Precious Boy

I was wondering when the emotions would hit my middle son.  He is my barometer of my emotions.  Anything I was feeling (last round of cancer), pretty much showed on his face or his emotions like a mirror to my heart.  Last night he was deeply grieved and heartbroken.  It took about 45 min. of talking to get him to calm down.  But it broke my heart as well.  This is the part about cancer that I hate with a passion-dragging family through it.  If it was just me...I could almost handle it but dragging my kids through it AGAIN-ugh!

I had to ask him (and it killed me to do so), "Is there anything I can make for you or do for you that will help you remember how much I love you?"  He thought about it for a while and said "Make me a book of just me and you?"  (Shutterfly type)  He knows me so well.  I have pictures galore and words come freely for me.  So I guess I am making a book for him.  I told him, "Well you know I am going to make this book and then watch -I will live to be 80."  He laughed.  But he still wanted it.

His deepest concern was that no one can help him in school like me, no one listens to him like me, no one knows him like me.  I told him God knows his heart-talk to God first.  Find another adult he can trust.  I gave him several family members and Terri (our neighbor) but also named several people at his school that he could go to.  He said he felt funny about that.  (But I could tell he was considering the choices.) I told him my kids were in a unique position-since I worked for the district for 3 years, A LOT of people know me in each school and they will act like guardian angels around all of my 4 younger ones.

I pray God will provide him and the other kids people to confide in when I am sick.  It is a heavy burden for him to bear alone.

Bittersweet

My youngest daughter has been hanging on my every word, hovering like a nurse and crying. Daily.  I know everyone expects her to be the little nurse, and she is.  She is beyond her years in maturity.  We call her an old soul.  But today I asked her if she wanted me to re-enroll her in school for the last 4 days.  (She has been homeschooled most of the year)  She practically jumped at the chance.  I have to admit I was not surprised.  Cass has been dealing with very adult things all year and although homeschooling was a complete blessing to me and her, she had decided a week before I got diagnosed (or even scanned) that she wanted to go back to public school next year.  Today was her chance for the  escape pod. And she took it.

For me, it was like a sign of defeat, although she doesn't know that.  Like I am resigning to not being here for long.  But I know her going back tomorrow will provide her with a really strong dose of friends and other adults that do not have cancer.  For her this is a lifeline.  So with tears in my eyes I drove up to school to enroll her and submitted the paperwork.  We walked back to her favorite teacher and gave her the news.  Her teacher, of course, was happy to see her and was the perfect medicine for her. Cass beamed.

It was bittersweet.  This year of teaching her was my great honor.  Cass is a teacher's dream.  She is insightful, thoughtful and creative.  I wish I had the money to put that child in private school.  When I practically handed her over, I had this deep feeling of loss.  Homeschooling her was my deepest honor. I know it will mean a lot to her one day, like it does to me right now.

Diagnosis

I read my post from a year ago (almost to the day) of when I found out that I had breast cancer, and almost started laughing.  Wow-I was worried about that?  Compared to now, it is peanuts.  

Initially, (Last year) my diagnosis was Invansive Ductual Carcincoma Stage 2/triple negative.  After chemo and surgery, they pronounced me "cancer free"/clear margins.  I never really believed it.  I just didn't believe I was "done with it".  But I was thankful for the 3 months of cancer free/radiation free time.  

I went in for a routine catscan (of which I requested) 2 weeks ago and got that dreaded phone call back from Dr. Fleener.  She set me up with a Petscan, which resulted in a meeting with a surgeon to discuss a lung biopsy.  The scans showed lung nodules (several)-all small.  But present.  Lung biopsy was last Friday and it came back cancer.  Pathology was sent off-it came back Stage 4 Metastatic Carcinoma of the Breast/Triple Negative.  

After a heartbreaking conversation with Dr. Fleener we have a plan.  First drug treatment will start soon-3-4 pills 2x a day-XelodaI will do 2 weeks on, 1 week off and then scan at end of 9 weeks. If I respond, I will just continue this and pray for remission.  If not, I will pursue clinical trial meds in conjunction with a stable med.-probably through MD Anderson.  

No more radiation, surgeries-just chemo for the rest of my life.  It is "treatable". Remission is rare.  And if I go into remission it may be short lived.  

The kids have been told.  I would appreciate everyone to respect their privacy.  Nothing on Facebook unless it is privately to me.  If it is general, then it is fine but I am not going to answer questions on facebook walls.  

I will probably update this blog more than I will facebook.  Just because people that are truly interested will seek this out and others that are just on facebook for fun don't have to read it. Trying to be considerate of other's feelings. 

