An Ikester Funny

Ike:  (Yelling) Hey, Momma, you sick?
Me:  Why are you yelling? 
Ike:  Oops, sorry, I'm cited (excited).  Are you sick?"
Me:  No not today.
Ike:  Did you start Ninja medicine yet? (chemo)
Me:  No, I start Monday
Ike:  Is that your hair?  You need to comb it.  It's crazy.
Me:  Yep, its my hair
Ike: Doesn't look like your hair.  Let me feel
Me:  (Eye rolling) Ok...
Yanks hair
Ike:  Oh....its real.  Just checking.

Update:) Finally good news

It is strange that I consider this all good news because it is still cancer but you have to find blessings in the dark.  First of all, drain is out!  Yahoo.  I can dress like a normal person!  Secondly, report from surgeon and Dr. Erin goes like this-
1.  Dr. O took out 16 lymph nodes (all swollen and looked worrisome-this is where God came in because it should have been cancer!)-NO CANCER.  CLEAR.  Amen!  All three doctors were stunned.  Dr. Erin even called me on the way home and wanted to make sure I knew she verified this with pathology and two other doctors.  No wonder I felt like my arm had been ripped off and sewn back on again.  16!! 
2.  Petscan is CLEAR-NO CANCER.

Because there is some swelling in my right side from where the drain was, Dr. Erin wants to hold off on the chemo until Monday.  It might be draining fine but we may have to treat for an infection.  Either way I will start on Monday.  Every 2 weeks for 4 weeks and then every week until Oct. 15. 

Yeah.....even though I still have cancer, still going to lose my hair, still hating the diagnosis of cancer.  Stage 2 is a lot better odds than stage 3 or 4.  Whew.  Praise Jesus. Keep praying friends!!!

Getting Personal

When you face cancer, if you are lucky enough to have a great cancer clinic like I do, you start knowing people by name.  From the surgeon's nurse, Beth to the oncologist's billing lady, Nikki to the nurse in oncology-Jennifer.  They may not know you as well but you know them.  At large hospitals that is not always the case but I love Bryan because they call me to check on me, call me on the cell phone to give me messages, etc. In fact one radiologist who commuted from Tomball to Bryan every day, knew I was in a pinch for some mammogram films DROVE the films to me and met me at Target.  I am sorry.....that is small town living at its best and that is why I still feel called to go to Bryan. 

Yesterday, some preliminary pathology reports came in. Beth called from her personal cell phone and told me she begged Dr. Oswalt to let her call me and not let me wait until I saw Dr. Erin today to give me these results.  She explained them as she cried with joy.  I love her.  Sweet lady.  I kind of sat stunned because part of me isn't believing them until Dr. Erin backs it up with the PETSCAN results and says the same words today.  But Beth was pretty adamant.  I slept last night for the first time in 2 weeks.  Of course I took two adavan too so....I don't know which calmed me more.  I will let you know what Dr. Erin says.  Let's pray for good news.  No lymph nodes affected would be the best news and cancer contained would be great also;  no where else in the body. 

This week-BIG WEEK...Lots of prayers needed

I need prayers-plain and simple.  Tuesday, I have a PET SCAN-they are looking for any random cancer that might be lurking somewhere other than where we know of.  That is the first prayer request-that there is NONE. That it is contained. 
Wednesday-I get the drain out.  I am praying it isn't painful.  Ok, I have just had enough of being in pain.  Then I head over to Dr. Erin's office to get the results from the sentinal lymph node biopsy and the petscan....again the prayer is that the cancer is NOT anywhere else-no lymph nodes or anywhere.  If it is-limited.  But I am praying no where else.  This lowers my "stage" and raises my % of survival significantly.  I am usually not into odds and percents, being a writer but this time I am paying attention to the math. 

After the big meeting the original plan is I start chemo that afternoon.....to me that sounds like a lot in 24 hours.  I don't know about you-petscan, getting a drain removed, getting life altering results and then BAM start chemo....so yes, I will be on some heavy mood altering meds that day. If I see you and don't really know who you are-that is why. Joe is taking notes.  Anyway-pray for me.  PRAY HARD.  I am scared to death.  The closer Wed. comes the more it is closing in on me.  I am calmer than last week.  Calm is kind of scarier to me. 

