Big Changes

Starting next week I will be the mother of five.  Sounds a little daunting, doesn't it. Going from 4 to 5 is kind of like jumping off a cliff with no parachute but that is how we roll around here.  Cancer, adoption, college.....we like to do it without a safety net-just Jesus.  Lol 

Weird encounter

I waited in line at customer service at HEB to exchange something with Ike and I hear this kind of creepy voice behind me.  "You go to MD Anderson?"
I ignored it because surely they are not talking to me.....I am at the grocery store. 
Again, the voice repeated the question.  "You go to MD Anderson?"

I turned around and a small woman was standing VERY close to my back and I said, "Excuse me?"
She repeated the question.  "You go to MD Anderson?"

 I wanted to say, "Lady I am NOT really having a hard time hearing you....I am trying to figure out if I have a big sign on my back that screams "I HAVE CANCER..PLEASE COME TALK TO ME ABOUT YOURS"

She fiddled with her odd wig and said, "I have a wig.  Like to wear it every day."  She is looking at my scarf. 

Ike at this point, is narrowing his blue eyes...he doesn't like her.  She is creeping him out.  I told her, "That is nice."  And I turned back around.  I am not feeling particularly friendly.  I am REALLY trying to be polite but I want to tell her "I am in HEB for goodness sake....go away."

She asked me if I had a wig and what stage I was.  Ike piped up.  "My mommy is shopping."  Lol  I wanted to kiss his buzz haircut!  I told her I had one, didn't prefer to wear it.  I turned around again.  This is A CLUE.

She keeps talking to me.  I have my back turned.  Very unChristian-like, I know.  Finally, I kind of give her the look.  You know the look.....the Caldwells have one that can bury you.  I told her "I hope you are blessed through your treatment but I do not have time to talk about mine."  I wasn't trying to be mean....really.  I just thought it was WEIRD.....weird, weird.....and kind of creepy. 

Paying bills

It is a 5 am and I can't sleep so I decided to pay bills.  We have enough to pay all of our bills which I am thankful for. Is it bad that I am ignoring the medical bills?  I kind of find that if I ignore them, they tend to change.  Insurance will pay it or something.....so they are sitting here.  It isn't like the total is that bad but I don't want to give them a dime that they don't need. 

Something to ponder

Beauty fades……so does all the wild nights with your girlfriends and chasing things that don’t matter. All the money you spend of fake eye lashes, fake body parts, blingy jeans, it looks good right now (I love it too) but really, when you are faced with a serious phone call from that particular doctor, it is pretty much a waste.   It is like flushing time or money down the toilet.

 I am not saying don’t enjoy it.  I am saying put it in perspective.  Weigh it.  Examine where you put your time and your money and your energy. 

Is it is your appearance?  Because that can be taken away in an instant or at least two chemo treatments.  Is it in your stock market or your bank account?  Money is like shifting sand.  You can’t stand on it for very long. 

Is it in your children?  Well, this sounds harsh-spend time with them and cherish them but they grow up and move away.  Don’t make them something you worship.  You better find something that is a little more substantial.  You even have to put your husband and children in perspective. 

If your eyes are not on God….He will make a way to get your attention.  He doesn’t have to beg for my attention anymore.  He has it. 

Chemo 4 side effects

Weird new side effects with Chemo 4.  I want to sleep (not new) all the time.  But I am thirsty all the time.  Like I could drink a gallon of water......or tea or whatever.  It started yesterday.  My mouth is very dry all the time.  They had warned me about this but it never started until now. 

But nausea has been kept at bay, pretty much.  I will take the weird small blessings where I can get them. 

On the kid side of things, Ikester has been having more meltdowns at night.  I think year round school is something he really needs.  (Not at my house, either)  He doesn't do well with off structure or off routine.  Tonight, I am moving back bedtime to 9 and we will see how that goes.  He has been allowed to stay up until 10 in summer and it has been backfiring on us.  (Because it turns into 11!)  My teacher friends will probably shoot me evil eyes for this but I am counting down days until school.  He NEEDS it.  I fear it will be a rough go at first for whoever has him.  Why can't we just clone Mrs. Geigley...she is the best teacher EVER!!!!!!!

Adoption Pending

Sherry comes on the weekends and now it is hard for her to leave on Sundays (for me and her both).  In my brain, I come up with all these elaborate schemes of why she doesn't have to go back....but I return her anyway.  It just feels natural that she is here.

We are getting her room ready.  Ribbon boards finished (they are a work in progress because I have no energy), shelf painted (check!), room rearranged, and school supplies bought. I am trying to find (online) two matching bedside tables that I can paint the same way I did the shelf and that way Cassidy and Sherry can have something beside their beds.  Joe has to hang curtain rods in her closet.  Whoever hung the rod hung it for a small child...and we have a teen!