Please pray for complete remission/and or that I respond favorably to Xeloda.  I am still recovering from the lung surgery which was NOT fun.  Pray mostly for my husband and kids-who don't deserve this and don't have any say in this. 

On A Dime

In one day, your life can change on a dime. For the better-or worse. In one day, you can realize just exactly what is important and what is not.

Not important.....
bills, mowing the lawn, cleaning your house, decorating your kitchen, worrying about debt, worrying about something you should have dropped a long time ago, holding a grudge

Important....
finding shells on the beach with your little girl, watching your son steal second base, spying your oldest and youngest play Go Fish, and watching your middle two squeal with laughter as they wrestle over the dishes.

Important...
knowing heaven is a real place, telling your friends Jesus is the ONLY way there

The Second Time Around

I have been bracing myself since they announced “clear margins” for the second round of cancer.  I didn’t have to wait too long.  Only a few months. Now it is in my lungs-both of them.

While the terror is the same, my approach is different.  I will admit I cried for 2 days after the Catscan came back with lung nodules and I knew it was cancer.  But after we saw the surgeon and got a plan together, an eerie calm came over me.  It just is what it is.  That is all.  It is cancer. I can’t run from it, hide under the bedcovers or fall in a deep pit again.  

 For the past 6 months, God has been preparing me for a big change.  I assumed it meant moving sooner, than we thought, to D.C, but in reality, I guess it was this.  

Those of you that know me, know I don’t sugar coat things. (Although I am polite)  I won’t call it something that it isn’t. I am very transparent and you see what you get, basically.  

One thing I won’t do is hide from life- this time around.  There will days that I am sure I will want to. I told Cassidy in the Bible-David RAN at Goliath.  He ran at his enemy-even though the enemy was four times his height and more experienced.  He ran without hesitation.  That is how I am approaching this battle.  

My kids read this blog and my facebook page so I am careful with my words.  (I urge you to be careful with yours as well-feel free to private message me if it something you think I need to answer without young eyes) But I will not shy away pointing to the enemy and calling it by its name.  

I have never made a bucket list.  But here is my top 5 things I want to do this year:)

1. Go to the beach with my family
2. Have great pictures taken with my kids
3. publish this novel
4. pay off Tanner’s last 2 years of college.
5. Grow my hair out.  (I know-silly but I am a girl!)

A look back

I try not to look back. Cancer does that to you. But May 17th is creeping up on me and that was when I got my diagnosis.  This month I do the dreaded scan. I have lost one friend, LaDawn, to cancer since I started this and another is ill. When you have friends in the chemo ward, I guess that is to be expected but not easier to digest.

I hated every bit of my cancer.  A lot of people came  up to me and told me I would find blessings in it. I still can't choke that down. I know God was with me. I know who my real friends are now. I know my kids are brave soldiers....they stood in the face of a horrible storm. I know that I don't want to have cancer again.  Other than that-not seeing too many "blessings" in cancer.

My hair is about as short as my son's hair.  Not digging the short hair but at least it grew back. The eyelashes and eyebrows grew back in one week-right after my last chemo. Very weird.  My weight is still not a great subject. I will blame it on steroids and the chemo forcing me through early menopause.

Me and God are a tighter pair. I talk to Him more. If there is a blessing to be found, He would be it.

When people say, "Are you cancer free?" I balk at saying "YES!", even though doctors claim I am so far. In the back of my mind it lurks like a caged lion. It waits for the open gate to pounce through.  I don't think about it all the time, but at least once a day when I look at myself in the mirror or when I brush my hair. A survivor, Ilene, told me once that question is kind of a trick question. You are never really free of cancer.  But you can go on living. So although I avoid answering the question because I will never feel like I am totally done with the beast...I will go on living my life to please God.

If pleasing God means cutting ties, moving on, moving away, writing honestly, guarding my family more closely or cultivating my ministry for Him....then so be it. I am not living to please others anymore.  I used to tie myself in knots to make sure everyone wasn't offended. I love people-I love to serve them as God wants me to but I am not going to tip toe around the truth anymore.

Living doesn't mean "being happy", it means being "holy.  Not self righteous.  But living for Him.  It may not fit with today's "American culture" but I don't live under those rules. I want to follow what God says for me to do. Am I perfect?  Have you met me?  Um....no.  I am not perfect.  I am human. I am a sinner.  But He still loved me. Yes, I had cancer. Doesn't mean He didn't love me. Just meant I had cancer.