Christmas

I am a bit blue tonight, thinking about Christmas.  Unspoken concerns go with holidays for cancer patients.  I asked my doctor why Thanksgiving was so hard on me?  I practically cried through the whole thing. (Of course no one knew because I am the great pretender and I did it privately)  I didn't understand.  She explained (and honestly) that EVERY holiday  is hard on a cancer patient.  There are expectations for you to forget, to play nice, to be cheerful, etc.  and there is the unknown. She says almost 99% of her patients hit walls when it comes to Thanksgiving and Christmas and other significant birthdays.  I guess I agree with her.

I look at Christmas and lament over what I could have done better.  What will the kids remember from THIS Christmas?  Is it Jesus?  Is it that I gave one kid more presents than the other by mistake? And yes, the expectations thing…..it is so there. I know my kids expect me to act like I don't have cancer.  I know my husband really likes the whole Pollyanna thing.  I really feel like sleeping all the time.  Yes, I know this is a sign of depression. Just throwing it out there.

One huge blessing is Josh.  A long time ago I was a parent to a young man that lived in my home for a short time. I loved him but I always felt like I failed him. He left and lived his life. All of the kids I saw in my classroom, I tried to pour out love to them because of Josh. I could not contain sobs of joy as I he sat with my other 5 kids last Sunday and Christmas Eve.  I feel like God is telling me "See, I turn all things to good, with or without your efforts."  Josh is a huge comfort today.

Thank you God for giving me the gift of your Son.  Thank you for my 5 kids and wonderful husband.  I choose Joy even when I have nights like this .  Happy Birthday Savior of mine!

Door 3?

Joe and I were braced for really bad news after the Petscan/Catscan.  And we were ready for great news.  Remission.  When the doctor came in she gave us the news that if she looked at the Catscan-she would declare "remission".  Petscan still shows the nodule in my right lung. It almost looks normal.  The "heat" of the cancer is down to 2.5 from 5 or 7-this is HUGE praise.  God has for sure answered my prayers and all of your prayers.

We asked a bunch of questions.  Xeloda will work only so long and then we will switch to another combo drug, and then another.  Remission does not last with my kind of cancer, according to statistics.  So when we got in the truck, I asked my husband, "Is it just me or are you conflicted with  your feelings on the results?  Thankful but doubtful?"  He replied that he was expecting Door #1(bad news) or Door #2 (Remission) but hadn't consider a Door #3.  Me either.  He hit it right on the head.

If you ask medical experts they will caution me.....rejoice but don't get too comfortable.  I think this is a test.  God answered my prayers.  I have a choice.  Either hang on every word the doctor says and pin my hopes on her answers to my questions or trust that Jesus is working.  It may not be to my timing or to my end result but He is in control.  Not doctors. I am choosing to look away from statistics and look toward the small miracle we saw today.  It may be temporary.  But it may not.  Door #3 is-God has the last say-ALWAYS.

Honesty

My next scan is on November 8.  (Brain/body) I am anxiously awaiting the results of that test even before it has been given.  My prayer is that doctors can't find any cancer-anywhere.  To have it so gone (and never to return) they can't explain how it happened.  But I will also be thankful for just staying where it is and being smaller.  No spreading to liver, brain or bones.

I look at my future and I sometimes feel cheated.  Joe and I had so many plans.  Plans to move. Plans to retire together and have a place in the country after the kids all move away.  Plans for grandchildren, weddings of our kids, graduations and now, nothing is certain.  In actuality, nothing is certain with or without cancer but I sure prefer the illusion that there is a pattern of things.  Kids grow up, get married, grand kids follow, you die in the end with a very full life, etc.  So, yes, if I am being honest I feel like I have been cheated because if you listen to medical statistics-that might not happen for me.

I am thankful for every second I have with my family, so please don't send me emails or messages saying "Be thankful" or "Don't worry about any of this." and "Put this in God's hands."  (Yes, I get them-all the time!) I am just being really honest.  Not mad at God. I trust Him, even if He doesn't cure me this side of heaven. Not greedy.  I want to stay with my family.  Is that so wrong?  If I had my way, all 7 of us would just go together when we were all old and gray with grown grandchildren to boot. It would be like one family reunion. But that doesn't happen.  Someone has to go first.  That is a scary thought.

 God is OK with me being honest.

Angels and Us

God created angels are separate beings from us. The theory is that they are fluffy, cuddly creatures in white with big poofy wings.  They are not.  In the Bible it describes them as WARRIORS. Yeah, kick ass types.  Not to be trifled with.  Other descriptions are messengers-still pretty scary because people hide their faces from looking at them.  Read some of these random descriptions of angels.
Exodus 3:2

And the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush. He looked, and behold, the bush was burning, yet it was not consumed.

Matthew 1:24

When Joseph woke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him: he took his wife,

Matthew 16:27

For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done.

