Day One-Cancer

Sunday a week ago, I found a lump in one side, while changing clothes.  To make a long story short-by the end of the week, I had a mammogram, sonogram, ultrasound and an appointment with a surgeon within 4 days.  The surgeon did a core biopsy.  Actually 5 of them and sent them off.  The tumor is about 3 cm. in size.  He said it was “worrisome”.  I knew he was worried.  Yesterday, Monday, Joe and I met with the surgeon, Dr. Oswalt who had partial pathology results back.  The one thing we know is that it is cancer.  For sure.  Pathology is sending the biopsy off somewhere else to get more testing to see exactly what kind of cancer, what grade, type, stage and what treatment is necessary.  If it is exclusively breast cancer, my options are surgery (two different kinds/options) on next Tuesday.  If it is not contained…..we have a whole other course of treatment to follow.  I will probably do the surgery there in College Station because I trust my surgeon and then do treatments here in Cypress or MD Anderson. 

Emotionally, I am a wreck.  I feel like I have been given a death sentence.  No matter what people tell me I feel like that.  Either in the realistic way or the figurative way…it feels like that.  My youth and beauty (what I have left at age 43) will be gone-stolen or my very life by something spreading through me.  So it is a hard for me to pray right now.  It is hard for me to be thankful or to quote scriptures or any of that.  Although I know God loves me and has a plan…still hard for me to hear it when I am walking through the fire.  Frankly, I am a little pissed off.  On the other hand, Joe had to tell our kids.  I watched each one of them handle it differently.  The oldest kind doesn’t display emotion. My daughter was instantly the little mother hen.  My middle one was all over the place-wanting to know if I was going to die, will I be different, will I be able to be normal….all things I can’t answer yet.  The youngest doesn’t know anything is going on and brings me airplanes and asks how to bomb stuff-normal stuff.   I stayed up until about 11 trying to reassure my middle kid that I was not going to die.  I was calm, eerily so.  Totally not what I have been all day yesterday. 

If you are around the kids-please treat them normally-don’t bring me or my health up unless they do.  I want them to have school and sports as a normal zone.  My middle one could not face school today. 

I find out Thursday or Friday the rest of the results.  I am praying for stage 0 or 1 but as large as the tumor is I know that is unlikely.  I am praying that is contained.  Funny, just this weekend I was praying that it was NOT breast cancer and not I am praying that is JUST breast cancer. 

(I am not trying to be hateful with this next part but here it goes….)There are people out there that will criticize me for saying what I feel online or in writing….I don’t care.  You know I don’t censor writing. I am a transparent person by nature. If you would like to trade places-by all means take my place and then you can be noble and try being silent.  Cancer is NOT silent.    I will come out swinging as soon as we know what we are dealing with exactly but for now I am in no man’s land….so lost.    I am worried about leaving my 4 kids without a mother.  I am worried about Joe.  I am worried about being less of myself after treatment.  I am worried about affording all the treatment and I am worrying about the enemy winning.   I am fighting the urge to drive to the nearest beach and plant myself in the sand for a few weeks.  Maybe sleep for a month but cancer will still be there when I wake up.