Thank you for all of your love and support.  I am cherishing them.!

Friends

Cancer-there is ONE good thing about cancer.  You find out who your friends are really quick.  You also rediscover old ones.  Old flames, childhood playmates and high school friends were the first ones to call, write and message me.  It is weird in a way.  When bullets start flying your real friends either start riding in to save you, shoot along side you or stand with you.  There are ones that say, "I'll be your Huckleberry... or "Make my day" to the enemy for you. The ones you thought were your friends will disappear....

Thank you to the ones that not scared of the flying bullets:)  And the ones that come over and clean your toilets (Terry W!!!!).  I love you!!!!!

Tests will be in next Wed./Chemo

My surgery is done-put the chemo port in and lymph node biopsy was done.  Apparently, surgeon found a couple of swollen lymph nodes, so he took them out too which added a drain line to my day.  This was not the plan!  Dr. Erin was not happy.  Yesterday was ok except I was nauseated somewhat a sore.  I suspect they will find come cancer cells in the nodes.  Just a gut feeling.  Praying I am wrong.

Petscan/MRI will be done by next Tuesday.  On Wednesday (day kids get out of school early) I get my drain taken out, big discussion with Dr. Erin about all the results and lymph node diagnosis and then I go back for my first chemo treatment.  Welcome home kids!  Have a great summer! 

Joe is on the war path....Petscan just called us and gave us our out of pocket bill....ummmmm is insurance paying ANYTHING??????? 

Chemo plan

Ok, here is the good, bad and the wayyyy ugly!  I have to do 20 weeks or more (depending on what chemo plan we go with).  I am choosing for now to go with the every 2 weeks of chemo with a booster shot the day after for 8 weeks and then 12 weeks or more (give or take) of one week cycle of another chemo once a week.  That puts me stopping in late October?  Surgery in late October and then radiation. No more chemo after that.  Here are SPECIFIC prayers....1) the chemo and booster each week are ridiculously expensive each two weeks-please pray that we are covered by some type of cancer society coverage.  2)I am getting a lymph node test tomorrow w/my port insertion.  Pray NO LYMPH nodes are affected.  This is EVEN BIGGER THAN THE MONEY!!!!  Lymph nodes are the difference in stages and percentages in survival rates.  3) pray for my kids.  I will be driving four times a month to get treatment-I need coverage at the house while I go-that is 20 weeks.  That is a lot of help.  When we get back in school it isn't a problem but it is in the summer.  At least 16 trips in the summer alone.  Ikester will be sad.  4)  I am overwhelmed at the thought of NOT being a supermom for my kids.  When they get sick-like now I have two that don't feel good-I can't be the nurse with chemo going on.  I don't know how to be standoffish where it comes to my kids and taking care of them. 


This day ranks up there with the day from hell.....I hate cancer.  I hate it.  I had to be fitted for a wig.  So yeah-it SUCKED.  But I am shopping for blingy hats and scarves too.  That still sucked.  I hated being in the office with all the other cancer patients, I hated telling my daughter "you can't be sick today", I hated scheduling a Petscan and a MRI and my first chemo treatment during the week I am supposed to be celebrating my son's graduation and basically I would love to sleep until December.  Sorry-not the attitude I am supposed to have but I am PISSED OFF!!!!  Ok, I am through throwing a hissy fit now.  Sorry.  I will be an adult later.  I feel like throwing something like my 6 year old does and breaking things.  But I don't think I would feel better.  I would still have this stupid cancer.  Blah....

Appointment tomorrow

I am very anxiety ridden at this moment. Trying to stay off facebook, email, etc.  I have been prepping my parents for take over of the kids which in turn is totally freaking kid #2 out.  He said, "It MUST be bad if you are calling in reinforcements!"  I just explained that these two appointments happened to be ill planned (early in the morning) and that means someone else has to get them off to school.  He looked at me like he didn't buy it:)  I guess my main fear is to hear anything earth shattering tomorrow.  Anything off the charts that i didn't know.  Every time I get a call or news from the doctors it is more bad stuff so I am bracing myself and in doing that I am physically making myself sick to my stomach.  Like I want to hurl...now.  Just pray I hear no BAD news tomorrow and by golly maybe even some good news.  SOMETHING good would be nice.  I can't take much more negitive.  I am by nature a silver lining kind of gal. 