Mailed off the affidavit to our lawyer-next step is finding $2000 to file for adoption.  The minute she moves in on August 1, it starts a 6 month clock ticking toward adoption if we have filed.  No wonder Joe is putting in for all kinds of trips/over time.   ha ha.  They will then start the home study.  Luckily this is a private adoption, so my cancer won't nix the adoption. 

Can't wait until she is here with us, for good.  We already think of her as our daughter and call her our oldest daughter....it's time to make it official!

 

Single Mom

I am about to embark on life as a single mom a lot in the coming months and go through chemo.  This was not actually the plan but it is an election year and this is what my husband does.  It is also means extra income.  Sherry's adoption and Tanner's college hit all at the same time so I told Joe sign up...for everything.  (I can't substitute this fall.  We have decided with surgery it will be too much.)  I am probably going to regret saying those words.  We got a calendar and x out days he was going to be potentially gone.....wow!  When will he be here? 

This kind of travel is normal for us on a normal time but I am not exactly normal right now.  Just hope nothing weird happens.  I finish my double whammy chemo Monday and then on to Taxol with a whole different set of side effects.  Hope fatigue and nausea get left behind? If I am doing this solo, I don't have time for it. 

Phone Call

I screen my phone calls.  Every day.  But a strange number has been calling our house for the last 3 nights asking for Joe and then when I say he is not available they just hang up. Today, they called and I asked “Who is speaking please?”  before I told them where he was or whatever.  It was the Breast Cancer Association and they said they were happy to talk to Joe or his “significant other”.  

Caller:  “Ma’am, we are calling on behalf of the Breast Cancer Association.  These women are suffering from..

Me:  I have breast cancer.

Caller:  I am so sorry but you know how difficult this time can be, if you could just donate some small amount…

Me:  Ma’am, one, I have no money, because we are fighting my breast cancer.  Two, I am on a no call list. 

Caller:  I appreciate your need.  But these women….

Me:  I AM THESE WOMEN……

I hung up.  I fully support the Breast Cancer Association but goodness….I am not in the position to give right now.  And DON’T tell me how these women feel!  Where are decent manners?  The MINUTE she heard the words, “I have breast cancer” that should have been a signal that the conversation was probably a done deal.

What is normal?

Most of the time, I wake up in the morning and I am fine.  Today was one of those days.  I didn’t automatically think, “I have cancer.” 

But last night was a different story.  I cried myself to sleep.  My emotions are still all over the places at very random times.  I can’t control them.  It usually happens at night.  Poor Joe, it is when he is present.  Happy homecoming, honey…I am crying again.   I find myself blaming myself for having cancer and putting our family through this trial.  I found myself apologizing to Joe for having cancer, like I can control that but I still feel like I brought it to the family.  He dismisses that comment, of course, but the burden is huge.  I feel like I am holding each member of my family under water and crying while I watch them struggle.  But in reality they are doing fine….I am the one that is not. 

People that talk to me say “I am so glad to hear you laugh again.”  Yeah, you just caught me on a good moment.  I am faking it.  Pretty much all the time.  The off and on again depression is to be expected.  My doctor said this is normal.  Normal doesn’t live here anymore. 

Ikester and pillow talk

Ikester had a rough night.  Long ago, I would lay down with him and just tell him stories.  Tonight was one of those nights when he needed major mommy time and I had energy to give it.  We had only a small lamp on and it was nice and comfy in that twin bed.  (I am telling you... I was hard pressed to stay awake!) He was super curious about my hair or lack there of....
Ike: Let me feel under that scarf. 
Me:  It is mighty prickly under there....are you sure you want to?
Ike: Yep....let me feel it. 
So he slid his hand under the side and started giggling. 
Ike:  You're right.  Is it growing back?
Me:  Don't know.
Ike:  Let me SEE it.  (This is huge because I haven't let anyone but my sister and Joe see my head)
I pulled the scarf off half way and  his eyes got really big.
 Ike:  OHHHHH.
Me:  thank you for not laughing.
Ike:  Would that hurt your feelings if I laughed?
Me:  Maybe
Ike:  Cause I really want to laugh......

We both busted out in giggles....how can you get mad at him?

School Supply Lists

Here is the list this year and this does not include my high schooler! This is not a cry for "help me with my school supplies".  I am a shopper all year long. Got it covered.  Oh, and don't get me started on the things that are not on the list-t-shirts for every event, PTO dues, club stuff, sports stuff.....the list would get too lengthy to read.

