.  I know my ob/gyn and surgeon worked hard to get me into the best team possible.

I am pretty sure the reason I am not in a partying mood is because I know the second half of this battle comes in the surgical room on November 1.  My tumor has not shrunk down to a 1.8 or 2.2 as we thought but is predicted to be a 2.6, still half of the original amount.  This means the surgeon still has to cut a cm. in diameter around that to attempt to get clear margins.  He said we will not know until 3-4 days after surgery if they are clear.  If they are-great, I go to the next step-30 cycles of radiation.  If not, more surgery and it will look more like a mastectomy.  But Fleener is pretty confident that the 2.6 measurement is off and he can get clear margins anyway.

So I am confident that surgery will just happen like its going to happen and we will pray for clear margins. It's going to be in God's hands.  I control nothing.

Pretty People

The County Fair for me holds lots of things.  Small joys with my kids, lots of high school memories and  tons of music and tradition.  For the most part, it was a positive experience this year all the way around. I was exhausted being a chemo patient and up there over 12 hours one day, and various days similar days but other than that, it was fine.  Kids made out like bandits on sale so we are very thankful.

But I struggled with last night.  Joe and I worked the dance hall booth (like I did last year).  I can't fit into anything attractive because of the steroids so I wore a t-shirt and jeans that What Not to Wear would hang me for, I am bald wearing a scarf, despite my makeup my eyebrows and eyelashes are almost completely gone....so the belle of the ball is gone.  I was never a beautiful woman but the one that used to flirt and charm her way through a dance floor is no more.  It was hard to swallow.

I was surrounded by pretty girls with their pretty blingy clothes that I can't fit into anymore, with their pretty long hair and their pretty sparkly jewelry.  They were flirting with the pretty boys that gave them a lot of attention.  And they laughed and danced to pretty music. (I sat and watched, a lot like Scarlett O'Hara at the Ball after she is widowed for the first time).  Then those pretty girls leaned into the dance hall booth where we sold beer chips and smiled and flirted with my pretty husband where he occasionally and innocently flirted back. Thus, I wanted to scratch their pretty little eyes out.  Hard to digest - to put it mildly.

I was exhausted after being at auction until 2:30 that day and all week so I tried to put it into perceptive but driving home I cried.  My husband asked me what was wrong but I didn't dare start speaking in fear of the flood that would follow.  I hated all those girls.  I hated all those clothes that I would not fit into.  I hated their hair.  I hated all the starched up boys that asked them to dance.  Most of all I hated the way I looked and how people looked at me.

I don't write this blog to make people feel better.  I write what I honestly feel about cancer. Honestly is not pretty. I have been pretty upbeat all week but goodness last night kicked me in the gut all over again.

Dark Side

Kelly Clarkson has a song out right now.  Dark Side.  It really speaks to me right now.  Don't know why.  Cancer feels dark.  Brings out the darker part of you.  Oh, there are people that pretend to be fine with it.  I call bull on that one!  Cancer is never "fine".  Some people just fake it better than others.  I am staying busy (4 kids at home means I must stay busy) but the thought of that poison lurking inside me is always in the back of my mind.  Until it is gone, there is no rest.  No peace for me.  If we are being honest....that is the truth.  

Dark Side

There's a place that I know

It's not pretty there and few have ever gone

If I show it to you now

Will it make you run away

Or will you stay

Even if it hurts

Even if I try to push you out

Will you return?

And remind me who I really am

Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond

From black dust

It's hard to know

What can become

If you give up

So don't give up on me

Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Lion King and Mommy

I have Isaiah home today.  Took him to the doctor.  His throat looks like strep, feels like strep but isn't testing positive.  Doc said it probably would culture positive by tomorrow morning.  Anyway, I am home with Ikester.  He was watching Lion King (for the millionth time!) so I laid down on my bed with out my scarf.  He came in and I expected shock from him.

Ike:  Whoaaaa-where's your hair?
Me:  No answer
Ike:  Oh, I forgot it's gone.  Do you sneak in here to take that off (pointing to the scarf)?
Me:  Yep
Ike:  Ok.  I am going to watch Lion King.  You don't have to be in your room.  I like your hair.

He is the only kid out of the 5 that would react that way.  The others have told me this is NOT acceptable.  Lol  Therefore, since I lost my hair in June, no one has seen me without some type of head cover on.  Only Isaiah. Sweet boy!

Quiet Day at Chemo

Saw Dr. Fleener.  She and I talked of things to come.  New words like remission.  Haven't heard that one associated with my case yet.  That will be my new word after surgery.  It has a certain ring to it.

I asked her to write a positive letter about my cancer to attach to my adoption home study for Sherry.  She and I discussed what kind of adoption this was.  CPS adoptions tend to shut adoptions down even if the patient has been in remission for a couple of years.  This a private adoption so I was told by my lawyer it should not be a factor but it still scares me.  You might want to pray for us.  It is a scary thing for someone else to make decisions when the doctor thinks I am healthy enough to do this and Joe and I  know we are the right people to adopt.

The Biker

I was stuck at Walmart (why is it always Walmart) and a man's voice came from behind.  It was one of those Sean Connery silvery toned, deep voices...I half expected to see him standing there.  Except without the accent.  Instead it was a biker.  Older man.  He asked me how I was doing.  At first I thought he was asking because I had been arguing (politely) with customer service over the expired Visa card they sold me.  But then he clarified..."I mean, how are you doing with the cancer?"

It was a rare time I didn't bristle.  He was really being sweet.  He said his wife battled it three times.  The first time the doctors wouldn't listen when she begged for a mastectomy and as a result it came back twice.  Different story than mine but he told me it was the hardest thing he had ever walked through and could not imagine her pain or mine.  I didn't take offense to anything he said.  Clearly, he just wanted to reach out.  He saw my ring and asked how my husband was taking it.  No one ever asks about Joe.  We talked for about 15 minutes. 

