Panic Attack

I decided to boycott Relay For Life. I also had a cold. So I really didn't feel well, physically.  Relay for Life is supposed to be this really beautiful thing.  But it brings back too many bad memories.  I don't like it.  My kids had to go for school reasons.  Then I realized it was affecting my middle son.  Badly.  So we both boycotted it .  The more I heard about Relay for Life or saw it on Facebook or thought about people being there, the worse it got for me.  It is not rational. I know this event has nothing to do with my cancer but it is linked mentally to me.  I want no part of it.

I moved into a horrible panic attack.  I guess that is what you call it.  It started in the shower where I wailed and beat my fists into the tile.  I was tired of being sick, tired of meds, and tired of not being "normal".  The episode grew into a full blown panic attack. I couldn't breathe, cried uncontrollably, hot face, clawed at my neck of my shirt.....I lost it.  Joe had to literally hold me and pray over me.  I felt the Holy Spirit calming me.  I calmed down somewhat but man, that was the worst I have been in over a year.  I took sleep meds and Adavan and it still didn't calm me down much.  Of course, I had fever too so this was probably adding to the feeling like crap part.

This week means many things to me and now to my kids.  Around Mother's Day/Relay for Life, the past 2 years on May 17, I have been diagnosed with cancer Stage 2 and then Stage 4.  So I guess I am getting more and more aware of what day is coming.  So is the middle son.  Relay for Life just kind of kicks off the week of terror for me.

Today I ran into Mary B. and she gave me two scriptures.  I can't remember them now.  Everything is kind of a blur.  Plus, I am still dealing with this cold/low grade fever.  I attempted to go to baseball today-I didn't last through 2 innings and left.

Right now if I could punch something with my red, burned hands, I would take it out on a punching bag.  If I could run to a beach house-I would disappear for about a week....let's say after May 17.
I am thankful for the pool and sunshine today-although I didn't feel good, I stuck my feet in the cold water and prayed.  (Felt good on my poor feet too).