A look back

I try not to look back. Cancer does that to you. But May 17th is creeping up on me and that was when I got my diagnosis.  This month I do the dreaded scan. I have lost one friend, LaDawn, to cancer since I started this and another is ill. When you have friends in the chemo ward, I guess that is to be expected but not easier to digest.

I hated every bit of my cancer.  A lot of people came  up to me and told me I would find blessings in it. I still can't choke that down. I know God was with me. I know who my real friends are now. I know my kids are brave soldiers....they stood in the face of a horrible storm. I know that I don't want to have cancer again.  Other than that-not seeing too many "blessings" in cancer.

My hair is about as short as my son's hair.  Not digging the short hair but at least it grew back. The eyelashes and eyebrows grew back in one week-right after my last chemo. Very weird.  My weight is still not a great subject. I will blame it on steroids and the chemo forcing me through early menopause.

Me and God are a tighter pair. I talk to Him more. If there is a blessing to be found, He would be it.

When people say, "Are you cancer free?" I balk at saying "YES!", even though doctors claim I am so far. In the back of my mind it lurks like a caged lion. It waits for the open gate to pounce through.  I don't think about it all the time, but at least once a day when I look at myself in the mirror or when I brush my hair. A survivor, Ilene, told me once that question is kind of a trick question. You are never really free of cancer.  But you can go on living. So although I avoid answering the question because I will never feel like I am totally done with the beast...I will go on living my life to please God.

If pleasing God means cutting ties, moving on, moving away, writing honestly, guarding my family more closely or cultivating my ministry for Him....then so be it. I am not living to please others anymore.  I used to tie myself in knots to make sure everyone wasn't offended. I love people-I love to serve them as God wants me to but I am not going to tip toe around the truth anymore.

Living doesn't mean "being happy", it means being "holy.  Not self righteous.  But living for Him.  It may not fit with today's "American culture" but I don't live under those rules. I want to follow what God says for me to do. Am I perfect?  Have you met me?  Um....no.  I am not perfect.  I am human. I am a sinner.  But He still loved me. Yes, I had cancer. Doesn't mean He didn't love me. Just meant I had cancer.