I walked out to my truck feeling very blessed as I watched him drive off on his Harley.  A true gentleman. 

Stages of Grief

There are "grief" stages you go through in cancer.  I thought this was a bunch of bull.  If you are being really honest and not pretending to be Miss Sunshine-this is true.

I skimmed through denial-I knew it was cancer.  I didn't bother bargaining too much.  I knew I didn't have the right to bargain but I prayed a lot for lesser cancer.

The "why me" stage-I still get sucked in there sometimes but it take about 5 minutes in the chemo ward not to ask that question.

 I have been through the depression/sadness part.  That one still sneaks in often, sometimes daily.

Now I am moving into the angry stage, which I would rather skip.  I don't like anger.  I am angry about a lot of things.  Things I can not blog about.  People I can't blog about.  I started a Bible study.  It has helped.  But I am still angry.  Not really at God either.  Just mad as hell.

Do you know I am only half way through this?  I have four more chemo treatments (which is the hardest part, I think) and then I have surgery, radiation so people keep saying stuff like "Well, I bet you can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel...."  Really?  The tunnel is somewhere in January.  It is September right now. Nope-no tunnel right now.  No light.  The more I keep hearing about "recurrence" in patients around me, the worse it gets.  I want to be a one hit wonder.  That is it.  My worst fear is to get this crap again and put my husband and kids through this AGAIN!!!!  See....there is that angry tone again.  Sorry.

I try to list my blessings.  Here are they are for today.

1.  I am thankful that my house is getting cleaned by someone other than me
2.  I am thankful Tanner is away from home getting to escape from this.....wish I was with him:)
3.  I am thankful for my kids and Joe's health.
4.  I am thankful for extra provision right now.

That is all I got folks.  Still mad.  lol

4 more to go...

I was stuck in chemo lab today for many hours.  They were double booked.  So when I got there at 11:00, I had to wait until 2 pm to get into a chair.  You learn a lot when you wait that long.  It is VERY disheartening to learn that people are there for their 2nd or 3rd time through cancer.  It comes up in conversation when you are waiting that long or you over hear people discussing it.  "I had breast cancer  6 years ago, now I have uterine cancer."  Me and my friend, who are first timers (and hopefully last timers) are sitting there sinking further and further into our chairs wanting to disappear.

There were very old people in the chemo ward today.  I don't know if I was in my 60's or beyond and sick (they look sick) if I would put my body would through what I am putting mine through or not.  It is a judgment call, I guess.  I am not sure I would do this again, period.  Your body takes a brutal beating.  My friend and I were talking about this (as we were sitting there for HOURS).  It is do-able but rough.  People call me "strong" and "inspiring"....I am neither.  I cry the night before chemo.  EVERY TIME.  So does she-which oddly enough makes me feel better.  There are people that it doesn't faze.

When you get home from chemo, you want to sleep but you can't because of the steroids.  You don't have the energy because of the chemo.

Reminder

There is a vegetable market close to Julio's in Tomball.  The owner is Vincent (young Hispanic) and his brother Tomas.  I have noticed the market has been closed lately.  Today we ate at Julio's and I took the kids into the vegetable market to see Mr. Vincent.  He and I usually exchange pleasantries and he is the nicest young man.  When I say young-probably late 20's to early 30's.  He apologized for not having much stock out, he had been closed for 3 weeks.  I asked him if everything was OK and he shared with me some sad news.

Vincent's twin brother, Tomas died of a heart attack 3 weeks ago.  I told him how sorry I was to hear of his loss and how we would pray for his family.  I asked him if he had a church family that helped him in South Texas during the funeral arrangements and funeral.  He said it was a huge Catholic service but it has been hard. I again told him I would pray for his family.  But my heart was so sad for him.  First, to have a twin die-must be awful.  Second, to lose a brother to a heart attack SO YOUNG....wow, I was stunned.

If you know of the place by Julio's, stop by and tell him you are praying for him.  It doesn't sound like he goes to church.  I told the kids when we got in the truck, they were very worried for Mr. Vincent.

Time is limited on earth.  I have given my heart to Jesus and know where I am going. Do you?

6 more to go

Since I have been slightly emotional over everything very tired this week, I assumed my anemia (RBC) had dropped back in the 8's.  But no, the nurse said I was still anemic (9.3) which accounts for the fatigue.  I told him-"Taxol was supposed to be the lighter chemo and I feel like I have more small side effects with this one than I did with the two big protocols.
emotional
fatigue
nosebleeds
wheezing/cough-although that one seems to have gone away, I think????
cramping of feet
weight gain/swelling
losing my eyebrows/lashes
fever the last couple of days of the week

He said, "Who told you Taxol was easier?  It is STILL chemo and everyone reacts differently.  Taxol is accumulative too...soooo you are feeling worse and worse as the treatments go.  Sorry but that is the truth of it."   

No wonder I didn't miraculously feel so much better if it's accumulative.  Makes sense.  When I first started taking it, it was like Whooohoooo....this is much better and then every treatment I added a side effect and felt worse with the anemia. 

6 more.....and then the next hurdle.

Unrecognized

I had a rough couple of days.  Side effects haven't really changed but I guess my appearance really has. I don't wear a wig often at all.  I don't feel comfortable in it and when this all started I swore I would wear one everywhere.  I wear scarves.  Hats make my head hurt.  I guess in the last week or so, my eyelashes have  pretty much fallen out and my eyebrows have thinned dramatically. So when I wear the scarf, it screams cancer.  I look different.  So different that people don't recognize me.

