Flight or Fight

Ever feel like you have that need for escape?  I have that right now.  I get it from time to time.  I pace.  I grumble.  I pace some more. Usually when I get like this I tell Joe I need to take off to the farm or something and I take a couple of days off. Usually once or twice a year.  But since we are down to one vehicle and doing chemo that it is impossible, thus making me feel more trapped. 

My good attitude kind of took a turn a couple of days ago.  Something small set me back.  I am trying to turn it around again but it has really gotten me in a funk again.  I hate that we can not go on our vacation this year.  We didn't schedule it for money reasons and I am so glad we didn't try to do it now with the cancer crap but it would be nice to stick my toes in white sand and feel that wind come off the water. 

Money

I know I am NOT supposed to be worried about money but I am.  I am the one that does the bills.  I am the one that sends the checks (if we really write out real checks anymore) and I WORRY.   College, chemo, adoption, medical (they are all very slow to roll in but I know they are coming-like a thief in the night, they are coming sometime).....they  all worry me.  WORRRRRRRYYYY!  Joe is signing up for every assignment he can to get overtime so I know he is worried too. 

I have prayed and given it back to God.  I keep doing this.  So don't tell me to do that.  I am.  It just keep rearing it's ugly head. 

Happy Anniversary Joe!

If I was to tell you this love story, I could skip to the “And they lived happily ever after” but it bears telling….how a young prince captured a mature princess’s heart.  This is a real love story.

One night at a ball, the princess was tired of all the wanna –be-princes.  Some of them couldn’t even dance.  Pitiful, she thought. She spotted a tall prince in the corner and asked him to dance.  A daring move for a princess but she was determined. Besides she had been slaying dragons alone for quite some time, asking someone to dance was nothing.  The prince swept her off her feet and danced across the ballroom.  She was impressed.

The prince, of course, was devastatingly handsome but he was only 21, barely old enough for a crown so he wore a cowboy hat.  The princess had already been married once and had a young son of her own.  Her heart had to be mended and since she was a bit older than the prince, he pursued her valiantly and honorably.  In a simple wedding and without inviting much royalty at all, he married her in 9 swift months raising her son as his own. 

Their kingdoms were actually pretty poor in riches and jewels.  The prince and princess decided to have two more children, a son and daughter.  (Her kingdom duties were given up rather quickly.) He liked slaying dragons and arresting villains on pennies pay. So they decided to live as peasants and were happier that way.  They enjoyed their modest castle on the cul-de-sac with other children running amuck and decided never to leave Richland Court.   Sometimes they would look across the street at the pink flamingos in the lawn, basketballs and bikes all over the street and count their neighbors as their many blessings. 

One day, the princess presented a rather odd idea-to adopt a child from another kingdom.  The prince took this in stride in his usual loving nature and they added a son to their tiny castle.

From distance lands, another leader asked the prince to serve him and the family made the decision to leave their castle on Richland.  Bigger dragons and villains needed attention, the valiant prince took the position and sadly, they left their neighbors on Richland. It took several years but the prince and princess finally found a castle between Bravery and Fearless and made their home there.  They even decided to add another daughter to their family.   Even when the princess was accosted by nasty ninja warriors, the prince and the children surrounded her and fought them off….dragging them to their very doom. 

Still living on pennies and slaying dragons, the prince and princess grew their large family into a loving family.  The princess still smiles when she remembers the night she asked the handsome prince to dance.  Happy Anniversary Prince Charming.

Chemo education

Chemo is broken down into 2 parts.  I call it the intense round and the rough round.  The intense round is half way done!  Yeah....I only have 2 more to go.  July 2 and then one more.  It is a double whammy. Two chemo treatments in one, followed the next day by the white cell count booster shot.  Now before you say, "Oh....poor CeCe" ..... I chose this route. I could have done an easier route and dragged it out 4 or 6 more weeks and no booster but this was faster and more aggressive.  We all know how patient I am.  (Not) And I am like a bulldozer when I want something done, hence, the fast method.  But it is a kick butt treatment in theory.  Tumor is already shrinking. And my white blood cell count is stellar. 

