Side Effects Bite

I write this entry to purely educate people.  If you know someone who is undergoing treatment for cancer they may mention a bizarre side effect called Hand and Foot Syndrome?  Much like no chemo is the same, the side effects are vastly different as well. One of the side effects that go with my kind of chemo is Hand and Foot Syndrome.  (Not Hand and Foot Disease-very different.  Kids commonly catch Hand and Foot disease.) 

Hand and Foot Syndrome causes red, peeling and a burned like appearance/feeling on the palms of hands and soles of your feet. The oncologist said all humans have layers of skin and the fibers that hold layers 1,2,3. This kind of chemo get erodes or loosens the fibers. I take Xeloda (7-8 pills a day).  Fatigue worsens with second week as well.  But tolerable. 

I am on a 3 week cycle of Xeloda. First week-not bad.  Second week-gets worse.  Third week, I am off Xeloda but the side effects peak at this point.  Right now I am mid-third week.  The drug accumulates in my system.  Even though I am considered “mild to moderate” with the side effects, this weekend is the worst I have encountered.

Currently, my palms and soles feel like I have second degree burns.  I am hobbling or tenderly limping.  Even though it feels so much better to do so, I can’t go barefooted.  Your skin sticks to things (like the bottom of the shower or tile grout) and can crack, peel off or blister.  I have trouble doing the following with my hands-washing dishes (anything hot), holding/gripping things, twisting ANYTHING, write with a pen (I can do it but it hurts) putting my shoes on or anything that causes me to challenge the dexterity.  Even holding a book in one position for very long makes my skin hurt.  Basically the skin is super tight, like skin that has healed from a burn. Almost a plastic look to it.  I can not stretch my fingers out all the way or make a closed fist.  

Walking around the block would immediately result in cracks (deep ones that bleed) or blisters.  By the way, NOTHING works.  I have tried at least 8 to 10 different balms, lotions, oils, etc.  The only thing that has improved is I am not peeling much.  I religiously use Vitamin E oil and am convinced this is the only thing that has lessened peeling. The pain, redness, burned feeling is still present.  Don’t pitch me a cure-heard it all, seen it or tried it.  Not helping.

I don’t tell you this to incite pity.  Quite the opposite.  I just want to explain why I look “normal” but I am not feeling normal.  Because I am not losing my hair with this type of treatment, it misleads friends and family.  Believe me when I tell you that I am still very much dealing with side effects-you just can’t see them.  Today I lost in it in the church bathroom (right in front of a dear friend and my daughter who happened to walk in….ugh!) because I was in a lot of pain.  

My husband and I joke that I am the great pretender.  I haul butt across Waller County about 50-60 miles or more a day, running kids to practices, goats, games, etc. but then I collapse into a wailing puddle behind closed doors. (And no, until they put my body in the ground I am not slowing down. It doesn’t help the side effects anyway.)  It isn’t every day but often.  Today was one of those days- the wailing puddle part. 

Part of dealing with cancer is physical limitation.  I am limited in many ways right now.  I shudder to use the word-handicapped. But I will be danged if I’m going to stay in bed all day or miss a baseball/soccer game with my kid.  I am not going to miss watching them make their show goats drag tires, or helping them with their homework or a project.  I am not going to stop making costumes or bake cupcakes.  When you stop-you stop living.  When my heart stops beating,I will stop.

The Truth

Spring 2014

Dear Family and Friends,

I’ve been putting off writing this letter for years.  First, it was fear of rejection or gossip and then it was the old “I don’t have time.” mantra.  Now time is an issue.  While I have time, there are things I want you to know, since you are the people I care most about.  Cancer gives you a mortality check daily. Unless there is an absolute cure or God completely takes this from me, my trip to Heaven will be sooner than I had planned.  That is ok.  I am ready for whatever God brings to me.  John 14:2 In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.

You might wonder, “CeCe, why are you writing this?  You have cancer, how could you possible believe in a good God?”  Well, I don’t have all the answers about WHY I have cancer but I do know this world-with its brokenness, tragedies and illnesses are not what God designed.  He made our world perfect.  No illnesses, no accidents, and no heart ache.  But Adam and Eve broke that relationship.  Therefore, our perfect world was changed when they were cast out of Eden. 

Even with my salvation, I still have to stand before God and answer when He asks me “Why didn’t you speak My Name?”  My worst fear is for Him to point to all these people I could have witnessed to and didn’t because I was a coward. So this is me, making a sweeping attempt at rectifying that.  I don’t want to get to heaven and look around and miss you standing there because no one was bold enough to tell you the truth.  

Here it is…the truth. Society and culture will tell you this is wrong. It isn’t politically correct.  But Jesus is the ONE and only true God and the ONLY path to Heaven.  Period.  No New Age stuff, no Buddha, no Allah, etc.  Just Jesus. 

His love is free. You can’t “earn it” or buy it or just be a “good person”. He offers it to anyone. No matter what you have done, said, accomplished, saved, or stored up in life, He offers it to you.  Drugs, alcohol, abuse, divorce, depression, illness, tragedy….there is nothing he can not forgive and there isn’t a greater love in the world than Jesus.  Once you make that decision-you are sealed.  Nothing you do will unseal the Holy Spirit from your heart. You are His beloved.  And it is the winning team. Love always conquers. Love never fails.  We do though.  We fail, fall and fill ourselves with things of this world that won’t help us in the long run. 

Being a good person is not enough. I know a lot of people that are almost saints in my eyes. But they haven’t given their heart to the Lord. Sadly, I know many evil people, and they haven’t given their heart to the Lord either. The end result will be the same-when those people die on this earth, they will not be in Heaven.  It is not enough to know God exists either-James 2:19 … Even the demons believe—and shudder.

So how do you get this Jesus I am talking about? It is simple. It is painless. If you are ready….You ask Jesus (no fancy words needed) that He accept you, the sinner, and forgive you of your sins.  We all sin.  Big sins, little sins…doesn’t matter.  When I asked the Lord to forgive mine I tried to list them.  (The ones I knew about) They were about a mile long. You ask Him to be YOUR Savior.  That is it.  You are promised the same promise I have.  Heaven and a God that fights for you. 

Romans 3:23 all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God;

Be warned.  When you accept Jesus, you have gained a Savior and gained an enemy. Satan is a very real enemy.  He will tell you over and over that your salvation is not enough, don’t bother telling anyone about Jesus, you will never be good enough to get into heaven….etc. He is the prince of liars. 

 1 Peter 5:8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But just the name of Jesus can send Satan running. Like I said, Jesus is the winning team.

Writing this puts me in a vulnerable place.  If you are already saved, then I love you and I am so glad you have the Good News about Him. 

If you are not saved yet, you might really resent this letter.  You might even want to tell me so.  That is ok.  I can take the heat. I’m no longer scared to stand for the name of Jesus.

 If this letter offends you, I am sorry it does. Ask yourself why it really offends?  Truth usually has a way of doing that. I can’t argue you to the Cross. But again, I would rather say these words now than look around in heaven and realize you are not going to be there with me, one day. 

Part of loving Jesus is stepping out on faith and going to people to tell them that no one is left out of this promise if they want the Savior.  

In a few months it will be Easter. Easter is a time to realize it isn't about Egg hunts (which I still love to do for the kids), candy and pretty pastel dresses. It is about Jesus crucified on a cross for your sins and mine.  He rose after being sealed in a tomb. The tomb was open.  Jesus lives.  One day He will come again.  In the meantime, His salvation is yours for the taking. I love you enough to tell you about Him. Earth was never meant to be all there was for us-it is temporary.  Heaven is our home.

In Christ,

CeCe