I went into Schultz-my former school, where I worked for 3 years and had close friends.  One of my close friends (whom I have not seen since May) walked right up to me twice (even after I said her name twice) and did not acknowledge me.  At first, it stung.  Downright hurt my feelings that she didn't say hello, how are you, anything....and then I realized, she has no clue who I am.  My mouth fell open.  I was shocked.

Happened again at the high school, the same day, with two students that I used to be close with.  One was a kid I taught for 2 years straight and when he usually sees me he bear hugs me, makes a big scene.....but this time when I called his name he looked at me like I was a complete stranger.  He had no recognition of me.  The other one was the same.  Needless to say I cried all day.  All weekend.  I don't write this for pity.  This is just the walk I am on and my appearance is part of it.  When people I know and love don't recognize me-it hurts badly.

I am usually strong and don't let it bother me for the most part.  I know it is all temporary, although comments about that don't comfort me.  I don't really realize how much I have changed on the outside until I have one of these experiences or until I go to chemo and see one of my fellow patients who is on the same protocol looking dramatically different.  I kind of stop and wonder...."Hmmm....they look different-I bet I do too."  It is such a slow process sometimes I don't notice.

One of Those Nights

Had one of those nights....broke down in a fit of tears.  Just tired of looking different, feeling different and basically tired of having cancer.  My kids have kind of forgotten that I am still going through chemo because it is their normal now.  So I am expected to be Wonder Woman again.  I run the taxi service, clean the house, laundry, after school activities but I am still dealing with chemo side effects.  I think they have forgotten.....I try very hard to fake it.  It is hard to fake through fever, anemia and fatigue.  (The fatigue comes from the anemia) 

Broke down, had a good cry and now it is back to doing laundry again:) 

Writing 101

Best advice from my writing residency...

One of us asked, "So how do you get get a novel published?"

A very famous author (whom I have grown to love and respect) told us, "You must first put butt in chair."

This stuck with me.  Oh, you can't just talk about it, dream about it, kind of do it on the side or daydream it on to the pages?

So that is my motto for the year.....BUTT IN CHAIR.

(I will write more when I am not mentally exhausted.  Had chemo and a procedure to correct a stubborn chemo port this week...not really in the mood to blog.)

Working Week

In all the flurry of preparing, chemo and getting four kids prepped for Joe and I leaving separate directions, I am still over the moon excited that I was flying out on Wed. and not returning until Sunday.  First real break I have had since I was diagnosed with cancer in May.  First break from kids for sure!  Even though I will be working at the Craftsman residency and a lot will be expected out of me, I will still be staying at a wonderful hotel in Colorado Springs and not taking care of anyone but me.  I can't wrap my brain around it.

Long before cancer made its appearance, Joe and I prayed about me entering this Craftsman residency.  It was a huge commitment and I was thrilled about the challenge. 

The week I was diagnosed, I tearfully asked Dr. Fleener if I should give it up because part of it involved this trip and with treatment I didn't know what to expect.  She looked very carefully at what part I would be at in the plan and said, "I don't think it is a good idea for you to give up much more.  You are about to lose your hair, your health in many ways, and this is one thing you don't have to give up."  I was so thankful. 

So off I go to my residency assignment for a few days.  Praying my health stays clear and I can do my work.  I pray the kids are prepared enough for school. 

Meltdown on Aisle 5....

I don't know if it was Tanner leaving or if it was cleaning his room and not being able to physically do it.....but I just had one of those hysterical meltdowns that I am sure made my husband go, "What the heck???"  After Tanner left (he literally left nothing in his room) Sherry cleaned the bathroom for me and I swept and mopped his bedroom and bathroom.  I was exhausted to the point of tears.  I don't know if it was the anemia, cancer, the breathing issues I am having due to the reaction to the Taxol but it wiped me out!  And it is a small bedroom/bathroom.  (Thank the Lord Sherry did the bathroom!) 

I came downstairs and lost it.  My house has not been clean since graduation, which I did not do that either.  Since I was diagnosed, I have either had surgery, been recovering or had chemo and my house is a 3200 square foot house with 5 kids.  I delegate and they clean (I have a chore chart and everything) but everyone woman reading this knows why I am frustrated.  I like to clean my house.  With my supplies, my hands, my hard work....it is my nest. Brother Chris (my pastor from home) used to say "You don't mess with the nest".  The smallest thing wipes me out.  My sister came in June and cleaned my downstairs floors......that is the last time they have been done besides what sweeping and stuff I can do or the kids do. 

So after I cried so hard I almost threw up, I called my friend and she is enlisting a maid.  Not a regular hire...but I figure with Joe traveling now and chemo still raging on....it is time.  I can't handle looking at anymore dust, dirt and un-mopped floors.  Joe can't do it all.  The kids are doing enough.  Treatment will go until January and I am NOT waiting until then for a clean house.  I know woman out there are nodding their heads....they hear me! 

Chemo Trial and error Monday

Monday, we had issues with my chemo port.  Before they can give you the actual steroid, anti-nausea drug, and chemo, they have to draw blood from your same chemo port they put the chemo in.  It really is a great thing in theory if everything works.  Which it did not Monday.  I am a bit squeamish and I don't know HOW my sister sat there and watched this whole thing but Monday, the nurse (God love that woman) inserted the small fish hook needle in my chemo port and could not get blood to back out.  She asked me to raise my arm up, shrug my shoulders, relax....but the blood would not come up through the needle.  At this point, I am nauseated and I have an audience.  (Three chairs face me with their visitors) 

Nurse Sweetie unhooks me and gets a longer fishhook needle, resprays (to numb me but it didn't work) and tries again.  This time she asks me to stand up, bend over, straighten back up, arch my back, shrug my shoulders, raise my arm up again and practically do the hokie pokie....all with a growing audience and growing nausea.  We have success, finally.... but by this time I am in tears.  Well, actually I am trying not to cry and if she would just quit talking to me or quit asking me questions (making me speak) I could get it under control.  I am really trying not to make eye contact with the family that is across from me who has been staring with fascination the whole time.  Trying not to throw up, trying not to punch the nurse and finally I lose it.  Yes, this is the "strong person" people keep referring to....I am not!   When  it comes to physical pain, I buckle under pretty quickly.  Blood is a deal breaker. 

