Monday, we had issues with my chemo port. Before they can give you the actual steroid, anti-nausea drug, and chemo, they have to draw blood from your same chemo port they put the chemo in. It really is a great thing in theory if everything works. Which it did not Monday. I am a bit squeamish and I don't know HOW my sister sat there and watched this whole thing but Monday, the nurse (God love that woman) inserted the small fish hook needle in my chemo port and could not get blood to back out. She asked me to raise my arm up, shrug my shoulders, relax....but the blood would not come up through the needle. At this point, I am nauseated and I have an audience. (Three chairs face me with their visitors)
Nurse Sweetie unhooks me and gets a longer fishhook needle, resprays (to numb me but it didn't work) and tries again. This time she asks me to stand up, bend over, straighten back up, arch my back, shrug my shoulders, raise my arm up again and practically do the hokie pokie....all with a growing audience and growing nausea. We have success, finally.... but by this time I am in tears. Well, actually I am trying not to cry and if she would just quit talking to me or quit asking me questions (making me speak) I could get it under control. I am really trying not to make eye contact with the family that is across from me who has been staring with fascination the whole time. Trying not to throw up, trying not to punch the nurse and finally I lose it. Yes, this is the "strong person" people keep referring to....I am not! When it comes to physical pain, I buckle under pretty quickly. Blood is a deal breaker.
This is real chemo. I love when people pretend chemo just hums along. It usually does but sometimes you get these off days and you really want to lie down and just sleep for two days. I drove back to Houston. I could not sleep-steroids....gotta love them. (I know I am dripping sarcasm....it is how I cope) I love the fact that chemo kills cancer but I am not going to lie and say I love the chemo. I am not brave, strong or inspiring on these days.
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