The second half of this is Taxol.  Now Taxol is a "lighter" chemo.  (I find the word "light" kind of funny) But it's side effects are different.  So I am not sure how I will react to this.  It is shorter (takes 1 1/2 hours to take versus the 3 1/2 hours that my rounds take now).  But I could lose my toenails, eyelashes (I think I am already losing this!), eyebrows and still feel like crap.  This is for 12 rounds.  Sounds fun, huh?  Strange thing is I am looking forward to meeting Mr. Taxol. Just because I hear the fatigue is lighter.  We will see. 

This is just the chemo portion.  I haven't even tackled the surgery or radiation....can't go there yet.  Mostly because until we see how chemo shrinks the tumor, I don't know what kind of surgery I will have.  

What is thankful??? Do you know?

Six weeks ago I had NO understanding of the word “thankful”.  Oh sure, we like every other Christian and non-Christian family, threw the word around a lot, especially at the dinner table or when something went our way, but really I had no concept of what I really had until now. 

Six weeks ago, I was not thankful that I was in stellar health or that my kids were pretty healthy.  There is a broken arm here, trip to neurologist about migraines there but for the most part, my kids were healthy and so was I. 

Six weeks ago I would stare into the mirror and lament that my hair was not straight enough, dark enough, long enough, etc.  I didn’t not appreciate the fact that I had hair to begin with.

Six weeks ago, I was not particularly aware that I had the best husband I could have.  I knew he was wonderful, don’t get me wrong.  But we had never been truly tested (except for our adoption of Isaiah…that was a baby one though) and therefore I didn’t know how the man would stand up under pressure. 

Six weeks ago, I looked at our finances and grumbled.  Saw one credit card (under $500) and some minor bills and thought “Oh, we are in debt!”  I pretty much spent what we got and then felt bad afterwards.  We had enough to get by and I barely saw that as a blessing.

Six weeks ago, I never even thought about medical insurance.  We have pretty good insurance.  I never thought I would see one surgical bill (before insurance) hit $14,000 and that was without any other services or meds.  Staggering……insurance is like gold!

Six weeks ago I would not have believed you if you would have told me my teenage son would drop his summer to take care of my youngest and become an adult rather quickly.  I was clearly not thankful for the man he was about to become. 

But here we are six weeks later.  I have cancer.  It is treatable.  But it is still cancer.  My hair is gone.  The tumor is shrinking.  We keep getting these long, lengthy, itemized insurance pages, which are not bills but they warn you, “Hey we covered all of this….are you aware there are bills that will follow?”  My hair is gone.  My husband is rock steady. My five healthy kids are rallying around me like the Indians are running full speed at the wagon.  My oldest son has matured into a man of God right before my eyes.  My hair is still gone.  Did I mention this?  Still having a problem with this partJ  But I am thankful.  Thankful that God allows me to live when I don’t deserve it.  Thankful that I have all these things when I clearly don’t deserve them either.  Six weeks ago I was oblivious but not now. 

And by the way, I am in kick ass mode now……

Weekend

Not much on the horizon for the weekend.  Tonight, I feel like I have been hit by a small bus.  So I am not sure what Joe is going to do with the kids but I am doing nada!  Joe is taking most of the kids to an Astros game while me and Cass decline gracefully.  (Not our thing) Sunday, nothing.  My kind of weekend. 

That last hurdle

Well, tonight in the shower my hair came out in waves....it was a weird feeling. I am going to shave it off tomorrow.  Just because I can't have it in patches.  Looks weird.  For those sweet friends that have said things like they would shave their heads for me-please don't.  I can't explain it but it was triple this trauma for me.  DON'T.  There have been some seriously darling people that have offered and although the sentiment is sweet-don't.  It is hard enough going through this with my own hair but if I cost someone theirs it would make me feel worse.  I know on tv or on the news it looks like a great idea but not with me. 

