Unrecognized

I had a rough couple of days.  Side effects haven't really changed but I guess my appearance really has. I don't wear a wig often at all.  I don't feel comfortable in it and when this all started I swore I would wear one everywhere.  I wear scarves.  Hats make my head hurt.  I guess in the last week or so, my eyelashes have  pretty much fallen out and my eyebrows have thinned dramatically. So when I wear the scarf, it screams cancer.  I look different.  So different that people don't recognize me.

I went into Schultz-my former school, where I worked for 3 years and had close friends.  One of my close friends (whom I have not seen since May) walked right up to me twice (even after I said her name twice) and did not acknowledge me.  At first, it stung.  Downright hurt my feelings that she didn't say hello, how are you, anything....and then I realized, she has no clue who I am.  My mouth fell open.  I was shocked.

Happened again at the high school, the same day, with two students that I used to be close with.  One was a kid I taught for 2 years straight and when he usually sees me he bear hugs me, makes a big scene.....but this time when I called his name he looked at me like I was a complete stranger.  He had no recognition of me.  The other one was the same.  Needless to say I cried all day.  All weekend.  I don't write this for pity.  This is just the walk I am on and my appearance is part of it.  When people I know and love don't recognize me-it hurts badly.

I am usually strong and don't let it bother me for the most part.  I know it is all temporary, although comments about that don't comfort me.  I don't really realize how much I have changed on the outside until I have one of these experiences or until I go to chemo and see one of my fellow patients who is on the same protocol looking dramatically different.  I kind of stop and wonder...."Hmmm....they look different-I bet I do too."  It is such a slow process sometimes I don't notice.