Dark Side

Kelly Clarkson has a song out right now.  Dark Side.  It really speaks to me right now.  Don't know why.  Cancer feels dark.  Brings out the darker part of you.  Oh, there are people that pretend to be fine with it.  I call bull on that one!  Cancer is never "fine".  Some people just fake it better than others.  I am staying busy (4 kids at home means I must stay busy) but the thought of that poison lurking inside me is always in the back of my mind.  Until it is gone, there is no rest.  No peace for me.  If we are being honest....that is the truth.  

Dark Side

There's a place that I know

It's not pretty there and few have ever gone

If I show it to you now

Will it make you run away

Or will you stay

Even if it hurts

Even if I try to push you out

Will you return?

And remind me who I really am

Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond

From black dust

It's hard to know

What can become

If you give up

So don't give up on me

Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Lion King and Mommy

I have Isaiah home today.  Took him to the doctor.  His throat looks like strep, feels like strep but isn't testing positive.  Doc said it probably would culture positive by tomorrow morning.  Anyway, I am home with Ikester.  He was watching Lion King (for the millionth time!) so I laid down on my bed with out my scarf.  He came in and I expected shock from him.

Ike:  Whoaaaa-where's your hair?
Me:  No answer
Ike:  Oh, I forgot it's gone.  Do you sneak in here to take that off (pointing to the scarf)?
Me:  Yep
Ike:  Ok.  I am going to watch Lion King.  You don't have to be in your room.  I like your hair.

He is the only kid out of the 5 that would react that way.  The others have told me this is NOT acceptable.  Lol  Therefore, since I lost my hair in June, no one has seen me without some type of head cover on.  Only Isaiah. Sweet boy!

Quiet Day at Chemo

Saw Dr. Fleener.  She and I talked of things to come.  New words like remission.  Haven't heard that one associated with my case yet.  That will be my new word after surgery.  It has a certain ring to it.

I asked her to write a positive letter about my cancer to attach to my adoption home study for Sherry.  She and I discussed what kind of adoption this was.  CPS adoptions tend to shut adoptions down even if the patient has been in remission for a couple of years.  This a private adoption so I was told by my lawyer it should not be a factor but it still scares me.  You might want to pray for us.  It is a scary thing for someone else to make decisions when the doctor thinks I am healthy enough to do this and Joe and I  know we are the right people to adopt.

The Biker

I was stuck at Walmart (why is it always Walmart) and a man's voice came from behind.  It was one of those Sean Connery silvery toned, deep voices...I half expected to see him standing there.  Except without the accent.  Instead it was a biker.  Older man.  He asked me how I was doing.  At first I thought he was asking because I had been arguing (politely) with customer service over the expired Visa card they sold me.  But then he clarified..."I mean, how are you doing with the cancer?"

It was a rare time I didn't bristle.  He was really being sweet.  He said his wife battled it three times.  The first time the doctors wouldn't listen when she begged for a mastectomy and as a result it came back twice.  Different story than mine but he told me it was the hardest thing he had ever walked through and could not imagine her pain or mine.  I didn't take offense to anything he said.  Clearly, he just wanted to reach out.  He saw my ring and asked how my husband was taking it.  No one ever asks about Joe.  We talked for about 15 minutes. 

I walked out to my truck feeling very blessed as I watched him drive off on his Harley.  A true gentleman. 

Stages of Grief

There are "grief" stages you go through in cancer.  I thought this was a bunch of bull.  If you are being really honest and not pretending to be Miss Sunshine-this is true.

I skimmed through denial-I knew it was cancer.  I didn't bother bargaining too much.  I knew I didn't have the right to bargain but I prayed a lot for lesser cancer.

The "why me" stage-I still get sucked in there sometimes but it take about 5 minutes in the chemo ward not to ask that question.

 I have been through the depression/sadness part.  That one still sneaks in often, sometimes daily.

Now I am moving into the angry stage, which I would rather skip.  I don't like anger.  I am angry about a lot of things.  Things I can not blog about.  People I can't blog about.  I started a Bible study.  It has helped.  But I am still angry.  Not really at God either.  Just mad as hell.

Do you know I am only half way through this?  I have four more chemo treatments (which is the hardest part, I think) and then I have surgery, radiation so people keep saying stuff like "Well, I bet you can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel...."  Really?  The tunnel is somewhere in January.  It is September right now. Nope-no tunnel right now.  No light.  The more I keep hearing about "recurrence" in patients around me, the worse it gets.  I want to be a one hit wonder.  That is it.  My worst fear is to get this crap again and put my husband and kids through this AGAIN!!!!  See....there is that angry tone again.  Sorry.

I try to list my blessings.  Here are they are for today.

1.  I am thankful that my house is getting cleaned by someone other than me
2.  I am thankful Tanner is away from home getting to escape from this.....wish I was with him:)
3.  I am thankful for my kids and Joe's health.
4.  I am thankful for extra provision right now.

That is all I got folks.  Still mad.  lol

4 more to go...