I am dealing with cancer in my own way-honestly.  I know it may ruffle feathers.  But honest is a whole lot more real than pretending.  I am doing ok.  It is a temporary thing.  Doesn't mean I have to like it.  lol

Morning is always better

I woke up about 3 am because my scalp hurt.  Couldn't figure out why.  Weird. Took a shower and it feels better.  So I feel better. I have an 8 am meeting with my writing mentor and I am out the door.  Life goes one.  I told you it would take me one day of crying my fool head off and then I would get back to being normal.  Now, when all the hair falls out....we will see a repeat for a day I am sure but I am human. 

Sherry comes home tomorrow so that is great. 

more on hair:)

My fabulous hairdresser whom I adore is not to blame.  I told her to cut it super short-she did as clumps of hair fell of in her hands as she is brushing it out.  I am sure she was like "We should just shave it," but she didn't say it because she knows me too well. The girl has known me since high school and knew I would crumble into a million pieces right there on her floor. It is shorter than Tanner's and just longer than Ethan's and YES it is currently under a scarf and NO I am not wearing it out in public.  Short hair does not suit me.  Bald hair does not suit me. Pardon me for being blunt but black women are the only ones that can pull off bald hair.  It doesn't usually work for white women.  I don't care what anyone says.  Men can go bald.....not natural on a woman.

Joe asked me why I was taking this so hard. Aside from me worrying about him finding me attractive anymore (which he is quick to say I am beautiful, blah, blah)  I told him it was part of my identity.  Always has been.  Growing it long, coloring  it, covering up gray, curling it, straightening, etc.  Girls kind of dig their hair and now mine is pretty much gone. I thought when Claire cut it that it would magically stop falling out....uhhh....no it is like it gave it permission just to fall out at will.  Lol 

Hair....it ain't gonna make it until Thursday

I thought I could hold off until Friday before I pixie cut it but it is just falling out by the handfulls..not gonna happen. I think I am going to beg Claire to cut it sooner.  I had an appointment on Friday but by that time it may be in patches.......ewww.  Soooooo off it goes.  Bye bye vanity.  I hate you cancer.  REALLY hate you.  Don't care who thinks I should be noble about this I really hate you cancer.

Chemo #2 is done

Tumor has already SHRUNK!!!!  Praise Jesus.  MRI came back with negitive results.  We did a BRAC genetic test.  Please pray that is it NEGITIVE.  This makes a huge difference on what kind of surgery I end up getting.  Smaller surgery means smaller recovery time for me.  Please pray about this test. 

Friday I am go to the hairdresser-she is cutting my hair boyish-pixie short.  (Can't bring myself to shave it).  It is coming out by the handfuls. I am just trying to make it to Sherry's banquet with my own hair and then it can go.  Not sure that can happen.  We will see. 

Two more big chemos combos and then we start on the mean old Taxol for 12 weeks.  It will most likely take my eyelashes and eyebrows and maybe my toenails....I am trying to bargain with it but it does not listen.  Doesn't Taxol know that power of my persuasion????  lol

Hair

"It will grow back."  Those words don't help, by the way, when  your hair starts coming out.  Mine is "shedding" by the handfuls.  Today.... all of a sudden.  I hate it.  I know it will grow back.  Still sucks.

Romantic Dinner...kind of a fail

I took Joe out for a big dinner for Father's Day and our upcoming anniversary (although I think we need a re-do on that one).  Saltgrass was great.  But I could barely keep my eyes open.  Sooooo tired.  Tried to make conversation.  Really was not a great date.  Me, I mean.  All I wanted was a pair of pajamas and a soft pillow.  He could tell.  I hate that!  We did talk about our big 15th anniversary next summer and where we are going to go....highlight of the night.  Yawnnnn....going to bed now.