Revelation 8:5

Then the angel took the censer and filled it with fire from the altar and threw it on the earth, and there were peals of thunder, rumblings, flashes of lightning, and an earthquake

Revelation 12:7

[ Satan Thrown Down to Earth ] Now war arose in heaven, Michael and his angels fighting against the dragon. And the dragon and his angels fought back,

Just to be really clear-when I die I will not be an angel.  It doesn't promise that in the Bible.  Nice thought but no-I won't.  I was no angel here on earth and I certainly won't be one in heaven.  Do I have an angel who protects me or looks after me?  Certainly. Do I want to look at his face-nope, I am a scaredy cat!   When I go to heaven I will be there for one purpose-worship the Lord.  I would love to think I would be watching out for my kids, but I don't know if my job will entail that.  I do know that my 5 children have a warrior assigned to them.  I trust God to supply that for them.  I don't have a flaming sword anywhere.  (unless I look in Ike's closet-might find one there:)

County Fair

We have the county fair next week but really anyone that has kids that show animals-KNOWS it doesn't actually start on Sunday-it really starts in April (with goats) and late summer with Rabbits. Lots of prep work goes into animals.  Clipping, feeding, grooming, water and lots of daily driving.  (MONEY!) It is worth it when they go to auction.  That is how my kids are saving up for their living expenses for college and a car. So it DOES pay off WHEN/if they go to auction.

I think my kids have forgotten that I am taking chemo. Chemo wipes you out on a regular day.  And my lovely side effects don't help matters. When you add running back and forth to goats (they don't live in our back yard-ten min drive each day), helping them work them and rabbit stuff plus you add in football practice, violin lessons, middle school homework (which will be another post!) and rehearsals for choir, etc....this MOMMA IS TIRED.

Some friends say "Well, you don't have to be out there at fair, let Joe do it."  Our family doesn't work like that. Do you KNOW me?  lol  I organize everything, keep the kids on track, get them where they need to go-besides I deserve to see them accomplish things.  I put in half of the work!  Joe has a full time-very demanding job.  When he gets home, he is running with us the whole time. I am blessed to have a man who does his part with the kids.   What WILL HELP is when Sherry gets her licence to drive!!  WHOOOHOOO.

I know next week will be full throttle school/county fair.  I will probably be crying by Wed. but I am will be doing a happy dance when (please LORD!) the kids stand at the auction and people bid on those goats and rabbits.  Come out to the Waller County Fair-Tuesday/Thursday and Sat.  It is something we look forward to (and dread on some levels) every year.  It is a LOT of hard work for all of us.

Trenches

My battle trenches are deep.  Cancer dug them for me.  I try to dig out.  I try to fight the good fight but sometimes it gets dark within the trench walls.  Jesus shines a light. I can choose joy or misery will choose me.  I have to remind myself of that about 100 times a day.  Inside these trenches is hopeless, despair and fear.  It is just where Satan wants me.  Afraid.  Scared to try to have a life. Afraid to plan.

But God wants me to look up, out of my trench into the sun, even into the stars.  He wants me to focus on the Light-always, not my circumstances. I say these words and I know I fall short of following them. He doesn't care-He still commands me to find joy.

Glass House

My boys will be fourth generation Aggies if they decide to go to Texas A&M.  In our house there is a lot of talk about our very young quarterback. I have looked at the media, the fans, and even the people that want him to fail.  After watching the chaos on ESPN and social media, I have come to one conclusion.  

If you are looking at a man (or woman) to be a role model, you will be disappointed at some point. Sure, we need an example, but a human is not it.  Men are fallible.  They fall. They stumble. They make mistakes and, nowadays, in front of the whole world if you have a camera turned on them.  Many people crave the attention. Some people dodge it. Some should. 

Don’t look at any athlete or Hollywood icon to give your children examples to follow.  The Bible points to ONE.  Jesus.  He is the only example that will never fail or disappoint. If your focus is on him, your life morphs into purpose, grace and honor. Place your focus elsewhere and you will be broken with the world’s lies, deceit, and disillusion.  

Romans 3:23-for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  This means a quarterback, a starlet, teachers, parents, police officers, a President.  This means me. I try not to throw stones because I have one BIG glass house, if you get my drift. 

Heaven Conversation

"Mommy, what if I get to heaven and you're not there yet? I might be scared." This is the conversation I dreaded most about cancer.  Ike brought it up out of the blue as I tucked him in (a job usually Joe does-not me) His eyes welled up with tears.  He was serious and after an answer.

Me: You can sit with Jesus and wait for me. But waiting in heaven is not like here on earth. You might ask Jesus "Where is my mom" and I would be there in a flash. 

I kind of acted it out with mock conversation.  

He giggled but only briefly.  

Ike: "What if you can't find me there?"  

Me: The minute I get to heaven, Jesus will show me.  But you'll be so busy that you won't notice time or where I am.  

Ike:  "What will I be doing?"  Singing, dancing, playing and all to honor the King on the Throne.

Ike: "If you get there before me, just wait." 

I really tried not to cry. This came out of no where. Cass almost said the exact same thing when she was about five. I told him I would wait until he is holding my hand again.  

Ike held on to my hand for a long time.  "I love you with all my heart and kisses."

Yes, this is what motherhood really is-teaching them about Jesus and their eternal home. 

To add to this, the conversation went a little south with questions like
Are there animals in heaven?
Are there bounce houses in Heaven?
Do you think dinosaurs live there too?

How big is an angel?

