More Chemo #3 Praise

Chemo 3:  Bad news first-didn't go so well,  chemo port entry had some problems and from then on i was sick to my stomach until about 8:30 that night.  Ugh.  But after that I was fine.  Next day I was ok.  Still refusing to eat certain types of meat or foods. 

Good news:  When I got booster shot, Dr. Fleener snagged me and said she wanted to measure the tumor.  She said it was still shrinking at a rapid rate (great news).  I asked her if there was such a time when the tumor goes away completely and there is not a reason for surgery and she said still have it because they have to be certain there is not a tumor lurking.  After my chemo #4, she is going to recommend they "tag it" through a biopsy like gun like they used when I got my core biopsy so they can keep track of it even as it shrinks to nothing:)  Sometimes it moves and she doesn't want to lose track of it.  We are definately looking at lumpectomy-not the other!!!!!

She had a long talk with me about depression, because I have been crying a lot lately.   She assured me this is the "depression" dip.  The hair is gone, the feeling of ugly is there....it is normal and ok that I am feeling like this. So that made me feel better.  If it doesn't iron it out this month or so, she will talk to me about anti depressants but I told her I didn't think those were necessary.

Chemo 3

Don't know what was different but when the nurse stuck the needle into the "deadened" area for the chemo port, it hurt and it never really stopped hurting.  So I stayed nauseated the whole time blood was drawn and partly through the first half and part of the last.  It just felt like heartburn in one spot.  Weird.  Nothing was blocked.  Nothing was wrong.  My numbers are fabulous.  I mean so nothing was done improperly just felt like crap!  If I could have slept through it, I might have been better but I could not.

Praise has to be given, even though I feel like ick, my genetics test came back.  It was negitive.  Which means if the chemo keeps shrinking this tumor like it has been I am looking at a lumpectomy-not a more invasive procedure.

Flight or Fight

Ever feel like you have that need for escape?  I have that right now.  I get it from time to time.  I pace.  I grumble.  I pace some more. Usually when I get like this I tell Joe I need to take off to the farm or something and I take a couple of days off. Usually once or twice a year.  But since we are down to one vehicle and doing chemo that it is impossible, thus making me feel more trapped. 

My good attitude kind of took a turn a couple of days ago.  Something small set me back.  I am trying to turn it around again but it has really gotten me in a funk again.  I hate that we can not go on our vacation this year.  We didn't schedule it for money reasons and I am so glad we didn't try to do it now with the cancer crap but it would be nice to stick my toes in white sand and feel that wind come off the water. 

Money

I know I am NOT supposed to be worried about money but I am.  I am the one that does the bills.  I am the one that sends the checks (if we really write out real checks anymore) and I WORRY.   College, chemo, adoption, medical (they are all very slow to roll in but I know they are coming-like a thief in the night, they are coming sometime).....they  all worry me.  WORRRRRRRYYYY!  Joe is signing up for every assignment he can to get overtime so I know he is worried too. 

I have prayed and given it back to God.  I keep doing this.  So don't tell me to do that.  I am.  It just keep rearing it's ugly head. 

Happy Anniversary Joe!

If I was to tell you this love story, I could skip to the “And they lived happily ever after” but it bears telling….how a young prince captured a mature princess’s heart.  This is a real love story.

One night at a ball, the princess was tired of all the wanna –be-princes.  Some of them couldn’t even dance.  Pitiful, she thought. She spotted a tall prince in the corner and asked him to dance.  A daring move for a princess but she was determined. Besides she had been slaying dragons alone for quite some time, asking someone to dance was nothing.  The prince swept her off her feet and danced across the ballroom.  She was impressed.

The prince, of course, was devastatingly handsome but he was only 21, barely old enough for a crown so he wore a cowboy hat.  The princess had already been married once and had a young son of her own.  Her heart had to be mended and since she was a bit older than the prince, he pursued her valiantly and honorably.  In a simple wedding and without inviting much royalty at all, he married her in 9 swift months raising her son as his own. 

Their kingdoms were actually pretty poor in riches and jewels.  The prince and princess decided to have two more children, a son and daughter.  (Her kingdom duties were given up rather quickly.) He liked slaying dragons and arresting villains on pennies pay. So they decided to live as peasants and were happier that way.  They enjoyed their modest castle on the cul-de-sac with other children running amuck and decided never to leave Richland Court.   Sometimes they would look across the street at the pink flamingos in the lawn, basketballs and bikes all over the street and count their neighbors as their many blessings. 