This is real chemo.  I love when people pretend chemo just hums along.  It usually does but sometimes you get these off days and you really want to lie down and just sleep for two days.  I drove back to Houston.  I could not sleep-steroids....gotta love them.  (I know I am dripping sarcasm....it is how I cope) I love the fact that chemo kills cancer but I am not going to lie and say I love the chemo.  I am not brave, strong or inspiring on these days. 

To BHS Classmates of 86 and everyone else who helped with benefit

Dear Classmates and Friends,

To thank so many people would take me a decade so I thought I would take a moment to tell you how I got in this situation, how I am getting out and who helped me along the way.  I plan on sending this out with every thank you note that I can write but my fear is with the way people were throwing in cash or donating in secret, I am going to miss a lot of you.  I don’t want to miss thanking one person.    

Even after a mammogram last July and a physical in December, in May I discovered a lump.  It is a woman’s nightmare.  I didn’t waste time.  Some women wait weeks, hoping it will magically go away.  I waited less than 24 hours to see my doctor.  The alarm on his face was enough for me.  I knew it was cancer.  I knew that it didn’t matter that I had five kids, two dogs and a wonderful husband….it was still cancer.  And we didn’t know how bad it was.  That was the scary part.  After the biopsy, the surgeon used words like “aggressive and high grade” but that was all we knew.  The waiting came then.  Truly that part was agony.  I waited two weeks via test results, MRI, PET SCAN, and Lymph node dissection to find out what stage.  Was it in my bones?  Other organs?  My lymph nodes?  (It was not, Praise God!)

Did I mention my oldest son was trying to graduate high school during this time?  I was trying to hold it together for him but failing.  I lost it, pretty much.  Even my faith in God was shaky.  Luckily, my husband’s prayer and faith hung on for both of us until we found out the news.  It was Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, a “garden variety of breast cancer” but mine was triple negative as well and very aggressive.  So it would only respond to the most aggressive triple chemo treatment/surgery/ radiation.  This was a huge blow to our family. 

But at some point when you have five children (one of which we were in the middle of adopting before I was diagnosed) you have to get up and fight.  It is hard to fight when you don’t have the energy to make toast sometimes.  My husband had to work, so my oldest son completely took over.  At age 18, he took care of my challenging 6 year old, ran errands, babysat, and generally just became an adult.  The other kids took care of me.   

When you are sick you don’t take vacations, go to movies, etc.  Going out to eat is a struggle when you have no appetite.  The kids keep asking me “When will you be better, Mom?”  The answer is very soon.  These are small things you take for granted….it is has been a LONG summer for my kiddos.  lol

My high school friends realized that cancer strikes not only the checkbook but family routine too.  By the end of May, I was called by two or three of them.  I think I was stunned or really in denial at the time at the thought of a fundraiser.   People that know me know that it is hard for me to accept help of any sort.  But they were persistent and convincing, knowing that more surgeries, radiation, and family survival would surely come even after insurance did its part.   They were right.  Keeping family normal is probably the hardest part of cancer.  Thank you for helping us keep family important.  They were getting so lost in treatments and appointments that we haven’t even school shopped or bought backpacks for this year.  Just the small things but they add up. 

In the Bible there is a story of incredible odds that I have held on to.  It is the story of Elisha and his servant.  When it looks like they will be crushed by the enemy and overtaken and the servant is kind of freaking out, Elisha shows him the mighty power of God. 

2 Kings 6:15 When the servant of the man of God got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. “Oh no, my lord! What shall we do?” the servant asked.

16 “Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”  17 And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

That is how I feel with all of you around me….hills of horses and chariots of fire. The fight is still going on and will be but those who are with me are more than the enemy.  Thank you for surrounding me with protection and love.  Thank you for your help during this time of need and encouraging me when all I see is the enemy riding in toward me.   Joe and I can’t say enough about how much work and time went into the event.  Thank you again. 

In Christ,

CeCe Caldwell Benningfield

Time is precious

We were talking about time today at chemo since I had to wait 2 extra hours (long story).  Some people choose to make the most of the time they know they have left in that room.  (Not all are in there with stage 2 cancer like me) Some are opting out of treatment soon because they want the time they have with their families to be uninterrupted by what treatments bring.  (Side effects, making you sick sometimes, dr. appt). And we talked about our real "Time".  God knows your time from before you are even a thought or conception.  He knows when you will leave this earth.  Sadly, you choose where you will end up.  I hope you will not run out of time before you choose Jesus.  It may be limited time.  Or you may have 50 more years to think about it but you never know. 

A person can tell a lot about a person if you look at where they spend their time.  Do they bow at the alter of the tv and watch the world on the screen instead of their family?  Do they shop and spend money but no time with their kids?  Do they work 60 hours a week and then come home and expect all the kids they wanted to go away?  Do they curl up on the couch every day and sleep hours and hours instead of playing ball with their son?  These are all ways you can tell what you value.  By what you spend your time on.....your money too. 