Remembered

A 19 year old friend of my oldest son wrote something that I have been thinking about a lot the past year.  How do I want to be remembered?  I could say all the nice things you always say about someone when they go to heaven (if that is where they are headed) but I prefer to be brutally honest about the person I am.

How do I want to be remembered?
I am a sinner. I made mistakes.  A lot of them.  I love Jesus and am saved by His mercy and love but I still sin.  It is called being human.  I get mad. Often. Mad that I was given cancer. But in the same breath, I trust God and will praise Him whether I am cured this side of heaven or the other.  I will not be an angel when I die.  He has enough-I will probably be put in charge of getting people to do stuff.  Clean the gardens or something. Ha ha  And when I get to heaven, I get a new body.  I'm looking forward to this.  If I look like a me version of Beyonce-I am OK with that.  And I want to be able to sing like Carrie Underwood, all day long for my Jesus.

I am a mom of 6.  Yes, I said 6.  I lost a baby when I was about 24, and I count him.  I love my kids like a Momma tiger, tough on them when they need it, prowl around them when they need to take care of business, curl up with them when they are wounded and fight like hell for them when they are backed into a corner.  I won't hesitate to rip someones heart out if they hurt one of my babies.  Ask the kids.  Lol


I am a wife of the best man on this earth.  I am a teacher.  I love the underdog kid in the classroom-the one that no one can get to do anything.  I like them.

I don't sensor anything for anyone, but I'm polite.  I have manners.  I gave up trying to please people a long time ago.  I try to please my husband and my Lord.  That is it.


I am creative. But not a real artist. I wish I could paint what is in my imagination. I am not adventurous by nature.  Water slides and roller coaster are NOT my friends.  I am a writer.  I have dreams.  Many of them.  One of which is to be published.  Here's another line of bull I am about to take aim at-I don't want to be published for fame, or just to see my words on paper.  I want to see a paycheck:)  OK, that is honest enough. I just want to provide for my family. If I had my way, I would live at the beach and write on the porch every morning.

Ask yourself how you want to be remembered.  If it isn't exactly a stellar picture when you think of this-change it.

HUGE NEWS-update

My Catscan was not there, at first, when I got to Dr. Fleener’s office.  She had to light a fire under a radiologist’s rear end.  Even when it came in, she called to make sure she was reading the scarce results correctly and then asked if she could speak to another Dr. to read them because she was not satisfied with “lazy” reporting:)  She and three other women prayed over the fax machine as the new report was faxed over.  This is WHY I insist on staying with this oncologist!  

My Catscan shows one nodule remains!  One in my right lung-the rest are GONE.  Even the tiny ones in my left middle lung-are no more. If you don’t realize what a miracle this is-you should have seen the numbers or percentages they gave me originally and then echoed by MD Anderson.  I am not in remission.  But the one that measured 1.1 cm is still there and the rest have vanished.  (Guess living in the bathroom and scorched feet-paid off!)

In 12 weeks I will do multiple scans.  Just to cover all my bases.  I asked if we should do a pet scan or brain scan now-she said no.  Generally, if Xeloda is working (which I fall into the small percentage of people who respond to this drug) more cancer will not appear in “off sites”.  (Like bones, liver, etc) 

Although guarded, we are certainly taking this HUGE praise and running with it.  I have to stay on Xeloda (if I keep responding-long term).  I will go to MD Anderson and hope that my doctor there is as ecstatic as Fleener and her staff.  

God was all over this, whether I showed improvement or not.  I’m not out of the woods, by any means, but thankful.  Haven’t really showed emotion over this yet.  It might be because I had a total meltdown last night.....Satan was prowling and having a field day.  

Still stage 4-triple negative breast cancer BUT I will take this blessing for what it is.....”remarkable improvement” (quote from two doctors) and give Glory to my Lord.  

Catscan

My first catscan will be on August 12. Results on August 13.  A catscan vs. petscan was chosen because catscans measure size of tumors/nodules.  Petscans measure "hotness" of tumor or nodules.  As of May mine were kind of in the slight to medium range as far as "hot" tumors go.  The size/spreading is what we are worried about right now.

On August 12, if the scan comes back with the result that nodules have not grown, diminished or some go away, I stay on Xeloda.  (Drug #1).  Xeloda has been tolerable.  If the nodules have grown, multiplied or spread then I take drug #2 with Xeloda.  This changes everything.  I will have decreased quality of life.  So obviously we are praying for complete remission first, diminished or vanishing nodules second or at the very least-stable.

Please pray over my Catscan. My deepest prayer is that the cancer is gone-forever.  I know this is unlikely but I am still praying for that.  Depending on what is said on Tuesday, I may not be on Facebook that day. Silence is never a good sign from me.  lol

On the sunny side, I feel ok.  I don't feel like I have stage 4-triple negative breast cancer.  I am reacting to oral chemo but don't feel "sick" from the cancer. I have two oncologists-Fleener and one at MD Anderson (who I will see on the 19th).

Thank you for all of your prayers.

Carrie Underwood-dang it!