One day, the princess presented a rather odd idea-to adopt a child from another kingdom.  The prince took this in stride in his usual loving nature and they added a son to their tiny castle.

From distance lands, another leader asked the prince to serve him and the family made the decision to leave their castle on Richland.  Bigger dragons and villains needed attention, the valiant prince took the position and sadly, they left their neighbors on Richland. It took several years but the prince and princess finally found a castle between Bravery and Fearless and made their home there.  They even decided to add another daughter to their family.   Even when the princess was accosted by nasty ninja warriors, the prince and the children surrounded her and fought them off….dragging them to their very doom. 

Still living on pennies and slaying dragons, the prince and princess grew their large family into a loving family.  The princess still smiles when she remembers the night she asked the handsome prince to dance.  Happy Anniversary Prince Charming.

Chemo education

Chemo is broken down into 2 parts.  I call it the intense round and the rough round.  The intense round is half way done!  Yeah....I only have 2 more to go.  July 2 and then one more.  It is a double whammy. Two chemo treatments in one, followed the next day by the white cell count booster shot.  Now before you say, "Oh....poor CeCe" ..... I chose this route. I could have done an easier route and dragged it out 4 or 6 more weeks and no booster but this was faster and more aggressive.  We all know how patient I am.  (Not) And I am like a bulldozer when I want something done, hence, the fast method.  But it is a kick butt treatment in theory.  Tumor is already shrinking. And my white blood cell count is stellar. 

The second half of this is Taxol.  Now Taxol is a "lighter" chemo.  (I find the word "light" kind of funny) But it's side effects are different.  So I am not sure how I will react to this.  It is shorter (takes 1 1/2 hours to take versus the 3 1/2 hours that my rounds take now).  But I could lose my toenails, eyelashes (I think I am already losing this!), eyebrows and still feel like crap.  This is for 12 rounds.  Sounds fun, huh?  Strange thing is I am looking forward to meeting Mr. Taxol. Just because I hear the fatigue is lighter.  We will see. 

This is just the chemo portion.  I haven't even tackled the surgery or radiation....can't go there yet.  Mostly because until we see how chemo shrinks the tumor, I don't know what kind of surgery I will have.  

What is thankful??? Do you know?

Six weeks ago I had NO understanding of the word “thankful”.  Oh sure, we like every other Christian and non-Christian family, threw the word around a lot, especially at the dinner table or when something went our way, but really I had no concept of what I really had until now. 

Six weeks ago, I was not thankful that I was in stellar health or that my kids were pretty healthy.  There is a broken arm here, trip to neurologist about migraines there but for the most part, my kids were healthy and so was I. 

Six weeks ago I would stare into the mirror and lament that my hair was not straight enough, dark enough, long enough, etc.  I didn’t not appreciate the fact that I had hair to begin with.

Six weeks ago, I was not particularly aware that I had the best husband I could have.  I knew he was wonderful, don’t get me wrong.  But we had never been truly tested (except for our adoption of Isaiah…that was a baby one though) and therefore I didn’t know how the man would stand up under pressure. 

Six weeks ago, I looked at our finances and grumbled.  Saw one credit card (under $500) and some minor bills and thought “Oh, we are in debt!”  I pretty much spent what we got and then felt bad afterwards.  We had enough to get by and I barely saw that as a blessing.

Six weeks ago, I never even thought about medical insurance.  We have pretty good insurance.  I never thought I would see one surgical bill (before insurance) hit $14,000 and that was without any other services or meds.  Staggering……insurance is like gold!

Six weeks ago I would not have believed you if you would have told me my teenage son would drop his summer to take care of my youngest and become an adult rather quickly.  I was clearly not thankful for the man he was about to become. 

But here we are six weeks later.  I have cancer.  It is treatable.  But it is still cancer.  My hair is gone.  The tumor is shrinking.  We keep getting these long, lengthy, itemized insurance pages, which are not bills but they warn you, “Hey we covered all of this….are you aware there are bills that will follow?”  My hair is gone.  My husband is rock steady. My five healthy kids are rallying around me like the Indians are running full speed at the wagon.  My oldest son has matured into a man of God right before my eyes.  My hair is still gone.  Did I mention this?  Still having a problem with this partJ  But I am thankful.  Thankful that God allows me to live when I don’t deserve it.  Thankful that I have all these things when I clearly don’t deserve them either.  Six weeks ago I was oblivious but not now. 

And by the way, I am in kick ass mode now……