Christmas

I am a bit blue tonight, thinking about Christmas.  Unspoken concerns go with holidays for cancer patients.  I asked my doctor why Thanksgiving was so hard on me?  I practically cried through the whole thing. (Of course no one knew because I am the great pretender and I did it privately)  I didn't understand.  She explained (and honestly) that EVERY holiday  is hard on a cancer patient.  There are expectations for you to forget, to play nice, to be cheerful, etc.  and there is the unknown. She says almost 99% of her patients hit walls when it comes to Thanksgiving and Christmas and other significant birthdays.  I guess I agree with her.

I look at Christmas and lament over what I could have done better.  What will the kids remember from THIS Christmas?  Is it Jesus?  Is it that I gave one kid more presents than the other by mistake? And yes, the expectations thing…..it is so there. I know my kids expect me to act like I don't have cancer.  I know my husband really likes the whole Pollyanna thing.  I really feel like sleeping all the time.  Yes, I know this is a sign of depression. Just throwing it out there.

One huge blessing is Josh.  A long time ago I was a parent to a young man that lived in my home for a short time. I loved him but I always felt like I failed him. He left and lived his life. All of the kids I saw in my classroom, I tried to pour out love to them because of Josh. I could not contain sobs of joy as I he sat with my other 5 kids last Sunday and Christmas Eve.  I feel like God is telling me "See, I turn all things to good, with or without your efforts."  Josh is a huge comfort today.

Thank you God for giving me the gift of your Son.  Thank you for my 5 kids and wonderful husband.  I choose Joy even when I have nights like this .  Happy Birthday Savior of mine!