One of Those Nights

Had one of those nights....broke down in a fit of tears.  Just tired of looking different, feeling different and basically tired of having cancer.  My kids have kind of forgotten that I am still going through chemo because it is their normal now.  So I am expected to be Wonder Woman again.  I run the taxi service, clean the house, laundry, after school activities but I am still dealing with chemo side effects.  I think they have forgotten.....I try very hard to fake it.  It is hard to fake through fever, anemia and fatigue.  (The fatigue comes from the anemia) 

Broke down, had a good cry and now it is back to doing laundry again:) 

Writing 101

Best advice from my writing residency...

One of us asked, "So how do you get get a novel published?"

A very famous author (whom I have grown to love and respect) told us, "You must first put butt in chair."

This stuck with me.  Oh, you can't just talk about it, dream about it, kind of do it on the side or daydream it on to the pages?

So that is my motto for the year.....BUTT IN CHAIR.

(I will write more when I am not mentally exhausted.  Had chemo and a procedure to correct a stubborn chemo port this week...not really in the mood to blog.)

Working Week

In all the flurry of preparing, chemo and getting four kids prepped for Joe and I leaving separate directions, I am still over the moon excited that I was flying out on Wed. and not returning until Sunday.  First real break I have had since I was diagnosed with cancer in May.  First break from kids for sure!  Even though I will be working at the Craftsman residency and a lot will be expected out of me, I will still be staying at a wonderful hotel in Colorado Springs and not taking care of anyone but me.  I can't wrap my brain around it.

Long before cancer made its appearance, Joe and I prayed about me entering this Craftsman residency.  It was a huge commitment and I was thrilled about the challenge. 

The week I was diagnosed, I tearfully asked Dr. Fleener if I should give it up because part of it involved this trip and with treatment I didn't know what to expect.  She looked very carefully at what part I would be at in the plan and said, "I don't think it is a good idea for you to give up much more.  You are about to lose your hair, your health in many ways, and this is one thing you don't have to give up."  I was so thankful. 

So off I go to my residency assignment for a few days.  Praying my health stays clear and I can do my work.  I pray the kids are prepared enough for school. 

Meltdown on Aisle 5....

I don't know if it was Tanner leaving or if it was cleaning his room and not being able to physically do it.....but I just had one of those hysterical meltdowns that I am sure made my husband go, "What the heck???"  After Tanner left (he literally left nothing in his room) Sherry cleaned the bathroom for me and I swept and mopped his bedroom and bathroom.  I was exhausted to the point of tears.  I don't know if it was the anemia, cancer, the breathing issues I am having due to the reaction to the Taxol but it wiped me out!  And it is a small bedroom/bathroom.  (Thank the Lord Sherry did the bathroom!) 

I came downstairs and lost it.  My house has not been clean since graduation, which I did not do that either.  Since I was diagnosed, I have either had surgery, been recovering or had chemo and my house is a 3200 square foot house with 5 kids.  I delegate and they clean (I have a chore chart and everything) but everyone woman reading this knows why I am frustrated.  I like to clean my house.  With my supplies, my hands, my hard work....it is my nest. Brother Chris (my pastor from home) used to say "You don't mess with the nest".  The smallest thing wipes me out.  My sister came in June and cleaned my downstairs floors......that is the last time they have been done besides what sweeping and stuff I can do or the kids do. 

So after I cried so hard I almost threw up, I called my friend and she is enlisting a maid.  Not a regular hire...but I figure with Joe traveling now and chemo still raging on....it is time.  I can't handle looking at anymore dust, dirt and un-mopped floors.  Joe can't do it all.  The kids are doing enough.  Treatment will go until January and I am NOT waiting until then for a clean house.  I know woman out there are nodding their heads....they hear me! 