I was OK this morning.  Took my chemo pills, marched out the door for no less than 8 errands.  (ALL DAY!)  I thought I was doing great until I got a call from one of my many doctors.  He didn't know about the Stage 4.  His assistant was getting the low down on it so she could pass it along. Two kids were in the car, so I tip toed through the subject matter.  Most people would have just said "I'll call you back" but that means I actually have to, so I answered the questions. Then I dropped off one kid and Carrie Underwood's song "I'll See You Again" came on.

Bawled like a big baby while Ikester played with his leapster.  Seriously-it was a downpour.
The words struck me, hard. Glad the other kids weren't in the car.

So at the end of the day-I am in a real funk.  I don't care about writing (which I should since I have to be done in two days!), I don't care about dinner....just want to curl up and sleep.  I am determined NOT to let depression sneak up on me again.

Taboo Topics

For the most part, I am doing great.  The meds are ok.  Side effects are minimal.  But I hit a stumbling block yesterday and then again today.

Joe came home from Germany, fresh with information about fellow workers.  He shared how this person was building their dream home and this one was preparing for the dream retirement home in another state.  Really he was just chatting, catching up.  But I lost it-both conversations.  I finally told him, "I can't hear about other people (our age) getting to build their dream homes and preparing for retirement.  Not now."  It was kind of weird reaction.  Not sure he totally understood.

Hit out of left field.  Not my usual soft spot either.

Bucket List

Joe is flying off to Germany.  (Dang it!  I want to go) And I am here.  Ummm.  Making a bucket list of things I want to do before the New Year.  I told him to do the same and include things he wants us to do together (PG version:).

This week we have 4 pet sitting jobs.  The kids are going to rake in the money.  Even though sometimes it is a pain, I just remind myself they are learning how to work and it is a ton of money for them to put toward car/college.

Xeloda has been kind to me, so far.  Only 3 days of side effects and they were mild. Pray that in 6 weeks we do a scan and the cancer is gone, decreased or has not spread.  If so, I can stay on the easy meds and not move to the monster.

I am making a list of One Thousand Things I love and am thankful for.  I challenge you to do the same.  It is hard though, once you get past the first 50. Then you have to look toward little things that bring you joy.  I will try to post mine from time to time.

Life on Hold

Joe and I had a "date" in two nights ago.  We haven't been able to have a conversation since the beach. We put the kids to bed, locked the door and just talked about serious stuff and insanely goofy things.  (It is almost impossible for me to have a serious conversation without busting out some type of giggle fest.

One of my more serious questions was-How much of life do we put on hold?  We recently made the decision to not move if he gets the opportunity in this stage of my cancer.  I can't tell you HOW much I hate this idea. But I know Joe is right.

So how much more of our life do we put on hold or cancel? I don't feel sick right now  AT ALL.  I have some fatigue but nothing like I did last summer.  I am of the mindset that we just keep living life. But there are some things that take planning. I don't know how much to plan or not plan.

If you know me, the NOT knowing part of this kills me.  I am a planner by nature. Do I not plan vacations, Christmas, trips? I don't know.  I feel like I am waiting...but waiting for what?  Death, a cure, a symptom, a doctor to give me an itinerary of my cancer journey?  What exactly am I waiting on?

How do you plan?

I am reading this book called One Thousand Gifts.  It has changed my perspective on life, pretty much. I am just blessed to have one day-let alone more.  But one thing I kind of struggle with is how do you plan things?  I mean, do you plan things as if you don't have Stage 4 and just assume you will be well enough to go and do?  Some people say "Take one day at a time" and others say "Just live life like you don't have cancer."  Well, that is all fine and good if it is just one person involved.  But I have a family of 7.  Five kids and two adults.  So I can't just twiddle my thumbs and not plan anything.

Anyway, I am kind of stuck on that....do you plan or not plan?

Day 2

Day 2:

We usually have a system for the beach.  Go play at beach, shower off outside, and go to pool to make sure all the sand is off.  Then come back inside, take suit off INSIDE shower (sand is yucky in a house) and chill.  Repeat in a couple of hours until they drop in a bed.  I kind of have to stay on them.  Tanner sneaks out to the beach at odd times.  The rule is he leaves a note (where and who he might take with him).  Otherwise, he is grown-goodbye and have fun.  Usually someone tags along with him.  But I give freedom to my kids over 12 on the beach.  If they are younger than Tanner they have to have a buddy with them at all times.  Ike is not allowed out at the beach or pool without me, Joe or Tanner. I would probably count Sherry in that too.  

Cassidy and I usually sneak down to the beach early in the morning to hunt for shells.  Precious time.  Today she went with Joe.  I am slightly miffed.  Just kidding.  I slept until Joe made a huge noise in the kitchen.  

The beach was literally covered with tiny shells this morning.  Almost painful to walk across them.  They were beautiful just not nice to our feet.  It will be different tomorrow.  Everyday the beach looks different for some reason.  

The boys are plotting to rent a Kayak.  If you had asked me about this two years ago, I would have said it was too dangerous.  But now, I am very relaxed about it.  Just limiting them to the bay area-not ocean.  Tanner is a strong swimmer. The rest are “good” swimmers but I don’t know about strong.  I am still protective enough to insist on life jackets.  And sunscreen...always sunscreen.  (Not mentioning who did not put any on yesterday.....hmmmm)

Day One of Vacation

Adventures on our family trip...Day 1

As we are flying out of Houston and reach high altitude...this is the world according to Ikester.