Waking

Every morning since I have been diagnosed, there is a few seconds after a wake up where I am stretching and yawning and don't think about the big C.  About 2 actually before I realize, "Yep...still have cancer."  I told my sister last night it has kind of been my joke to myself each morning.  "Still there"  or "Yeah....still got it."  Although I know it is not funny.  It stinks that has become my first thoughts of the morning. 

Singing

I have always sang my kids to sleep.  I don't really read to them at bedtime.  I know-an English teacher and an author and I don't read at night-go figure but I hate it.  I would rather read to them during the day.  But I sing when they are little.  We have a "set".  I love you (Barney song), Mommy song (my song to Ikester), All the Pretty Horses (Cassadoodle's favorite), Take Me Out to the Ballgame (Hey, we have athletes in the house), Jesus Loves Me, Deep and Wide, I have Decided, and a few more.  When they are little or sick, I sing. Ikester wanted me to sing last night.  I guess he sensed something was going on. 

I started singing.  It was dark.  My middle kid was pretending to text his best friend on the couch across from the bed.  I saw him duck his head and sniff a few times. I kept singing.  Middle kiddo left the room. Ikester fell asleep smiling. (This is a rarity...bedtime is usually a long process with this kid!)  When I went downstairs Middle kiddo was crying. He said, "Will you still be able to do that when you are sick?"  I assured him but my heart was ripped out at that point.  These are the questions I hate.  I can deal with ME being sick.  I hate what this is starting to do to THEM.  Makes me want to hit something!

Schedule

Prom is Saturday.  (Tanner's) I have to be normal.  Really normal.  But I don't feel normal.
Monday, I meet with the oncologist, Dr. Erin Fleener (sister is going with me because Joe is flying back at that point) in Bryan and then preregister with the Med that afternoon. Tuesday I will be at the Med putting a port in so they can administer chemo easier.  Joe will go with me to that.  I am guessing we will start chemo next week unless the oncologist changes the game plan when I meet on Monday.  Then nothing will be normal again. 

Diagnosis is in....

I am a huge wreck at this point.  It is invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC)-high risk.  No stage has been given, although the dr. said if he was guessing (without testing my lymph nodes) it would be AT2 and stage 1b or 2a but the high risk part kind of bounces that out of the park.  His recommendation is two part-1) no surgery yet.  (I am devestated at this....I was hoping to get this poison out yesterday!!!) He wants me to see an oncologist and start Pre Op Chemotherapy ASAP for the next 3-4 months, probably every 3/4 weeks.  On Tuesday, his plan is to put a line in so they can just intravent. put the chemo in  2) Surgery after that.  Then more chemo/radiation.  I asked if mastectomy would just allieviate this danger and he said no-tumor is too big right now. I need pre op chemo to shrink and then hopefully we can do a lumpectomy. 

They are trying to find me an oncologist in College Station as we speak.  I don't want MD Anderson, as wonderful as they are.  I want to be home with my hometown people.  Sounds weird, I know but if I have to walk through hell might as well be with Aggies.  Sorry but that is how  I feel , at least initially.  I have NO idea how this is going to get paid for.  We have exactly $50 in my checking account and that is not going to change.  Seriously, this will wreck us financially. 

I am not ready to lose my hair or be sick.  I am not ready for this.....at this time I am crying and stamping my feet but I guess I better get ready because it's coming.

First Strike

I am waiting on my diagnosis...they were supposed to call an hour and half ago.  I am not a patient person.  (God is laughing out loud on that one because that is an understatement! I am RIDICULOUSLY impatient!  One of my kids, who will remained unnamed is JUST like me!) So strike first against the enemy, I cut my hair (Amanda did it-I am not stupid!).  Short.  Not terribly short.  I figured I would most likely have chemo at some point so I better get used to it shortER.  Amanda almost cried when she cut three inches of it off, but it gave me determination.  I almost told her to go shorter but I wasn't super crazy on that idea yet. 