Chemo Trial and error Monday

Monday, we had issues with my chemo port.  Before they can give you the actual steroid, anti-nausea drug, and chemo, they have to draw blood from your same chemo port they put the chemo in.  It really is a great thing in theory if everything works.  Which it did not Monday.  I am a bit squeamish and I don't know HOW my sister sat there and watched this whole thing but Monday, the nurse (God love that woman) inserted the small fish hook needle in my chemo port and could not get blood to back out.  She asked me to raise my arm up, shrug my shoulders, relax....but the blood would not come up through the needle.  At this point, I am nauseated and I have an audience.  (Three chairs face me with their visitors) 

Nurse Sweetie unhooks me and gets a longer fishhook needle, resprays (to numb me but it didn't work) and tries again.  This time she asks me to stand up, bend over, straighten back up, arch my back, shrug my shoulders, raise my arm up again and practically do the hokie pokie....all with a growing audience and growing nausea.  We have success, finally.... but by this time I am in tears.  Well, actually I am trying not to cry and if she would just quit talking to me or quit asking me questions (making me speak) I could get it under control.  I am really trying not to make eye contact with the family that is across from me who has been staring with fascination the whole time.  Trying not to throw up, trying not to punch the nurse and finally I lose it.  Yes, this is the "strong person" people keep referring to....I am not!   When  it comes to physical pain, I buckle under pretty quickly.  Blood is a deal breaker. 

This is real chemo.  I love when people pretend chemo just hums along.  It usually does but sometimes you get these off days and you really want to lie down and just sleep for two days.  I drove back to Houston.  I could not sleep-steroids....gotta love them.  (I know I am dripping sarcasm....it is how I cope) I love the fact that chemo kills cancer but I am not going to lie and say I love the chemo.  I am not brave, strong or inspiring on these days. 

To BHS Classmates of 86 and everyone else who helped with benefit

Dear Classmates and Friends,

To thank so many people would take me a decade so I thought I would take a moment to tell you how I got in this situation, how I am getting out and who helped me along the way.  I plan on sending this out with every thank you note that I can write but my fear is with the way people were throwing in cash or donating in secret, I am going to miss a lot of you.  I don’t want to miss thanking one person.    

Even after a mammogram last July and a physical in December, in May I discovered a lump.  It is a woman’s nightmare.  I didn’t waste time.  Some women wait weeks, hoping it will magically go away.  I waited less than 24 hours to see my doctor.  The alarm on his face was enough for me.  I knew it was cancer.  I knew that it didn’t matter that I had five kids, two dogs and a wonderful husband….it was still cancer.  And we didn’t know how bad it was.  That was the scary part.  After the biopsy, the surgeon used words like “aggressive and high grade” but that was all we knew.  The waiting came then.  Truly that part was agony.  I waited two weeks via test results, MRI, PET SCAN, and Lymph node dissection to find out what stage.  Was it in my bones?  Other organs?  My lymph nodes?  (It was not, Praise God!)

Did I mention my oldest son was trying to graduate high school during this time?  I was trying to hold it together for him but failing.  I lost it, pretty much.  Even my faith in God was shaky.  Luckily, my husband’s prayer and faith hung on for both of us until we found out the news.  It was Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, a “garden variety of breast cancer” but mine was triple negative as well and very aggressive.  So it would only respond to the most aggressive triple chemo treatment/surgery/ radiation.  This was a huge blow to our family. 

But at some point when you have five children (one of which we were in the middle of adopting before I was diagnosed) you have to get up and fight.  It is hard to fight when you don’t have the energy to make toast sometimes.  My husband had to work, so my oldest son completely took over.  At age 18, he took care of my challenging 6 year old, ran errands, babysat, and generally just became an adult.  The other kids took care of me.   