Ike:  Daddy, is this heaven?  (Looking out of the window) He looked mighty disappointed.  

Five minutes later he drops something on the floor, Joe suggests that he take off his seatbelt and get it. 

Ike:  Are you nuts?  I’m NOT getting sucked out of this plane!

Looking out of the window, Ike:  Where are we going to land?  All I see is water! 

I took Ike to bathroom and yes, I have to stand in the tiny bathroom stall on the plane with him (I am slightly claustrophobic).  The only way I can stand is facing the door with my face practically pressed up against the door.  We hit turbulence (this does not concern Ike at all) and I grab his shirt (from behind my back).  Ike:  What are you doing?  You can’t help me!”  (Like I wanted to “hold it” or something.....ewwww) The door opens and the flight attendant is cracking up. 

A God thing....I met a lovely young woman named Barbara.  She and I chatted for the last 15 minutes of a very bumpy flight.  She talked about how she worked as a flight attendant for 10 years and now she works for Disney.  Barbara confessed that she had a fear of flying all of a sudden-she guessed it was because she had 2 kids now and a lot to live for.  I told her I had no fear now.  I had Stage Four Cancer-a lot to live for... in a bigger way.  At the end of the plane ride, before we got our baggage, she ran up to me and put a phone number in my hand.  “If you call me Mon-Wed. I will get your entire family in for free to Disney Land.”  She winked at me and said, “I learned a lot about life from you today.” I really liked her.  Don’t think I will go to Disney Land-not because I don’t want my kids to go there but because I have this wheezing in my left lung.  It reminds me I might not be a great Disney traveler. I hope I see her again one day.

Waiting for the rental car, it was early Sunday morning and no one was in the rental place.  A disclaimer needed-we were bored.  Sherry entertained us by turning graceful cart wheels in the long carpeted waiting room.  This was followed by half-round offs by Ethan and round off/flips by Ike with Cassidy and Tanner shaking their heads in embarrassment. Ok, I admit, this does not usually depict great parenting but Joe was taking a LONG time to check out the van.  Ike was on “no meds” and we were about to “dial up the crazy” sooooo when bored let them to cartwheels in front of strangers.

In the car toward beach, the kids are telling jokes.  Sherry must have said something about Helen Keller to which Ethan said, “Awww. Don’t talk about Helen Keller-that’s just wrong.”   Tanner said, “Why? It isn’t like she can hear you!”  Peels of laughter rip through the car:)

In Wendy’s at our lunch pit stop-I realized I was a bit stressed when I took Ike’s ADHD meds by mistake.  More laughter followed this mishap, but somehow I’m rather chilled out.  (Imagine Crush on the movie Nemo....not quite that chill but close.)

Driving to the condo, it looked like something out of a tropical paradise.  Very different than Navarre or Orange Beach (Alabama).  Lots of jungle type flowers, trees, and green....so beautiful.  The sand is called “black sand” and is also different than our other trips to Florida.  The sea is pea green and clear.  I think a storm is approaching.  We’ll see how long it lasts.  

 All of us were on about 4 hours of sleep or less so I am not sure how we had so much energy but the kids took off for the beach as soon as we got there. I had time to spray some of them down as they flew to the sand. I could almost hear them curse my wielding of the sunscreen.  Too bad.  Our second boogie board broke in Ethan’s face as he caught a great wave.  I think it was damaged on the flight.  (Joe replaced it during his trip to get groceries) Ike got more daring as we spent more time there and finally ventured into about chest deep water.  I had to show him where the “Do not disturb” areas where for turtle nests.  They are taped off like police tape.  Locals informed me that flashlights are not permitted at night because the turtles come up, lay eggs and then return to sea in the morning.  Guess I will be asked to go to the shore in the morning to find turtles fleeing their nests.  Hope they have been Ike-proofed.

Currently, it is 4 pm and three of the kids are passed out.  NOT Ike though.  He is prowling around looking for sweets.  (I am hiding the oreos) Ethan has retreated to my bed and is talking about baseball in his sleep.  Haha  “I’m on deck. Where are my batting gloves?” Yes, these are things I am laughing at as I type.  My boy would play baseball all year round and all day if he could.  

Precious Boy

I was wondering when the emotions would hit my middle son.  He is my barometer of my emotions.  Anything I was feeling (last round of cancer), pretty much showed on his face or his emotions like a mirror to my heart.  Last night he was deeply grieved and heartbroken.  It took about 45 min. of talking to get him to calm down.  But it broke my heart as well.  This is the part about cancer that I hate with a passion-dragging family through it.  If it was just me...I could almost handle it but dragging my kids through it AGAIN-ugh!

I had to ask him (and it killed me to do so), "Is there anything I can make for you or do for you that will help you remember how much I love you?"  He thought about it for a while and said "Make me a book of just me and you?"  (Shutterfly type)  He knows me so well.  I have pictures galore and words come freely for me.  So I guess I am making a book for him.  I told him, "Well you know I am going to make this book and then watch -I will live to be 80."  He laughed.  But he still wanted it.

