Joy

For the most part if I wasn't taking chemo you wouldn't know I had cancer.  I am very thankful for that.  VERY thankful. I have hair, I look normal (still working on the weight I put on with the meds for 2 years), I feel decent and life is moving along.  Fast. The kids have really forgotten that I am still in the trenches.  That is alright.  Let them have a life.  I don't want them to worry about me all the time.  I wish my husband didn't have to either.

People ask me all the time how I am doing.  I am ok.  I have lots of things to be thankful for.  I make lists mentally or write them down.

One thing that has hit me sideways....is when I hear friends of mine are cured/in remission.  (And don't tiptoe around me and not tell me. It is something I have to deal with and get over.) On one hand, I am overjoyed because those words are so hard to get.  I know.  I rejoice over their news.  On the other hand, I try to hold back tears of "Why NOT me, God?" I look at my kids and husband and want so badly to say those words "I am cancer free" and mean it.  Why can't they do the victory dance around the kitchen with great news? Is that normal?  Shouldn't I just be happy for them and not think about my health?

For less than three months, I got to be treatment free. From March until June 2013.  It was a time of growing energy. I actually walked around the block, cleaned my house, weeded flower beds, soaked up sunshine at the baseball fields and felt normal. This doesn't sound glamorous. But it is a beautiful thing when you sleep without help from a pharmacy or when you have enough energy to go up and down the stairs without taking breaks.  It is a blessing when you can drink a glass of wine without worrying "How will this effect my chemo meds?".

In the meantime, what helps? My kids and husband's patience helps. My Bible study group helps. Counseling helps. Sunshine helps. Reading the Bible really helps.

Jesus will heal me.  I just have to wait. Victory dance is coming.