Heaven Conversation

"Mommy, what if I get to heaven and you're not there yet? I might be scared." This is the conversation I dreaded most about cancer.  Ike brought it up out of the blue as I tucked him in (a job usually Joe does-not me) His eyes welled up with tears.  He was serious and after an answer.

Me: You can sit with Jesus and wait for me. But waiting in heaven is not like here on earth. You might ask Jesus "Where is my mom" and I would be there in a flash. 

I kind of acted it out with mock conversation.  

He giggled but only briefly.  

Ike: "What if you can't find me there?"  

Me: The minute I get to heaven, Jesus will show me.  But you'll be so busy that you won't notice time or where I am.  

Ike:  "What will I be doing?"  Singing, dancing, playing and all to honor the King on the Throne.

Ike: "If you get there before me, just wait." 

I really tried not to cry. This came out of no where. Cass almost said the exact same thing when she was about five. I told him I would wait until he is holding my hand again.  

Ike held on to my hand for a long time.  "I love you with all my heart and kisses."

Yes, this is what motherhood really is-teaching them about Jesus and their eternal home. 

To add to this, the conversation went a little south with questions like
Are there animals in heaven?
Are there bounce houses in Heaven?
Do you think dinosaurs live there too?

How big is an angel?

Remembered

A 19 year old friend of my oldest son wrote something that I have been thinking about a lot the past year.  How do I want to be remembered?  I could say all the nice things you always say about someone when they go to heaven (if that is where they are headed) but I prefer to be brutally honest about the person I am.

How do I want to be remembered?
I am a sinner. I made mistakes.  A lot of them.  I love Jesus and am saved by His mercy and love but I still sin.  It is called being human.  I get mad. Often. Mad that I was given cancer. But in the same breath, I trust God and will praise Him whether I am cured this side of heaven or the other.  I will not be an angel when I die.  He has enough-I will probably be put in charge of getting people to do stuff.  Clean the gardens or something. Ha ha  And when I get to heaven, I get a new body.  I'm looking forward to this.  If I look like a me version of Beyonce-I am OK with that.  And I want to be able to sing like Carrie Underwood, all day long for my Jesus.

I am a mom of 6.  Yes, I said 6.  I lost a baby when I was about 24, and I count him.  I love my kids like a Momma tiger, tough on them when they need it, prowl around them when they need to take care of business, curl up with them when they are wounded and fight like hell for them when they are backed into a corner.  I won't hesitate to rip someones heart out if they hurt one of my babies.  Ask the kids.  Lol


I am a wife of the best man on this earth.  I am a teacher.  I love the underdog kid in the classroom-the one that no one can get to do anything.  I like them.

I don't sensor anything for anyone, but I'm polite.  I have manners.  I gave up trying to please people a long time ago.  I try to please my husband and my Lord.  That is it.


I am creative. But not a real artist. I wish I could paint what is in my imagination. I am not adventurous by nature.  Water slides and roller coaster are NOT my friends.  I am a writer.  I have dreams.  Many of them.  One of which is to be published.  Here's another line of bull I am about to take aim at-I don't want to be published for fame, or just to see my words on paper.  I want to see a paycheck:)  OK, that is honest enough. I just want to provide for my family. If I had my way, I would live at the beach and write on the porch every morning.

Ask yourself how you want to be remembered.  If it isn't exactly a stellar picture when you think of this-change it.

HUGE NEWS-update

My Catscan was not there, at first, when I got to Dr. Fleener’s office.  She had to light a fire under a radiologist’s rear end.  Even when it came in, she called to make sure she was reading the scarce results correctly and then asked if she could speak to another Dr. to read them because she was not satisfied with “lazy” reporting:)  She and three other women prayed over the fax machine as the new report was faxed over.  This is WHY I insist on staying with this oncologist!  

My Catscan shows one nodule remains!  One in my right lung-the rest are GONE.  Even the tiny ones in my left middle lung-are no more. If you don’t realize what a miracle this is-you should have seen the numbers or percentages they gave me originally and then echoed by MD Anderson.  I am not in remission.  But the one that measured 1.1 cm is still there and the rest have vanished.  (Guess living in the bathroom and scorched feet-paid off!)

In 12 weeks I will do multiple scans.  Just to cover all my bases.  I asked if we should do a pet scan or brain scan now-she said no.  Generally, if Xeloda is working (which I fall into the small percentage of people who respond to this drug) more cancer will not appear in “off sites”.  (Like bones, liver, etc) 

Although guarded, we are certainly taking this HUGE praise and running with it.  I have to stay on Xeloda (if I keep responding-long term).  I will go to MD Anderson and hope that my doctor there is as ecstatic as Fleener and her staff.  

God was all over this, whether I showed improvement or not.  I’m not out of the woods, by any means, but thankful.  Haven’t really showed emotion over this yet.  It might be because I had a total meltdown last night.....Satan was prowling and having a field day.  

Still stage 4-triple negative breast cancer BUT I will take this blessing for what it is.....”remarkable improvement” (quote from two doctors) and give Glory to my Lord.  

Catscan

My first catscan will be on August 12. Results on August 13.  A catscan vs. petscan was chosen because catscans measure size of tumors/nodules.  Petscans measure "hotness" of tumor or nodules.  As of May mine were kind of in the slight to medium range as far as "hot" tumors go.  The size/spreading is what we are worried about right now.

On August 12, if the scan comes back with the result that nodules have not grown, diminished or some go away, I stay on Xeloda.  (Drug #1).  Xeloda has been tolerable.  If the nodules have grown, multiplied or spread then I take drug #2 with Xeloda.  This changes everything.  I will have decreased quality of life.  So obviously we are praying for complete remission first, diminished or vanishing nodules second or at the very least-stable.

Please pray over my Catscan. My deepest prayer is that the cancer is gone-forever.  I know this is unlikely but I am still praying for that.  Depending on what is said on Tuesday, I may not be on Facebook that day. Silence is never a good sign from me.  lol

On the sunny side, I feel ok.  I don't feel like I have stage 4-triple negative breast cancer.  I am reacting to oral chemo but don't feel "sick" from the cancer. I have two oncologists-Fleener and one at MD Anderson (who I will see on the 19th).

Thank you for all of your prayers.