His deepest concern was that no one can help him in school like me, no one listens to him like me, no one knows him like me.  I told him God knows his heart-talk to God first.  Find another adult he can trust.  I gave him several family members and Terri (our neighbor) but also named several people at his school that he could go to.  He said he felt funny about that.  (But I could tell he was considering the choices.) I told him my kids were in a unique position-since I worked for the district for 3 years, A LOT of people know me in each school and they will act like guardian angels around all of my 4 younger ones.

I pray God will provide him and the other kids people to confide in when I am sick.  It is a heavy burden for him to bear alone.

Bittersweet

My youngest daughter has been hanging on my every word, hovering like a nurse and crying. Daily.  I know everyone expects her to be the little nurse, and she is.  She is beyond her years in maturity.  We call her an old soul.  But today I asked her if she wanted me to re-enroll her in school for the last 4 days.  (She has been homeschooled most of the year)  She practically jumped at the chance.  I have to admit I was not surprised.  Cass has been dealing with very adult things all year and although homeschooling was a complete blessing to me and her, she had decided a week before I got diagnosed (or even scanned) that she wanted to go back to public school next year.  Today was her chance for the  escape pod. And she took it.

For me, it was like a sign of defeat, although she doesn't know that.  Like I am resigning to not being here for long.  But I know her going back tomorrow will provide her with a really strong dose of friends and other adults that do not have cancer.  For her this is a lifeline.  So with tears in my eyes I drove up to school to enroll her and submitted the paperwork.  We walked back to her favorite teacher and gave her the news.  Her teacher, of course, was happy to see her and was the perfect medicine for her. Cass beamed.

It was bittersweet.  This year of teaching her was my great honor.  Cass is a teacher's dream.  She is insightful, thoughtful and creative.  I wish I had the money to put that child in private school.  When I practically handed her over, I had this deep feeling of loss.  Homeschooling her was my deepest honor. I know it will mean a lot to her one day, like it does to me right now.

Diagnosis

I read my post from a year ago (almost to the day) of when I found out that I had breast cancer, and almost started laughing.  Wow-I was worried about that?  Compared to now, it is peanuts.  

Initially, (Last year) my diagnosis was Invansive Ductual Carcincoma Stage 2/triple negative.  After chemo and surgery, they pronounced me "cancer free"/clear margins.  I never really believed it.  I just didn't believe I was "done with it".  But I was thankful for the 3 months of cancer free/radiation free time.  

I went in for a routine catscan (of which I requested) 2 weeks ago and got that dreaded phone call back from Dr. Fleener.  She set me up with a Petscan, which resulted in a meeting with a surgeon to discuss a lung biopsy.  The scans showed lung nodules (several)-all small.  But present.  Lung biopsy was last Friday and it came back cancer.  Pathology was sent off-it came back Stage 4 Metastatic Carcinoma of the Breast/Triple Negative.  

After a heartbreaking conversation with Dr. Fleener we have a plan.  First drug treatment will start soon-3-4 pills 2x a day-XelodaI will do 2 weeks on, 1 week off and then scan at end of 9 weeks. If I respond, I will just continue this and pray for remission.  If not, I will pursue clinical trial meds in conjunction with a stable med.-probably through MD Anderson.  

No more radiation, surgeries-just chemo for the rest of my life.  It is "treatable". Remission is rare.  And if I go into remission it may be short lived.  

The kids have been told.  I would appreciate everyone to respect their privacy.  Nothing on Facebook unless it is privately to me.  If it is general, then it is fine but I am not going to answer questions on facebook walls.  

I will probably update this blog more than I will facebook.  Just because people that are truly interested will seek this out and others that are just on facebook for fun don't have to read it. Trying to be considerate of other's feelings. 

Please pray for complete remission/and or that I respond favorably to Xeloda.  I am still recovering from the lung surgery which was NOT fun.  Pray mostly for my husband and kids-who don't deserve this and don't have any say in this. 

On A Dime

In one day, your life can change on a dime. For the better-or worse. In one day, you can realize just exactly what is important and what is not.

Not important.....
bills, mowing the lawn, cleaning your house, decorating your kitchen, worrying about debt, worrying about something you should have dropped a long time ago, holding a grudge

Important....
finding shells on the beach with your little girl, watching your son steal second base, spying your oldest and youngest play Go Fish, and watching your middle two squeal with laughter as they wrestle over the dishes.

Important...
knowing heaven is a real place, telling your friends Jesus is the ONLY way there

The Second Time Around

I have been bracing myself since they announced “clear margins” for the second round of cancer.  I didn’t have to wait too long.  Only a few months. Now it is in my lungs-both of them.

While the terror is the same, my approach is different.  I will admit I cried for 2 days after the Catscan came back with lung nodules and I knew it was cancer.  But after we saw the surgeon and got a plan together, an eerie calm came over me.  It just is what it is.  That is all.  It is cancer. I can’t run from it, hide under the bedcovers or fall in a deep pit again.  

 For the past 6 months, God has been preparing me for a big change.  I assumed it meant moving sooner, than we thought, to D.C, but in reality, I guess it was this.  

