Life on Hold

Joe and I had a "date" in two nights ago.  We haven't been able to have a conversation since the beach. We put the kids to bed, locked the door and just talked about serious stuff and insanely goofy things.  (It is almost impossible for me to have a serious conversation without busting out some type of giggle fest.

One of my more serious questions was-How much of life do we put on hold?  We recently made the decision to not move if he gets the opportunity in this stage of my cancer.  I can't tell you HOW much I hate this idea. But I know Joe is right.

So how much more of our life do we put on hold or cancel? I don't feel sick right now  AT ALL.  I have some fatigue but nothing like I did last summer.  I am of the mindset that we just keep living life. But there are some things that take planning. I don't know how much to plan or not plan.

If you know me, the NOT knowing part of this kills me.  I am a planner by nature. Do I not plan vacations, Christmas, trips? I don't know.  I feel like I am waiting...but waiting for what?  Death, a cure, a symptom, a doctor to give me an itinerary of my cancer journey?  What exactly am I waiting on?

How do you plan?

I am reading this book called One Thousand Gifts.  It has changed my perspective on life, pretty much. I am just blessed to have one day-let alone more.  But one thing I kind of struggle with is how do you plan things?  I mean, do you plan things as if you don't have Stage 4 and just assume you will be well enough to go and do?  Some people say "Take one day at a time" and others say "Just live life like you don't have cancer."  Well, that is all fine and good if it is just one person involved.  But I have a family of 7.  Five kids and two adults.  So I can't just twiddle my thumbs and not plan anything.

Anyway, I am kind of stuck on that....do you plan or not plan?

Day 2

Day 2:

We usually have a system for the beach.  Go play at beach, shower off outside, and go to pool to make sure all the sand is off.  Then come back inside, take suit off INSIDE shower (sand is yucky in a house) and chill.  Repeat in a couple of hours until they drop in a bed.  I kind of have to stay on them.  Tanner sneaks out to the beach at odd times.  The rule is he leaves a note (where and who he might take with him).  Otherwise, he is grown-goodbye and have fun.  Usually someone tags along with him.  But I give freedom to my kids over 12 on the beach.  If they are younger than Tanner they have to have a buddy with them at all times.  Ike is not allowed out at the beach or pool without me, Joe or Tanner. I would probably count Sherry in that too.  

Cassidy and I usually sneak down to the beach early in the morning to hunt for shells.  Precious time.  Today she went with Joe.  I am slightly miffed.  Just kidding.  I slept until Joe made a huge noise in the kitchen.  

The beach was literally covered with tiny shells this morning.  Almost painful to walk across them.  They were beautiful just not nice to our feet.  It will be different tomorrow.  Everyday the beach looks different for some reason.  

The boys are plotting to rent a Kayak.  If you had asked me about this two years ago, I would have said it was too dangerous.  But now, I am very relaxed about it.  Just limiting them to the bay area-not ocean.  Tanner is a strong swimmer. The rest are “good” swimmers but I don’t know about strong.  I am still protective enough to insist on life jackets.  And sunscreen...always sunscreen.  (Not mentioning who did not put any on yesterday.....hmmmm)

Day One of Vacation

Adventures on our family trip...Day 1

As we are flying out of Houston and reach high altitude...this is the world according to Ikester.

Ike:  Daddy, is this heaven?  (Looking out of the window) He looked mighty disappointed.  

Five minutes later he drops something on the floor, Joe suggests that he take off his seatbelt and get it. 

Ike:  Are you nuts?  I’m NOT getting sucked out of this plane!

Looking out of the window, Ike:  Where are we going to land?  All I see is water! 

I took Ike to bathroom and yes, I have to stand in the tiny bathroom stall on the plane with him (I am slightly claustrophobic).  The only way I can stand is facing the door with my face practically pressed up against the door.  We hit turbulence (this does not concern Ike at all) and I grab his shirt (from behind my back).  Ike:  What are you doing?  You can’t help me!”  (Like I wanted to “hold it” or something.....ewwww) The door opens and the flight attendant is cracking up. 

A God thing....I met a lovely young woman named Barbara.  She and I chatted for the last 15 minutes of a very bumpy flight.  She talked about how she worked as a flight attendant for 10 years and now she works for Disney.  Barbara confessed that she had a fear of flying all of a sudden-she guessed it was because she had 2 kids now and a lot to live for.  I told her I had no fear now.  I had Stage Four Cancer-a lot to live for... in a bigger way.  At the end of the plane ride, before we got our baggage, she ran up to me and put a phone number in my hand.  “If you call me Mon-Wed. I will get your entire family in for free to Disney Land.”  She winked at me and said, “I learned a lot about life from you today.” I really liked her.  Don’t think I will go to Disney Land-not because I don’t want my kids to go there but because I have this wheezing in my left lung.  It reminds me I might not be a great Disney traveler. I hope I see her again one day.

Waiting for the rental car, it was early Sunday morning and no one was in the rental place.  A disclaimer needed-we were bored.  Sherry entertained us by turning graceful cart wheels in the long carpeted waiting room.  This was followed by half-round offs by Ethan and round off/flips by Ike with Cassidy and Tanner shaking their heads in embarrassment. Ok, I admit, this does not usually depict great parenting but Joe was taking a LONG time to check out the van.  Ike was on “no meds” and we were about to “dial up the crazy” sooooo when bored let them to cartwheels in front of strangers.

In the car toward beach, the kids are telling jokes.  Sherry must have said something about Helen Keller to which Ethan said, “Awww. Don’t talk about Helen Keller-that’s just wrong.”   Tanner said, “Why? It isn’t like she can hear you!”  Peels of laughter rip through the car:)

In Wendy’s at our lunch pit stop-I realized I was a bit stressed when I took Ike’s ADHD meds by mistake.  More laughter followed this mishap, but somehow I’m rather chilled out.  (Imagine Crush on the movie Nemo....not quite that chill but close.)

Driving to the condo, it looked like something out of a tropical paradise.  Very different than Navarre or Orange Beach (Alabama).  Lots of jungle type flowers, trees, and green....so beautiful.  The sand is called “black sand” and is also different than our other trips to Florida.  The sea is pea green and clear.  I think a storm is approaching.  We’ll see how long it lasts.  

 All of us were on about 4 hours of sleep or less so I am not sure how we had so much energy but the kids took off for the beach as soon as we got there. I had time to spray some of them down as they flew to the sand. I could almost hear them curse my wielding of the sunscreen.  Too bad.  Our second boogie board broke in Ethan’s face as he caught a great wave.  I think it was damaged on the flight.  (Joe replaced it during his trip to get groceries) Ike got more daring as we spent more time there and finally ventured into about chest deep water.  I had to show him where the “Do not disturb” areas where for turtle nests.  They are taped off like police tape.  Locals informed me that flashlights are not permitted at night because the turtles come up, lay eggs and then return to sea in the morning.  Guess I will be asked to go to the shore in the morning to find turtles fleeing their nests.  Hope they have been Ike-proofed.

Currently, it is 4 pm and three of the kids are passed out.  NOT Ike though.  He is prowling around looking for sweets.  (I am hiding the oreos) Ethan has retreated to my bed and is talking about baseball in his sleep.  Haha  “I’m on deck. Where are my batting gloves?” Yes, these are things I am laughing at as I type.  My boy would play baseball all year round and all day if he could.