My time is suddenly precious.  I am really tired and don't feel like doing much. But when I do I know I try to show the people around me that I love them.  I try to invest in things that matter.  I am human-there are things that distract me but I do make an effort.  I just know you can't store up treasures and things in this life.  All you can do is store up love in people and your relationship with the Lord.  That is the only thing you can take with you or leave that matters.  This weekend I was shown that putting time into loving a friend was important to a great deal of people and it surprised me and awed me.  Love does that.  Jesus does that.  He has a way of taking something small and making it something awe-inspiring. 

Don't listen to lies

Satan is a liar.  He prowls around like a thief in the night. He will tell you that you are not good enough, pretty enough, your marriage is not strong enough, you can't beat an illness.....but he is a liar.  That is what I keep telling myself.  And if you leave the door cracked open for him, he will either slide through it, sneaky like or just kick it in.  Lately, he had been kicking it in and I have been letting him.  It is hard to constantly go to God when you think you are strong enough to deal with some things on your own.  That is another lie.  You are not. 

Dear Lord,  Please give Satan the butt kicking he needs on my behalf.  I am quite tired in every sense of the word.  Amen.

Ok, there-I gave it over to God in short, sweet terms.  He knows my heart and He knows long- lengthy prayers are my way of stalling.....so I am just cutting to the chase on this one. 

Forgetting

There are days I forget I have cancer.  Like yesterday.  I felt normal.  Normal energy (until about one part of the day and then it hit me but we can ignore that).  Normal appetitite.  No nausea.  Still wanted to drink a gallon of ice cold water but I forgot I had cancer.  I forgot until I walked by a mirror.  Then I had an overwhelming urge to smash the mirror with a rock or a brick like in a movie.  Yep, still have it. 

Big Changes

Starting next week I will be the mother of five.  Sounds a little daunting, doesn't it. Going from 4 to 5 is kind of like jumping off a cliff with no parachute but that is how we roll around here.  Cancer, adoption, college.....we like to do it without a safety net-just Jesus.  Lol 

Weird encounter

I waited in line at customer service at HEB to exchange something with Ike and I hear this kind of creepy voice behind me.  "You go to MD Anderson?"
I ignored it because surely they are not talking to me.....I am at the grocery store. 
Again, the voice repeated the question.  "You go to MD Anderson?"

I turned around and a small woman was standing VERY close to my back and I said, "Excuse me?"
She repeated the question.  "You go to MD Anderson?"

 I wanted to say, "Lady I am NOT really having a hard time hearing you....I am trying to figure out if I have a big sign on my back that screams "I HAVE CANCER..PLEASE COME TALK TO ME ABOUT YOURS"

She fiddled with her odd wig and said, "I have a wig.  Like to wear it every day."  She is looking at my scarf. 

Ike at this point, is narrowing his blue eyes...he doesn't like her.  She is creeping him out.  I told her, "That is nice."  And I turned back around.  I am not feeling particularly friendly.  I am REALLY trying to be polite but I want to tell her "I am in HEB for goodness sake....go away."

She asked me if I had a wig and what stage I was.  Ike piped up.  "My mommy is shopping."  Lol  I wanted to kiss his buzz haircut!  I told her I had one, didn't prefer to wear it.  I turned around again.  This is A CLUE.

She keeps talking to me.  I have my back turned.  Very unChristian-like, I know.  Finally, I kind of give her the look.  You know the look.....the Caldwells have one that can bury you.  I told her "I hope you are blessed through your treatment but I do not have time to talk about mine."  I wasn't trying to be mean....really.  I just thought it was WEIRD.....weird, weird.....and kind of creepy. 

Paying bills

It is a 5 am and I can't sleep so I decided to pay bills.  We have enough to pay all of our bills which I am thankful for. Is it bad that I am ignoring the medical bills?  I kind of find that if I ignore them, they tend to change.  Insurance will pay it or something.....so they are sitting here.  It isn't like the total is that bad but I don't want to give them a dime that they don't need. 

Something to ponder

Beauty fades……so does all the wild nights with your girlfriends and chasing things that don’t matter. All the money you spend of fake eye lashes, fake body parts, blingy jeans, it looks good right now (I love it too) but really, when you are faced with a serious phone call from that particular doctor, it is pretty much a waste.   It is like flushing time or money down the toilet.

 I am not saying don’t enjoy it.  I am saying put it in perspective.  Weigh it.  Examine where you put your time and your money and your energy. 

Is it is your appearance?  Because that can be taken away in an instant or at least two chemo treatments.  Is it in your stock market or your bank account?  Money is like shifting sand.  You can’t stand on it for very long. 

Is it in your children?  Well, this sounds harsh-spend time with them and cherish them but they grow up and move away.  Don’t make them something you worship.  You better find something that is a little more substantial.  You even have to put your husband and children in perspective. 

If your eyes are not on God….He will make a way to get your attention.  He doesn’t have to beg for my attention anymore.  He has it. 

Chemo 4 side effects

Weird new side effects with Chemo 4.  I want to sleep (not new) all the time.  But I am thirsty all the time.  Like I could drink a gallon of water......or tea or whatever.  It started yesterday.  My mouth is very dry all the time.  They had warned me about this but it never started until now. 

But nausea has been kept at bay, pretty much.  I will take the weird small blessings where I can get them. 

On the kid side of things, Ikester has been having more meltdowns at night.  I think year round school is something he really needs.  (Not at my house, either)  He doesn't do well with off structure or off routine.  Tonight, I am moving back bedtime to 9 and we will see how that goes.  He has been allowed to stay up until 10 in summer and it has been backfiring on us.  (Because it turns into 11!)  My teacher friends will probably shoot me evil eyes for this but I am counting down days until school.  He NEEDS it.  I fear it will be a rough go at first for whoever has him.  Why can't we just clone Mrs. Geigley...she is the best teacher EVER!!!!!!!