# 2 Chemo

# 2 Chemo is Monday. We have had pretty good responses from the kids about my fatigue which has been minimum I think in comparison to some people's I had heard about. Isaiah's behavior is out of whack right now, which makes me wonder if he is sick or we need to change something.  Hmmmm....

I feel bad for Joe though-I think he believes all I do is sleep in this one position in my bed. Our leather couches, although beautiful are not comfy at all.  He just happens to come home at the same time every day and my worst time is between 4-6.  I am exhausted but can't sleep so I lie down.  Yesterday he made some offhanded comment and I almost burst into tears.  It wasn't his fault that is just how he sees me.  But  it has only been 2 weeks and he is always saying stuff.  What happens when it is week 10 or 18?  I am up washing dishes, clothes, dealing with kids 3/4 of the day because it is summer and guess what they are ALL HOME!!!!!!  So by the time he gets home from work-I am wiped.  I just stomped upstairs and told  him I would get back to work and fold 3 loads of laundry.  Childish, I know, but I was tired of feeling like I had to justify being fatigued.  I am! I also have a string of other delightful side effects that I hate but you know-I am dealing with it.  My stomach feels like I have been run over by a truck but I'm dealing. 

On the whole I think I am doing much better- I put makeup on, I run errands, I keep up with most of the housework, I try to keep up with the kids, and (even though I am venting in this blog) my attitude has improved this week.  Areas I am still not doing well in-sleep (can't sleep without taking something), talking about cancer, and my stomach/fatigue. 

Fashion Show

I decided to bite the bullet and show the kids what the wigs and scarves looked like. I came out with the scarf first.  Watching Ethan's expression carefully because he is the one that has been the most upset over the potential hair loss, he said, "That isn't totally terrible."  Tried on wig from American Cancer Society-they all said, "It is ok, we can live with that one."  Tried on the long wig-hoots and howls from the peanut gallery......guess they didn't like it because I got comments like "throw back from the 80's".  Tanner shook his head politely. 

I tried to wear a scarf under one of the blingy baseball caps but it doesn't feel right and looks dumb.  Finally found a small scarf that works.  (You don't want bald head to show underneath but big scarves are too bulky to fit hat over). 

Ethan said he likes the hats and the scarves separately.  Hates the wigs.  (Surprised there)  Cassidy soothed my feelings over the 80's wig....i wasn't really hurt.  It was funny.  Tanner was the real critic I was listening to because he isn't a child.  He was pretty supportive over all.  Wig #2 he hated. 

Chemo #2 is Monday so I am just bracing myself because the hair will fall out after that one.  It is already "shedding" a lot more than usual.  I surprised Tanner when I said my eyebrows and eyelashes would fall out.  Ethan said, "YOU ARE NOT PAINTING eyebrows on, are you???????"  I told him no.  I didn't think so but I was going to do false eyelashes.  Funny the conversations you have to have with your sons!

Taking some time off...

I am taking some time off facebook.  I feel like my anxiety is rooted there.  So my experiment is to stay off for 2 days and see if I feel better. I am also screening my calls and emails too. 

Tanner is preparing to go to his senior trip to a beach house in San Diego.  Do you know how much I want to stick my toes in a sand pit and read a book right now?  I may get desperate and go to Galveston.  Alone.  We talked about Texas Tech.  It is becoming more real to me and to him. 

Cass is headed off to camp today.  Not ready for that.  She is my sweet, naive, darling girl.  Just want to keep her like that.  She is still fighting what the doctor called pre-pneumonia.  One lung is kind of crackly.  But they doubled up her antibiotics and she is determined to go to camp.  No fever for a week.

Ethan is prowling about the house bored already.  He needs a job.

Ike's behavior until this week had been angelic.  All of a sudden he has twisted off. If I was a betting gal I would bet he is sick.  His Kinder teacher can usually spot it better than I but he usually acts weird before we figure out that he is sick. Go figure. 