Those of you that know me, know I don’t sugar coat things. (Although I am polite)  I won’t call it something that it isn’t. I am very transparent and you see what you get, basically.  

One thing I won’t do is hide from life- this time around.  There will days that I am sure I will want to. I told Cassidy in the Bible-David RAN at Goliath.  He ran at his enemy-even though the enemy was four times his height and more experienced.  He ran without hesitation.  That is how I am approaching this battle.  

My kids read this blog and my facebook page so I am careful with my words.  (I urge you to be careful with yours as well-feel free to private message me if it something you think I need to answer without young eyes) But I will not shy away pointing to the enemy and calling it by its name.  

I have never made a bucket list.  But here is my top 5 things I want to do this year:)

1. Go to the beach with my family
2. Have great pictures taken with my kids
3. publish this novel
4. pay off Tanner’s last 2 years of college.
5. Grow my hair out.  (I know-silly but I am a girl!)

A look back

I try not to look back. Cancer does that to you. But May 17th is creeping up on me and that was when I got my diagnosis.  This month I do the dreaded scan. I have lost one friend, LaDawn, to cancer since I started this and another is ill. When you have friends in the chemo ward, I guess that is to be expected but not easier to digest.

I hated every bit of my cancer.  A lot of people came  up to me and told me I would find blessings in it. I still can't choke that down. I know God was with me. I know who my real friends are now. I know my kids are brave soldiers....they stood in the face of a horrible storm. I know that I don't want to have cancer again.  Other than that-not seeing too many "blessings" in cancer.

My hair is about as short as my son's hair.  Not digging the short hair but at least it grew back. The eyelashes and eyebrows grew back in one week-right after my last chemo. Very weird.  My weight is still not a great subject. I will blame it on steroids and the chemo forcing me through early menopause.

Me and God are a tighter pair. I talk to Him more. If there is a blessing to be found, He would be it.

When people say, "Are you cancer free?" I balk at saying "YES!", even though doctors claim I am so far. In the back of my mind it lurks like a caged lion. It waits for the open gate to pounce through.  I don't think about it all the time, but at least once a day when I look at myself in the mirror or when I brush my hair. A survivor, Ilene, told me once that question is kind of a trick question. You are never really free of cancer.  But you can go on living. So although I avoid answering the question because I will never feel like I am totally done with the beast...I will go on living my life to please God.

If pleasing God means cutting ties, moving on, moving away, writing honestly, guarding my family more closely or cultivating my ministry for Him....then so be it. I am not living to please others anymore.  I used to tie myself in knots to make sure everyone wasn't offended. I love people-I love to serve them as God wants me to but I am not going to tip toe around the truth anymore.

Living doesn't mean "being happy", it means being "holy.  Not self righteous.  But living for Him.  It may not fit with today's "American culture" but I don't live under those rules. I want to follow what God says for me to do. Am I perfect?  Have you met me?  Um....no.  I am not perfect.  I am human. I am a sinner.  But He still loved me. Yes, I had cancer. Doesn't mean He didn't love me. Just meant I had cancer.

Twitter Life

To be a published author a writer can't just write well or creatively.  It isn't enough to be a Wilson Rawls or John Grisham. A writer must have beyond a wonderful novel.  Gone are the days of the publishing house doing all the work for you-setting up times and dates for you to be somewhere to sign books, etc. (If that time ever existed.)  Now it is all about networking-facebook, twitter, blogs.  Basically, creating a platform.

 I have received some questions about why I want more twitter followers at my age.  Good question.  If you have asked me this two years ago, I would have rolled my eyes and scoffed at the idea.  I am THIS close to finishing the first draft of my novel, The Storage Locker. Next step-find an agent and then a traditional publishing house. If you know me, I am extremely determined.  My mind is made up-this is to be MY year.

I have a lot of loyal friends and family out there, but I need "followers" beyond that as well if my foot is to get in the door. If you have twitter, please re-tweet my name.  It would help with the promotion of the platform I am trying to develop.

It is a Twitter Life out there.  Tweet me:)  Add me to your twitter....

CeCe Benningfield

@c6benningfield

  Let the re-tweeting begin.  

Giving up is not an option-a lesson for my child

My youngest daughter just had her first violin recital and did beautifully! She wakes up and does her violin practice UNPROMPTED before breakfast, skips to violin lessons, breezes through violin, and is hailed “excellent” and “advanced” by her teacher.  I preface this because she was dissolved into a puddle of emotional tears after her first recital claiming she doesn’t like violin and wants to give up lessons. Although this came out of no where after such a successful recital, I calmly listened and then I told her that committing to something is not without consequence.  If I let her give up when things were tough then she would string together a long list of activities to give up.    There is a time and a place to give up things but this is not the time, nor the place.

When you have given it your all and a long enough time to figure out whether it is really for you-then maybe giving something up is ok. But music is at least a one year-two year long commitment in my opinion, especially when you are GOOD.  I told her I didn’t care about recitals or performances.  If she wanted to skip the next one, that is fine.  We could negotiate recitals, but lessons are another matter.  Quitting disappoints me, her teacher, her Dad and frankly, in the end herself.