Adoption Pending

Sherry comes on the weekends and now it is hard for her to leave on Sundays (for me and her both).  In my brain, I come up with all these elaborate schemes of why she doesn't have to go back....but I return her anyway.  It just feels natural that she is here.

We are getting her room ready.  Ribbon boards finished (they are a work in progress because I have no energy), shelf painted (check!), room rearranged, and school supplies bought. I am trying to find (online) two matching bedside tables that I can paint the same way I did the shelf and that way Cassidy and Sherry can have something beside their beds.  Joe has to hang curtain rods in her closet.  Whoever hung the rod hung it for a small child...and we have a teen!

Mailed off the affidavit to our lawyer-next step is finding $2000 to file for adoption.  The minute she moves in on August 1, it starts a 6 month clock ticking toward adoption if we have filed.  No wonder Joe is putting in for all kinds of trips/over time.   ha ha.  They will then start the home study.  Luckily this is a private adoption, so my cancer won't nix the adoption. 

Can't wait until she is here with us, for good.  We already think of her as our daughter and call her our oldest daughter....it's time to make it official!

 

Single Mom

I am about to embark on life as a single mom a lot in the coming months and go through chemo.  This was not actually the plan but it is an election year and this is what my husband does.  It is also means extra income.  Sherry's adoption and Tanner's college hit all at the same time so I told Joe sign up...for everything.  (I can't substitute this fall.  We have decided with surgery it will be too much.)  I am probably going to regret saying those words.  We got a calendar and x out days he was going to be potentially gone.....wow!  When will he be here? 

This kind of travel is normal for us on a normal time but I am not exactly normal right now.  Just hope nothing weird happens.  I finish my double whammy chemo Monday and then on to Taxol with a whole different set of side effects.  Hope fatigue and nausea get left behind? If I am doing this solo, I don't have time for it. 

Phone Call

I screen my phone calls.  Every day.  But a strange number has been calling our house for the last 3 nights asking for Joe and then when I say he is not available they just hang up. Today, they called and I asked “Who is speaking please?”  before I told them where he was or whatever.  It was the Breast Cancer Association and they said they were happy to talk to Joe or his “significant other”.  

Caller:  “Ma’am, we are calling on behalf of the Breast Cancer Association.  These women are suffering from..

Me:  I have breast cancer.

Caller:  I am so sorry but you know how difficult this time can be, if you could just donate some small amount…

Me:  Ma’am, one, I have no money, because we are fighting my breast cancer.  Two, I am on a no call list. 

Caller:  I appreciate your need.  But these women….

Me:  I AM THESE WOMEN……

I hung up.  I fully support the Breast Cancer Association but goodness….I am not in the position to give right now.  And DON’T tell me how these women feel!  Where are decent manners?  The MINUTE she heard the words, “I have breast cancer” that should have been a signal that the conversation was probably a done deal.

What is normal?

Most of the time, I wake up in the morning and I am fine.  Today was one of those days.  I didn’t automatically think, “I have cancer.” 

But last night was a different story.  I cried myself to sleep.  My emotions are still all over the places at very random times.  I can’t control them.  It usually happens at night.  Poor Joe, it is when he is present.  Happy homecoming, honey…I am crying again.   I find myself blaming myself for having cancer and putting our family through this trial.  I found myself apologizing to Joe for having cancer, like I can control that but I still feel like I brought it to the family.  He dismisses that comment, of course, but the burden is huge.  I feel like I am holding each member of my family under water and crying while I watch them struggle.  But in reality they are doing fine….I am the one that is not. 

People that talk to me say “I am so glad to hear you laugh again.”  Yeah, you just caught me on a good moment.  I am faking it.  Pretty much all the time.  The off and on again depression is to be expected.  My doctor said this is normal.  Normal doesn’t live here anymore. 

Ikester and pillow talk

Ikester had a rough night.  Long ago, I would lay down with him and just tell him stories.  Tonight was one of those nights when he needed major mommy time and I had energy to give it.  We had only a small lamp on and it was nice and comfy in that twin bed.  (I am telling you... I was hard pressed to stay awake!) He was super curious about my hair or lack there of....
Ike: Let me feel under that scarf. 
Me:  It is mighty prickly under there....are you sure you want to?
Ike: Yep....let me feel it. 
So he slid his hand under the side and started giggling. 
Ike:  You're right.  Is it growing back?
Me:  Don't know.
Ike:  Let me SEE it.  (This is huge because I haven't let anyone but my sister and Joe see my head)
I pulled the scarf off half way and  his eyes got really big.
 Ike:  OHHHHH.
Me:  thank you for not laughing.
Ike:  Would that hurt your feelings if I laughed?
Me:  Maybe
Ike:  Cause I really want to laugh......

We both busted out in giggles....how can you get mad at him?

School Supply Lists

Here is the list this year and this does not include my high schooler! This is not a cry for "help me with my school supplies".  I am a shopper all year long. Got it covered.  Oh, and don't get me started on the things that are not on the list-t-shirts for every event, PTO dues, club stuff, sports stuff.....the list would get too lengthy to read.

This is a shock and awe article.  Seriously......when I taught at Jane Long, a poorer school, most of this stuff was in the team budget because they knew kids could not afford contruction paper, hand soap, etc.  The kids brought basics.  Not post it notes, clorox wipes, expo markers, etc.  Look at this list.  I have 4 kids to buy for and we make decent money.  What about XYZ family that can not even buy for one kid?  You know what happens?  Half of my supplies goes in for the "community" use.  Times are tough.  Times are hard around the US right now....this is a shorter list than last year.  But goodness.  And to top it all off-teachers will end up spending half of their first month's salaries filling in for the supplies for the kids that don't bring anything.  UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  Lose, lose.  I have been on both sides of the fence.  Still chaps my hide.