Joe and I sat on our porch for about an hour last night in the driving rain (well, we were dry:) and just talked about stupid stuff.  Did wonders for my mood and attitude. Best I have felt since May 17.  Bring on the rain!

Announcement

It wasn’t exactly a secret.  We were waiting on some timing issues.  First, we were waiting on some legal ends to be tied up, then on Tanner’s graduation to pass and then my world was totally rocked with the news that I had cancer, so our joyous announcement was delayed from shouting from the rooftops!   Most of you have noticed a young lady in all of our Facebook pictures.  She is 13, blonde, beautiful, intelligent, talented and so thoughtful.  Her name is Sherry.  The big news is we adopting Sherry and we could not be more blessed or pleased.  We haven’t gotten to tell everyone we wanted to before it has gotten leaked here and there so I thought I better make it official here. 

Time table is still up for grabs with courts and what-not, but over the summer by the school year she will move in completely.  After that it could take 6-9 months to make it final.  If it happened yesterday, it would not be soon enough for us.  Joe and I are over the moon at having another daughter fill our hearts. 

Some of you may be concerned that we are taking on a lot with me going through chemo treatments but this is a quote from my wise husband.  “God knew you had cancer before we ever started adoption proceedings with Sherry.”  God knew.  He knew I had cancer and He still made it all fall into place against great odds.  So we are trusting Him.  We love her and that is that. 

Since my children share this announcement, if there are any concerns, please address them privately.  Any positive comments are appreciated.  We just wanted to make sure all our bases were covered for all involved before we said anything.   I can say with complete love and assurance that Sherry belongs with us and we are lucky to have her. 

Life

Life must go on.  Sheets must be washed.  Towels must be folded.  And apparently swimming is a must for Isaiah sooooo off we go.  Yes, I am taking my anti-nausea meds in tow this time!

Dodging phone calls and facebook at times

Sorry I am still dodging some calls and posts.  I can only hear positive stuff.  Which 90% have been after people starting getting the message from my tone or something that I can not handle negitive.  But still I have been getting the long stories of how Uncle so and so died from his chemo treatments, some reaction....but oh i am sure that won't happen to you.  These kinds of stories really send me into panic as I am headed into my first chemo treatment.  Until a month ago I thought all chemo was the same-there are like 20 different kinds so swapping stories about all the horrible things your chemo did to you doesn't help either unless you have the exact same chemo I have.  I have 3 friends that have that.  3 is not a lot.  I have 3 combos of chemo-Adriamycin (Red Devil), Cytoxan and then later Taxol.  They are particularly unfriendly combos but they have to be used to get the job done.  I know loving friends would love to see me go another route like use hormone therapy or HERT2 therapy but that isn't an option with my kind of cancer.  I can't use supplements or special vitamins or diets that might interfere with the Red Devil I take in one of my combos...so no use in trying to tell me to take that.  Sorry, just get tiresome.

A weekend to remember

I didn't cry at my son's graduation.  Didn't even get teary-eyed.  Guess it was because I was so overjoyed that I was well enough to attend it.  It was also not lost on me that this was my last weekend before chemo.  My last weekend of hair for a while, last weekend of normalcy, and last weekend of laughter of fatigue-free-chemo-driven life....and to top it off Tanner walked across the stage.  So I didn't cry. 

Tomorrow I start chemo.  I have to admit I am scared to death-more of the procedure itself.  Ethan has been quiet all weekend.  He is kind of my inner mirror, I think.  Whatever I am trying to hide, he openly reflects and I hate that he is looking so scared.  I can't get him to shake it. The rest of the family is kind of humming along, which I prefer.  But my heart gets locked on my middle child.  I hate to see him suffer. 

I have a wig, I have two scarves and two hats and lots of anti nausea stuff the doctor gave me (my triple chemo lends itself to nausea...great!) ....I guess I am ready for the chemo.  Are you really EVER ready for this though?  Just wake me up in October when its over.  Lol