I am a bit blue tonight, thinking about Christmas. Unspoken concerns go with holidays for cancer patients. I asked my doctor why Thanksgiving was so hard on me? I practically cried through the whole thing. (Of course no one knew because I am the great pretender and I did it privately) I didn't understand. She explained (and honestly) that EVERY holiday is hard on a cancer patient. There are expectations for you to forget, to play nice, to be cheerful, etc. and there is the unknown. She says almost 99% of her patients hit walls when it comes to Thanksgiving and Christmas and other significant birthdays. I guess I agree with her.
I look at Christmas and lament over what I could have done better. What will the kids remember from THIS Christmas? Is it Jesus? Is it that I gave one kid more presents than the other by mistake? And yes, the expectations thing…..it is so there. I know my kids expect me to act like I don't have cancer. I know my husband really likes the whole Pollyanna thing. I really feel like sleeping all the time. Yes, I know this is a sign of depression. Just throwing it out there.
One huge blessing is Josh. A long time ago I was a parent to a young man that lived in my home for a short time. I loved him but I always felt like I failed him. He left and lived his life. All of the kids I saw in my classroom, I tried to pour out love to them because of Josh. I could not contain sobs of joy as I he sat with my other 5 kids last Sunday and Christmas Eve. I feel like God is telling me "See, I turn all things to good, with or without your efforts." Josh is a huge comfort today.
Thank you God for giving me the gift of your Son. Thank you for my 5 kids and wonderful husband. I choose Joy even when I have nights like this . Happy Birthday Savior of mine!