4th Grade - Pre-Packaged Price $55.00

2  100 count facial tissue

1  Paper towel

2  Assorted pocket & brad folder

1  5" Fiskar sharp scissors

1  12x18 50 count bright white construction paper

1  9x12 50 count assorted construction paper

72  No. 2 wood pencil (latex free)

2  200 count wide rule filler paper

5  70 count spiral composition book wide rule

2  Pink bevel eraser (latex free)

1  2" assorted hardback vinyl binder

1  8 tab assorted index divider set

2  4oz Elmer's glue all

24  Pencil cap erasers (latex free)

2  Regular pencil sharpener with receptacle

2  Small (6 gram) Elmer's glue sticks

2  Crayola thick classic markers 8 count

1  Sharpie accent pen style highlighter yellow

1  8.5x11 zippered bag

1  50 count box reclosable sandwich bags

2  Expo black chisel tip erase marker

1  3x3 assorted post-it-notes 4/50 sheet pads

1  1/16" plastic ruler - 12" standard & metric

1  Clorox wipes 35 count - not for skin

1st Grade - Pre-Packaged Price $48.00

1  9x12 50 count assorted construction paper

4  16 count crayola crayons

2  9x12 50 count manila paper

2  100 count facial tissue

1  5" Fiskar blunt scissors

1  4oz. Elmer's glue all

24  No. 2 wood pencil (latex free)

1  1.5" white view vinyl binder

10  Small (6 gram) Elmer's glue sticks

1  Blue plastic pocket folder

1  Purple plastic pocket folder

1  Red plastic pocket folder

6  Magic rub eraser

2  Expo black fine tip dry erase markers

1  8oz waterless hand sanitizer with pump

1  12x18 50 count manila paper

1  12x18 50 count assorted construction paper

2  11x8.5-1/2" multi method tablet

1         70 count spiral composition book wide rule

7th grade

HONORS READING

1 ½ inch Binder

1 package 5 tab dividers

Notebook paper

Blue or black pen

MATH

1 ½ inch binder

Notebook paper

1 set of multi-colored pens

Pencil

1 set of 5 tab dividers

One subject spiral

SOCIAL STUDIES

Composition book

Erasers

Pencil

One shoe box

SCIENCE

2 Composition books

Pencil

2 pocket folder with brads

1 roll of paper towels

HONORS WRITING

1 ½ inch binder

1 package 5 tab dividers

Wide ruled notebook paper

Blue or black pen

Multi-colored pens

 

More Chemo #3 Praise

Chemo 3:  Bad news first-didn't go so well,  chemo port entry had some problems and from then on i was sick to my stomach until about 8:30 that night.  Ugh.  But after that I was fine.  Next day I was ok.  Still refusing to eat certain types of meat or foods. 

Good news:  When I got booster shot, Dr. Fleener snagged me and said she wanted to measure the tumor.  She said it was still shrinking at a rapid rate (great news).  I asked her if there was such a time when the tumor goes away completely and there is not a reason for surgery and she said still have it because they have to be certain there is not a tumor lurking.  After my chemo #4, she is going to recommend they "tag it" through a biopsy like gun like they used when I got my core biopsy so they can keep track of it even as it shrinks to nothing:)  Sometimes it moves and she doesn't want to lose track of it.  We are definately looking at lumpectomy-not the other!!!!!

She had a long talk with me about depression, because I have been crying a lot lately.   She assured me this is the "depression" dip.  The hair is gone, the feeling of ugly is there....it is normal and ok that I am feeling like this. So that made me feel better.  If it doesn't iron it out this month or so, she will talk to me about anti depressants but I told her I didn't think those were necessary.

Chemo 3

Don't know what was different but when the nurse stuck the needle into the "deadened" area for the chemo port, it hurt and it never really stopped hurting.  So I stayed nauseated the whole time blood was drawn and partly through the first half and part of the last.  It just felt like heartburn in one spot.  Weird.  Nothing was blocked.  Nothing was wrong.  My numbers are fabulous.  I mean so nothing was done improperly just felt like crap!  If I could have slept through it, I might have been better but I could not.

Praise has to be given, even though I feel like ick, my genetics test came back.  It was negitive.  Which means if the chemo keeps shrinking this tumor like it has been I am looking at a lumpectomy-not a more invasive procedure.

Flight or Fight

Ever feel like you have that need for escape?  I have that right now.  I get it from time to time.  I pace.  I grumble.  I pace some more. Usually when I get like this I tell Joe I need to take off to the farm or something and I take a couple of days off. Usually once or twice a year.  But since we are down to one vehicle and doing chemo that it is impossible, thus making me feel more trapped. 

My good attitude kind of took a turn a couple of days ago.  Something small set me back.  I am trying to turn it around again but it has really gotten me in a funk again.  I hate that we can not go on our vacation this year.  We didn't schedule it for money reasons and I am so glad we didn't try to do it now with the cancer crap but it would be nice to stick my toes in white sand and feel that wind come off the water. 

Money

I know I am NOT supposed to be worried about money but I am.  I am the one that does the bills.  I am the one that sends the checks (if we really write out real checks anymore) and I WORRY.   College, chemo, adoption, medical (they are all very slow to roll in but I know they are coming-like a thief in the night, they are coming sometime).....they  all worry me.  WORRRRRRRYYYY!  Joe is signing up for every assignment he can to get overtime so I know he is worried too. 

I have prayed and given it back to God.  I keep doing this.  So don't tell me to do that.  I am.  It just keep rearing it's ugly head. 

Happy Anniversary Joe!

If I was to tell you this love story, I could skip to the “And they lived happily ever after” but it bears telling….how a young prince captured a mature princess’s heart.  This is a real love story.

