There are "grief" stages you go through in cancer. I thought this was a bunch of bull. If you are being really honest and not pretending to be Miss Sunshine-this is true.
I skimmed through denial-I knew it was cancer. I didn't bother bargaining too much. I knew I didn't have the right to bargain but I prayed a lot for lesser cancer.
The "why me" stage-I still get sucked in there sometimes but it take about 5 minutes in the chemo ward not to ask that question.
I have been through the depression/sadness part. That one still sneaks in often, sometimes daily.
Now I am moving into the angry stage, which I would rather skip. I don't like anger. I am angry about a lot of things. Things I can not blog about. People I can't blog about. I started a Bible study. It has helped. But I am still angry. Not really at God either. Just mad as hell.
Do you know I am only half way through this? I have four more chemo treatments (which is the hardest part, I think) and then I have surgery, radiation so people keep saying stuff like "Well, I bet you can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel...." Really? The tunnel is somewhere in January. It is September right now. Nope-no tunnel right now. No light. The more I keep hearing about "recurrence" in patients around me, the worse it gets. I want to be a one hit wonder. That is it. My worst fear is to get this crap again and put my husband and kids through this AGAIN!!!! See....there is that angry tone again. Sorry.
I try to list my blessings. Here are they are for today.
1. I am thankful that my house is getting cleaned by someone other than me
2. I am thankful Tanner is away from home getting to escape from this.....wish I was with him:)
3. I am thankful for my kids and Joe's health.
4. I am thankful for extra provision right now.
That is all I got folks. Still mad. lol
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