What is normal?

Most of the time, I wake up in the morning and I am fine.  Today was one of those days.  I didn’t automatically think, “I have cancer.” 

But last night was a different story.  I cried myself to sleep.  My emotions are still all over the places at very random times.  I can’t control them.  It usually happens at night.  Poor Joe, it is when he is present.  Happy homecoming, honey…I am crying again.   I find myself blaming myself for having cancer and putting our family through this trial.  I found myself apologizing to Joe for having cancer, like I can control that but I still feel like I brought it to the family.  He dismisses that comment, of course, but the burden is huge.  I feel like I am holding each member of my family under water and crying while I watch them struggle.  But in reality they are doing fine….I am the one that is not. 

People that talk to me say “I am so glad to hear you laugh again.”  Yeah, you just caught me on a good moment.  I am faking it.  Pretty much all the time.  The off and on again depression is to be expected.  My doctor said this is normal.  Normal doesn’t live here anymore.