One night at a ball, the princess was tired of all the wanna –be-princes.  Some of them couldn’t even dance.  Pitiful, she thought. She spotted a tall prince in the corner and asked him to dance.  A daring move for a princess but she was determined. Besides she had been slaying dragons alone for quite some time, asking someone to dance was nothing.  The prince swept her off her feet and danced across the ballroom.  She was impressed.

The prince, of course, was devastatingly handsome but he was only 21, barely old enough for a crown so he wore a cowboy hat.  The princess had already been married once and had a young son of her own.  Her heart had to be mended and since she was a bit older than the prince, he pursued her valiantly and honorably.  In a simple wedding and without inviting much royalty at all, he married her in 9 swift months raising her son as his own. 

Their kingdoms were actually pretty poor in riches and jewels.  The prince and princess decided to have two more children, a son and daughter.  (Her kingdom duties were given up rather quickly.) He liked slaying dragons and arresting villains on pennies pay. So they decided to live as peasants and were happier that way.  They enjoyed their modest castle on the cul-de-sac with other children running amuck and decided never to leave Richland Court.   Sometimes they would look across the street at the pink flamingos in the lawn, basketballs and bikes all over the street and count their neighbors as their many blessings. 

One day, the princess presented a rather odd idea-to adopt a child from another kingdom.  The prince took this in stride in his usual loving nature and they added a son to their tiny castle.

From distance lands, another leader asked the prince to serve him and the family made the decision to leave their castle on Richland.  Bigger dragons and villains needed attention, the valiant prince took the position and sadly, they left their neighbors on Richland. It took several years but the prince and princess finally found a castle between Bravery and Fearless and made their home there.  They even decided to add another daughter to their family.   Even when the princess was accosted by nasty ninja warriors, the prince and the children surrounded her and fought them off….dragging them to their very doom. 

Still living on pennies and slaying dragons, the prince and princess grew their large family into a loving family.  The princess still smiles when she remembers the night she asked the handsome prince to dance.  Happy Anniversary Prince Charming.

Chemo education

Chemo is broken down into 2 parts.  I call it the intense round and the rough round.  The intense round is half way done!  Yeah....I only have 2 more to go.  July 2 and then one more.  It is a double whammy. Two chemo treatments in one, followed the next day by the white cell count booster shot.  Now before you say, "Oh....poor CeCe" ..... I chose this route. I could have done an easier route and dragged it out 4 or 6 more weeks and no booster but this was faster and more aggressive.  We all know how patient I am.  (Not) And I am like a bulldozer when I want something done, hence, the fast method.  But it is a kick butt treatment in theory.  Tumor is already shrinking. And my white blood cell count is stellar. 

The second half of this is Taxol.  Now Taxol is a "lighter" chemo.  (I find the word "light" kind of funny) But it's side effects are different.  So I am not sure how I will react to this.  It is shorter (takes 1 1/2 hours to take versus the 3 1/2 hours that my rounds take now).  But I could lose my toenails, eyelashes (I think I am already losing this!), eyebrows and still feel like crap.  This is for 12 rounds.  Sounds fun, huh?  Strange thing is I am looking forward to meeting Mr. Taxol. Just because I hear the fatigue is lighter.  We will see. 

This is just the chemo portion.  I haven't even tackled the surgery or radiation....can't go there yet.  Mostly because until we see how chemo shrinks the tumor, I don't know what kind of surgery I will have.  

What is thankful??? Do you know?

Six weeks ago I had NO understanding of the word “thankful”.  Oh sure, we like every other Christian and non-Christian family, threw the word around a lot, especially at the dinner table or when something went our way, but really I had no concept of what I really had until now. 

Six weeks ago, I was not thankful that I was in stellar health or that my kids were pretty healthy.  There is a broken arm here, trip to neurologist about migraines there but for the most part, my kids were healthy and so was I. 

Six weeks ago I would stare into the mirror and lament that my hair was not straight enough, dark enough, long enough, etc.  I didn’t not appreciate the fact that I had hair to begin with.

Six weeks ago, I was not particularly aware that I had the best husband I could have.  I knew he was wonderful, don’t get me wrong.  But we had never been truly tested (except for our adoption of Isaiah…that was a baby one though) and therefore I didn’t know how the man would stand up under pressure. 

Six weeks ago, I looked at our finances and grumbled.  Saw one credit card (under $500) and some minor bills and thought “Oh, we are in debt!”  I pretty much spent what we got and then felt bad afterwards.  We had enough to get by and I barely saw that as a blessing.

Six weeks ago, I never even thought about medical insurance.  We have pretty good insurance.  I never thought I would see one surgical bill (before insurance) hit $14,000 and that was without any other services or meds.  Staggering……insurance is like gold!

Six weeks ago I would not have believed you if you would have told me my teenage son would drop his summer to take care of my youngest and become an adult rather quickly.  I was clearly not thankful for the man he was about to become. 

But here we are six weeks later.  I have cancer.  It is treatable.  But it is still cancer.  My hair is gone.  The tumor is shrinking.  We keep getting these long, lengthy, itemized insurance pages, which are not bills but they warn you, “Hey we covered all of this….are you aware there are bills that will follow?”  My hair is gone.  My husband is rock steady. My five healthy kids are rallying around me like the Indians are running full speed at the wagon.  My oldest son has matured into a man of God right before my eyes.  My hair is still gone.  Did I mention this?  Still having a problem with this partJ  But I am thankful.  Thankful that God allows me to live when I don’t deserve it.  Thankful that I have all these things when I clearly don’t deserve them either.  Six weeks ago I was oblivious but not now. 

And by the way, I am in kick ass mode now……