This is a shock and awe article.  Seriously......when I taught at Jane Long, a poorer school, most of this stuff was in the team budget because they knew kids could not afford contruction paper, hand soap, etc.  The kids brought basics.  Not post it notes, clorox wipes, expo markers, etc.  Look at this list.  I have 4 kids to buy for and we make decent money.  What about XYZ family that can not even buy for one kid?  You know what happens?  Half of my supplies goes in for the "community" use.  Times are tough.  Times are hard around the US right now....this is a shorter list than last year.  But goodness.  And to top it all off-teachers will end up spending half of their first month's salaries filling in for the supplies for the kids that don't bring anything.  UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  Lose, lose.  I have been on both sides of the fence.  Still chaps my hide.

4th Grade - Pre-Packaged Price $55.00

2  100 count facial tissue

1  Paper towel

2  Assorted pocket & brad folder

1  5" Fiskar sharp scissors

1  12x18 50 count bright white construction paper

1  9x12 50 count assorted construction paper

72  No. 2 wood pencil (latex free)

2  200 count wide rule filler paper

5  70 count spiral composition book wide rule

2  Pink bevel eraser (latex free)

1  2" assorted hardback vinyl binder

1  8 tab assorted index divider set

2  4oz Elmer's glue all

24  Pencil cap erasers (latex free)

2  Regular pencil sharpener with receptacle

2  Small (6 gram) Elmer's glue sticks

2  Crayola thick classic markers 8 count

1  Sharpie accent pen style highlighter yellow

1  8.5x11 zippered bag

1  50 count box reclosable sandwich bags

2  Expo black chisel tip erase marker

1  3x3 assorted post-it-notes 4/50 sheet pads

1  1/16" plastic ruler - 12" standard & metric

1  Clorox wipes 35 count - not for skin

1st Grade - Pre-Packaged Price $48.00

1  9x12 50 count assorted construction paper

4  16 count crayola crayons

2  9x12 50 count manila paper

2  100 count facial tissue

1  5" Fiskar blunt scissors

1  4oz. Elmer's glue all

24  No. 2 wood pencil (latex free)

1  1.5" white view vinyl binder

10  Small (6 gram) Elmer's glue sticks

1  Blue plastic pocket folder

1  Purple plastic pocket folder

1  Red plastic pocket folder

6  Magic rub eraser

2  Expo black fine tip dry erase markers

1  8oz waterless hand sanitizer with pump

1  12x18 50 count manila paper

1  12x18 50 count assorted construction paper

2  11x8.5-1/2" multi method tablet

1         70 count spiral composition book wide rule

7th grade

HONORS READING

1 ½ inch Binder

1 package 5 tab dividers

Notebook paper

Blue or black pen

MATH

1 ½ inch binder

Notebook paper

1 set of multi-colored pens

Pencil

1 set of 5 tab dividers

One subject spiral

SOCIAL STUDIES

Composition book

Erasers

Pencil

One shoe box

SCIENCE

2 Composition books

Pencil

2 pocket folder with brads

1 roll of paper towels

HONORS WRITING

1 ½ inch binder

1 package 5 tab dividers

Wide ruled notebook paper

Blue or black pen

Multi-colored pens

 

More Chemo #3 Praise

Chemo 3:  Bad news first-didn't go so well,  chemo port entry had some problems and from then on i was sick to my stomach until about 8:30 that night.  Ugh.  But after that I was fine.  Next day I was ok.  Still refusing to eat certain types of meat or foods. 

Good news:  When I got booster shot, Dr. Fleener snagged me and said she wanted to measure the tumor.  She said it was still shrinking at a rapid rate (great news).  I asked her if there was such a time when the tumor goes away completely and there is not a reason for surgery and she said still have it because they have to be certain there is not a tumor lurking.  After my chemo #4, she is going to recommend they "tag it" through a biopsy like gun like they used when I got my core biopsy so they can keep track of it even as it shrinks to nothing:)  Sometimes it moves and she doesn't want to lose track of it.  We are definately looking at lumpectomy-not the other!!!!!

She had a long talk with me about depression, because I have been crying a lot lately.   She assured me this is the "depression" dip.  The hair is gone, the feeling of ugly is there....it is normal and ok that I am feeling like this. So that made me feel better.  If it doesn't iron it out this month or so, she will talk to me about anti depressants but I told her I didn't think those were necessary.

Chemo 3

Don't know what was different but when the nurse stuck the needle into the "deadened" area for the chemo port, it hurt and it never really stopped hurting.  So I stayed nauseated the whole time blood was drawn and partly through the first half and part of the last.  It just felt like heartburn in one spot.  Weird.  Nothing was blocked.  Nothing was wrong.  My numbers are fabulous.  I mean so nothing was done improperly just felt like crap!  If I could have slept through it, I might have been better but I could not.

Praise has to be given, even though I feel like ick, my genetics test came back.  It was negitive.  Which means if the chemo keeps shrinking this tumor like it has been I am looking at a lumpectomy-not a more invasive procedure.