I was stuck in chemo lab today for many hours.  They were double booked.  So when I got there at 11:00, I had to wait until 2 pm to get into a chair.  You learn a lot when you wait that long.  It is VERY disheartening to learn that people are there for their 2nd or 3rd time through cancer.  It comes up in conversation when you are waiting that long or you over hear people discussing it.  "I had breast cancer  6 years ago, now I have uterine cancer."  Me and my friend, who are first timers (and hopefully last timers) are sitting there sinking further and further into our chairs wanting to disappear.

There were very old people in the chemo ward today.  I don't know if I was in my 60's or beyond and sick (they look sick) if I would put my body would through what I am putting mine through or not.  It is a judgment call, I guess.  I am not sure I would do this again, period.  Your body takes a brutal beating.  My friend and I were talking about this (as we were sitting there for HOURS).  It is do-able but rough.  People call me "strong" and "inspiring"....I am neither.  I cry the night before chemo.  EVERY TIME.  So does she-which oddly enough makes me feel better.  There are people that it doesn't faze.

When you get home from chemo, you want to sleep but you can't because of the steroids.  You don't have the energy because of the chemo.

Reminder

There is a vegetable market close to Julio's in Tomball.  The owner is Vincent (young Hispanic) and his brother Tomas.  I have noticed the market has been closed lately.  Today we ate at Julio's and I took the kids into the vegetable market to see Mr. Vincent.  He and I usually exchange pleasantries and he is the nicest young man.  When I say young-probably late 20's to early 30's.  He apologized for not having much stock out, he had been closed for 3 weeks.  I asked him if everything was OK and he shared with me some sad news.

Vincent's twin brother, Tomas died of a heart attack 3 weeks ago.  I told him how sorry I was to hear of his loss and how we would pray for his family.  I asked him if he had a church family that helped him in South Texas during the funeral arrangements and funeral.  He said it was a huge Catholic service but it has been hard. I again told him I would pray for his family.  But my heart was so sad for him.  First, to have a twin die-must be awful.  Second, to lose a brother to a heart attack SO YOUNG....wow, I was stunned.

If you know of the place by Julio's, stop by and tell him you are praying for him.  It doesn't sound like he goes to church.  I told the kids when we got in the truck, they were very worried for Mr. Vincent.

Time is limited on earth.  I have given my heart to Jesus and know where I am going. Do you?

6 more to go

Since I have been slightly emotional over everything very tired this week, I assumed my anemia (RBC) had dropped back in the 8's.  But no, the nurse said I was still anemic (9.3) which accounts for the fatigue.  I told him-"Taxol was supposed to be the lighter chemo and I feel like I have more small side effects with this one than I did with the two big protocols.
emotional
fatigue
nosebleeds
wheezing/cough-although that one seems to have gone away, I think????
cramping of feet
weight gain/swelling
losing my eyebrows/lashes
fever the last couple of days of the week

He said, "Who told you Taxol was easier?  It is STILL chemo and everyone reacts differently.  Taxol is accumulative too...soooo you are feeling worse and worse as the treatments go.  Sorry but that is the truth of it."   

No wonder I didn't miraculously feel so much better if it's accumulative.  Makes sense.  When I first started taking it, it was like Whooohoooo....this is much better and then every treatment I added a side effect and felt worse with the anemia. 

6 more.....and then the next hurdle.

Unrecognized

I had a rough couple of days.  Side effects haven't really changed but I guess my appearance really has. I don't wear a wig often at all.  I don't feel comfortable in it and when this all started I swore I would wear one everywhere.  I wear scarves.  Hats make my head hurt.  I guess in the last week or so, my eyelashes have  pretty much fallen out and my eyebrows have thinned dramatically. So when I wear the scarf, it screams cancer.  I look different.  So different that people don't recognize me.

I went into Schultz-my former school, where I worked for 3 years and had close friends.  One of my close friends (whom I have not seen since May) walked right up to me twice (even after I said her name twice) and did not acknowledge me.  At first, it stung.  Downright hurt my feelings that she didn't say hello, how are you, anything....and then I realized, she has no clue who I am.  My mouth fell open.  I was shocked.

Happened again at the high school, the same day, with two students that I used to be close with.  One was a kid I taught for 2 years straight and when he usually sees me he bear hugs me, makes a big scene.....but this time when I called his name he looked at me like I was a complete stranger.  He had no recognition of me.  The other one was the same.  Needless to say I cried all day.  All weekend.  I don't write this for pity.  This is just the walk I am on and my appearance is part of it.  When people I know and love don't recognize me-it hurts badly.

I am usually strong and don't let it bother me for the most part.  I know it is all temporary, although comments about that don't comfort me.  I don't really realize how much I have changed on the outside until I have one of these experiences or until I go to chemo and see one of my fellow patients who is on the same protocol looking dramatically different.  I kind of stop and wonder...."Hmmm....they look different-I bet I do too."  It is such a slow process sometimes I don't notice.