Striking first is important, I hear.  Ask any Marine....

No Man's Land

I told my friend, DiAnn, ,there is a scene in War Horse that I loved (as sad as the scene was, I loved it).  The horse, War Horse, was running wild between the British and German trenches, confused, dazed and crazy with bewilderment but he was running full speed for something....anything.  That is how I feel right now.  Like I am running full speed in No Man's Land between good and evil.  I know God is with me.  I get that.  But right now I am still running like that crazy horse with no sense of direction.  I don't think I will find it until a doctor has real words for me. A diagnosis.  A treatment plan.  You know me....I like schedules, plans, dates, something tangible.  Nothing is tangible right now.  Doctors throw out words like "high grade" and "aggressive" and expect me to sit with that.  But instead I take off like that War Horse. 

I have decided to collect scriptures/quotes to take with me to the hospital or to treatment.  If you would like to leave one here on my blog, please do and write your name under it.  I will print them out and take them with me.  Your words are the only ones I am hearing now.  The doctors sure aren't saying a dang thing.

Day One-Cancer

Sunday a week ago, I found a lump in one side, while changing clothes.  To make a long story short-by the end of the week, I had a mammogram, sonogram, ultrasound and an appointment with a surgeon within 4 days.  The surgeon did a core biopsy.  Actually 5 of them and sent them off.  The tumor is about 3 cm. in size.  He said it was “worrisome”.  I knew he was worried.  Yesterday, Monday, Joe and I met with the surgeon, Dr. Oswalt who had partial pathology results back.  The one thing we know is that it is cancer.  For sure.  Pathology is sending the biopsy off somewhere else to get more testing to see exactly what kind of cancer, what grade, type, stage and what treatment is necessary.  If it is exclusively breast cancer, my options are surgery (two different kinds/options) on next Tuesday.  If it is not contained…..we have a whole other course of treatment to follow.  I will probably do the surgery there in College Station because I trust my surgeon and then do treatments here in Cypress or MD Anderson. 

Emotionally, I am a wreck.  I feel like I have been given a death sentence.  No matter what people tell me I feel like that.  Either in the realistic way or the figurative way…it feels like that.  My youth and beauty (what I have left at age 43) will be gone-stolen or my very life by something spreading through me.  So it is a hard for me to pray right now.  It is hard for me to be thankful or to quote scriptures or any of that.  Although I know God loves me and has a plan…still hard for me to hear it when I am walking through the fire.  Frankly, I am a little pissed off.  On the other hand, Joe had to tell our kids.  I watched each one of them handle it differently.  The oldest kind doesn’t display emotion. My daughter was instantly the little mother hen.  My middle one was all over the place-wanting to know if I was going to die, will I be different, will I be able to be normal….all things I can’t answer yet.  The youngest doesn’t know anything is going on and brings me airplanes and asks how to bomb stuff-normal stuff.   I stayed up until about 11 trying to reassure my middle kid that I was not going to die.  I was calm, eerily so.  Totally not what I have been all day yesterday. 

If you are around the kids-please treat them normally-don’t bring me or my health up unless they do.  I want them to have school and sports as a normal zone.  My middle one could not face school today. 

I find out Thursday or Friday the rest of the results.  I am praying for stage 0 or 1 but as large as the tumor is I know that is unlikely.  I am praying that is contained.  Funny, just this weekend I was praying that it was NOT breast cancer and not I am praying that is JUST breast cancer. 

(I am not trying to be hateful with this next part but here it goes….)There are people out there that will criticize me for saying what I feel online or in writing….I don’t care.  You know I don’t censor writing. I am a transparent person by nature. If you would like to trade places-by all means take my place and then you can be noble and try being silent.  Cancer is NOT silent.    I will come out swinging as soon as we know what we are dealing with exactly but for now I am in no man’s land….so lost.    I am worried about leaving my 4 kids without a mother.  I am worried about Joe.  I am worried about being less of myself after treatment.  I am worried about affording all the treatment and I am worrying about the enemy winning.   I am fighting the urge to drive to the nearest beach and plant myself in the sand for a few weeks.  Maybe sleep for a month but cancer will still be there when I wake up.