God wants to see us keep our promises. I also explained that riding something out is something that is not encouraged in our culture.  

Honestly, if you quit the little things you might think it is ok to quit the big things.  

It might be a stretch... but violin one day, dance lessons the next, your church the next, your marriage, your family, etc.  If it gets too hard  you can just find another activity to replace it with, right?

She wiped her tears and said, “So in other words, Cowboy Up?” 

“Yeah, pretty much, honey.”

 I told her in August we would re-evaluate, but to be warned, I would push her to do another year.  My daughter smiled and said, “Well, can I get contacts then?” (Way off subject, but glasses and contacts always come up when we talk about jr. high) I told her this was up for negotiation and would depend on how she committed to other things.  

“Oh, so if I keep doing violin, I get contacts?”

That girl!  Anyway, drama diverted.....lesson learned? I hope so. 

What I have learned about cancer!

Today is my last radiation treatment.  Last treatment-period.  I thought I would sit down and write what I have learned about cancer.  If you have a friend with cancer, in the future, it might be eye opening to read.  I don’t speak for all cancer patients, just me, but I have learned a lot of lessons the hard way.  So here it is-what I know about cancer....

1. Cancer treatments take a long freaking time!  Mine started in June and ended Jan. 15.  Lesson: There is still basketball practice, baseball, soccer, homework, carpool, work, groceries, errands to run and cancer treatments.  Some people are not affected by the treatments as bad as others.  My side effects were pretty bad at times. After everyone goes on with their lives, you are still in the trenches-with kids, family, a life, but in the trenches.  
2. Cancer is lonely.  Never let your friend got through chemo every week or every other week alone.  The chemo lab is filled with a lot of VERY sick people, white stark walls, IV drips and hours of time to think about horrible things.  Don’t let them sit there wondering where their families or friends are.  Get together with the family or a bunch of friends and divide up the sessions.  Arrive in the middle of chemo with lunch or something.  Anything. Don’t leave that person to sit there alone when other patients have family, sometimes multiple people, sitting with them.  Even if you have to watch them sleep-go.  Be there. 
3. Cancer is exhausting.  Meals are great but if your friend has kids, this is where the real need is, I promise you!  I have five.  My oldest son was the source of stability for them when I was going through the first half of my chemo and it was summer.  I can’t tell you how much it pained me to see the kids trapped in the house all summer with no escape.  Call your friend.  Ask them if today is a good day to get the kids for a few hours.  Yes, that means all of them-especially the one that is hell of wheels.  Someone had to say, “What is a good day to get the kids this week?  How about now?” Take them overnight if your friend will allow.  But take them!  Hiring someone to clean your friend’s house, as the treatments drag on, is another way to really support that person.  Boots on the ground....that is what your friend needs.           
4. Cancer is an adult thing.  Kids need to have a life. During treatment, ask to keep your friend’s children or watch them.  I was blessed to have two special girlfriends that helped out.
5. Cancer is ugly.  If your friend looks like hell, they are probably feeling like hell too. Even if they are silent.  Let them sleep.  Yes, this might mean taking the kids out of the house or letting them have an extra day off of work but sleep does a lot for a patient.  Our bodies are, for a better word, battered from the disease and the treatment.
6. Cancer is expensive.  I was blessed to have high school friends and friends in general that rallied around us early on.  I am very thankful for that.  In some cases, cancer can effect your job, or your ability to work at all.  It effects everyone so differently.  
7. Cancer separates you from life.  Other than running my kids from place to place after chemo (and most of the time ON the day of chemo) and radiation, I didn’t see many people.  It leads to darker things-depression, sadness and a yearning for fellowship.  Sometimes it is because the patient feels like they look different or they just feel like crap-whatever the reason, isolation becomes a silent enemy.
8. Cancer has a friend-Satan.  Satan likes to pal around with cancer. The devil’s job is to whisper dark thoughts in the patient’s head like, “You know you’re going to get this again, right?”  or “No one really cares about you.  If they did, they would be here.” or “This is going to kill you.”  Your friend that has cancer is probably too sick and too weak to fight him off.  You need to step forward.  Not only pray over your friend but proclaim to them that all of these lies are LIES.  Speak words of encouragement.  Laugh with them.  The best way to beat the devil is to shine Light on him.  Prayer is great.  Again the boots of the ground method is what most people really want-prayer and physical presence to beat the enemy who whisper in the dark.
9. Cancer defines who your friends really are.  It takes away time, beauty, youth, parts of your body and your energy, but when it wipes away friendships-that is unneeded.  There is no need to lose friends.  I lost many and gained some from unusual places.  It is sad.  Think about who you call your friend....if they are sick-you should show up.  Call, write, something....staying silent equals “I don’t really care about you” whether that was your intention or not. 
10. Cancer shows you that there is a choice.  We all die.  Where is your eternity?  Heaven or Hell.  Nothing will shape that question up like having cancer.  I know I chose Jesus about 14 years ago, so with His Grace and Mercy, I will go to heaven.  But you might want to think about that question....you don’t know how much time you have.  

Adios Cancer.....you’ve been hell.  Glad I am clear of it.  Thankful to be DONE!  Thank you Jesus for allowing me to live.