When you are sick you don’t take vacations, go to movies, etc.  Going out to eat is a struggle when you have no appetite.  The kids keep asking me “When will you be better, Mom?”  The answer is very soon.  These are small things you take for granted….it is has been a LONG summer for my kiddos.  lol

My high school friends realized that cancer strikes not only the checkbook but family routine too.  By the end of May, I was called by two or three of them.  I think I was stunned or really in denial at the time at the thought of a fundraiser.   People that know me know that it is hard for me to accept help of any sort.  But they were persistent and convincing, knowing that more surgeries, radiation, and family survival would surely come even after insurance did its part.   They were right.  Keeping family normal is probably the hardest part of cancer.  Thank you for helping us keep family important.  They were getting so lost in treatments and appointments that we haven’t even school shopped or bought backpacks for this year.  Just the small things but they add up. 

In the Bible there is a story of incredible odds that I have held on to.  It is the story of Elisha and his servant.  When it looks like they will be crushed by the enemy and overtaken and the servant is kind of freaking out, Elisha shows him the mighty power of God. 

2 Kings 6:15 When the servant of the man of God got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. “Oh no, my lord! What shall we do?” the servant asked.

16 “Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”  17 And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

That is how I feel with all of you around me….hills of horses and chariots of fire. The fight is still going on and will be but those who are with me are more than the enemy.  Thank you for surrounding me with protection and love.  Thank you for your help during this time of need and encouraging me when all I see is the enemy riding in toward me.   Joe and I can’t say enough about how much work and time went into the event.  Thank you again. 

In Christ,

CeCe Caldwell Benningfield

Time is precious

We were talking about time today at chemo since I had to wait 2 extra hours (long story).  Some people choose to make the most of the time they know they have left in that room.  (Not all are in there with stage 2 cancer like me) Some are opting out of treatment soon because they want the time they have with their families to be uninterrupted by what treatments bring.  (Side effects, making you sick sometimes, dr. appt). And we talked about our real "Time".  God knows your time from before you are even a thought or conception.  He knows when you will leave this earth.  Sadly, you choose where you will end up.  I hope you will not run out of time before you choose Jesus.  It may be limited time.  Or you may have 50 more years to think about it but you never know. 

A person can tell a lot about a person if you look at where they spend their time.  Do they bow at the alter of the tv and watch the world on the screen instead of their family?  Do they shop and spend money but no time with their kids?  Do they work 60 hours a week and then come home and expect all the kids they wanted to go away?  Do they curl up on the couch every day and sleep hours and hours instead of playing ball with their son?  These are all ways you can tell what you value.  By what you spend your time on.....your money too. 

My time is suddenly precious.  I am really tired and don't feel like doing much. But when I do I know I try to show the people around me that I love them.  I try to invest in things that matter.  I am human-there are things that distract me but I do make an effort.  I just know you can't store up treasures and things in this life.  All you can do is store up love in people and your relationship with the Lord.  That is the only thing you can take with you or leave that matters.  This weekend I was shown that putting time into loving a friend was important to a great deal of people and it surprised me and awed me.  Love does that.  Jesus does that.  He has a way of taking something small and making it something awe-inspiring. 

Don't listen to lies

Satan is a liar.  He prowls around like a thief in the night. He will tell you that you are not good enough, pretty enough, your marriage is not strong enough, you can't beat an illness.....but he is a liar.  That is what I keep telling myself.  And if you leave the door cracked open for him, he will either slide through it, sneaky like or just kick it in.  Lately, he had been kicking it in and I have been letting him.  It is hard to constantly go to God when you think you are strong enough to deal with some things on your own.  That is another lie.  You are not. 

Dear Lord,  Please give Satan the butt kicking he needs on my behalf.  I am quite tired in every sense of the word.  Amen.

Ok, there-I gave it over to God in short, sweet terms.  He knows my heart and He knows long- lengthy prayers are my way of stalling.....so I am just cutting to the chase on this one. 

Forgetting

There are days I forget I have cancer.  Like yesterday.  I felt normal.  Normal energy (until about one part of the day and then it hit me but we can ignore that).  Normal appetitite.  No nausea.  Still wanted to drink a gallon of ice cold water but I forgot I had cancer.  I forgot until I walked by a mirror.  Then I had an overwhelming urge to smash the mirror with a rock or a brick like in a movie.  Yep, still have it.